Motherhood – Passing The Test

I constantly feel like I am FAILING at motherhood.

I feel like I constantly say No and I always “have to do this before I can play with you……”

I don’t want to worry about the house. I want to be in the moment and play the game or color, or build with play-do, but I feel the urge to do other things before I do that, and then by the time I have done what I “needed” to do, the kids are ready for bed or doing something else that they don’t “want” me for.

I feel like I am constantly on the go and that I am FAILING. I know I try my best, but do I really?

They HAVE to have clean clothes. I HAVE to make sure the dishes are done. I have to make sure the clothes are somewhat put away.

What am I getting at? I don’t know really. This is just the mindset I am in right now, but then again, am I failing?

My kids DO have clean clothes and plates to eat on. They love each other to no end, and even though they ask me to play, and I say “let me do this first,” they handle it with grace and move on doing it with another sibling.

Children are resilient.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I WANT to say YES to them asking me to do things, and I am really trying to do better, but everything else has to be done too.

My husband comes home from work and instead of helping me, he goes right upstairs to help build a fort, and I have to be the bad guy this weekend to say, “we are taking it down so you can clean your room.”

Maybe I’m pissed that he can just come home, no worries, and do what he wants with the kids. I feel like I carry the burden of EVERYTHING on me, when it comes to the children and the house and hell, even work sometimes.

He is an extremely hard worker. He is great at doing his job, but when it comes to home-life, he’s just mediocre. It’s frustrating.

I don’t want to have to pick up his candy wrappers and spit bottle off the coffee table AND the bedside table in the mornings, which I’m not even really sure how the one on the bedside table got there, because he slept on the couch more than half the night and the only reason he came to the bed is because I went and bitched that he was still on the couch and not in the bed. (we just got a new couch, because the other one was worn out because I think it was slept on way too much, so I have asked him to sleep in the bed, not on the couch.)

He claims that the couch sleeps better than the bed, but I think it’s just because he would rather watch tv and fall asleep on the couch than get off his ass to come to the bedroom. I mean, he literally walked right past our daughter on the couch asleep two nights ago, to actually go get in the bed. Why wouldn’t he take her to her room? It’s not like he’d have to exert that much energy. Her room is on the way to ours for crying out loud. Our 4 year old doesn’t need to be sleeping on the couch all by herself for the whole night, not in my opinion, at least. No worries, I carried her to her bed…..

Back to the kids, and not a husband rant. I constantly feel like I am failing them and myself, but maybe part of that is because I don’t get the support that I need and deserve from my husband. He expects certain things out of me during the day at work, and then when I expect certain things, he acts like it is an inconvenience to him.

Maybe that is where all these feelings are coming from? I look at my children though, and realize maybe this “failing” is all in my head.

Yes, they argue.

Yes, they are meaner to each other sometimes more than what I feel like they should be.

BUT,

They give piggy-back rides to and from the car when one doesn’t feel like putting their shoes on to go into the house.

My oldest son will play with Barbies just to appease his little sister.

My oldest daughter will grab the baby and play with him just so I can finish up dinner, or go to the bathroom by myself for a change.

The baby goes to his sister when she has hurt herself and rubs her face and gives her a hug.

They sneeze, and someone always says Bless You.

They cough, and someone always asks if they are okay.

When one falls, there’s another one there to pick them up and make sure they aren’t hurt.

They imagine together and talk about when they are older and their jobs and how they will have businesses near each other so they can be together frequently.

THIS….

This is when I know I am not failing them. I AM doing something right.

They love like no end and have the biggest hearts of any kids I know.

My oldest yells way too often, but most of the time it’s because she is acting on her motherly instincts and yells because she’s scared they may hurt themselves.

My oldest son can occasionally have a smart ass thing to say, but it’s because he thinks outside the box and has different ways of doing things, and he will always cover his tracks when he knows he’s said something smart assy, by giving a hug or kiss and explaining himself.

My youngest daughter is a free spirit and can sometimes be a little “witchy” but she will snuggle and tell you how much she loves me and will say the sweetest things.

The baby….not much of a baby anymore, but still……he hits too often, and has began biting on the occasion, but he will hug and love on you and make sure you are okay if it seems like you aren’t feeling so well.

These are the moments that I live for as a mom……not the fact that I wash the dishes instead of play, but the fact that they play and will pretend to wash the dishes so that they can be doing the same thing I am, even if I’m not.

They love each other immensely, and they had to learn that from somewhere, right?

They are perfect in every way.

Motherhood is like the test you study for, but when you sit down to take the test, everything you studied for isn’t on the test.

There are questions you didn’t study for and that you’ve never even heard of, but regardless you try your best.

I may not feel like I am acing this test, but based on my results of watching my children play when they don’t think I’m watching, I think I might be passing.

Busy Mom vs. Husband

Yesterday I went into work late….we own our business, so not a terribly big deal. Our oldest daughter likes to go in with my husband and “run the office” on days that I just need a little more time to get the other 3 ready to go out the door.

We just got back from vacation Sunday, so when it was time that I should be leaving, the baby was still asleep in the bed, because let’s face it…..NOTHING is better than being back in YOUR OWN BED…….   well my bed, because we “co-sleep,” but not really the point.

Anyways, I finally get to work, and it’s chaotic….4 kids, small office, phone ringing…..chaotic…

My husband is asking me all these questions, trying to figure out who hasn’t paid bills, because we need money in the account to pay employees, because while it was Monday, today is Tuesday, and that means, payday….

So, I am getting questions from everywhere, then realize we are out of receipt paper in our card machine, and we have a customer that was supposed to be coming to pay their bill that was paying with card, so I have to leave AGAIN….and of course by this time, it was lunchtime, so the kids needed to eat, so I couldn’t just run to Office Depot, I had to stop and grab lunch before heading back as well.

I got a text from my husband to stop and grab starting fluid….I ignored it, because the baby had just fallen asleep, I was already on the way back to the office, and I was just over taking orders for the day…whether it’s the husband or the children, I feel like that is all I am good for….taking orders and doing everyone’s bidding.

I finally get back to the office temporarily,  because it was Open House for the kids at their new school. We shove down our lunch very quickly, jump back in the car, then head to the school, for what I thought would be a relatively quick visit since the kids are in the same building this year….WRONG…..

Our daughter has 4 teachers/ 4 classrooms, so we had to visit them all….once we found them that is.

Then, after meeting my son’s 2nd grade teacher, he wanted to go visit his kindergarten teacher (he went to this school in kindergarten), but kindergarten is in a completely different building….

Did I tell you how we were “walking” through the school this whole time….. I have 4 children, and of course, my husband isn’t going to go with me, because that would be too convenient, so, I have a wagon….the baby was asleep initially, so kept him in the carseat and plopped in into the wagon, then had to BEG the 3 year old to stay in the wagon while we navigated through the PACKED hallways.

I pull the wagon back to the car, pack it all back up, and head to the kindergarten building so my son can say hey to his teacher.

We finally get done and head back to the office the grab the deposit for the day…meanwhile, my husband calls wanting to know where I am, because I guess I have been gone too long for his liking, but oh well….I’m trying to do the MOM thing. I explain to him that I am less than a mile away but I will NOT be staying, because I have the get to the bank before 5:00 and we have volleyball practice at OUR HOUSE at 6:00.

I am on the mend from vacation…my house wasn’t ready for visitors. While, we do keep them on the screened porch, I still have to have everything somewhat situated in case anyone needs to use the bathroom.

I drive up to the bank at 4:56, then get home around 5:15, knowing I have an extremely LIMITED amount of time to do everything I need/want to get done.

I needed to straighten living room, bathroom, kitchen, porch, and laundry room, as well as wash a bunch of dishes, and REALLY wanted to attempt getting dinner started or ready to be started….. I have planned to cook country style steak because my husband made the comment a couple weeks ago that I haven’t cooked that in over a year, so I wanted to surprise him.

My oldest helped with the living room, the bathroom had torn toilet paper all over the floor, from whom I can only guess was the baby got in there somehow the night before…. I washed what I could in dishes to make it look presentable, put a pot with the rice, water, and butter with the lid on, so I would just have to turn it on when practice was done. I mixed up the casserole and got it in a pan ready to be put in the oven when practice was over. I took out all the other supplies I needed to make the country style steak and the topping for the casserole. I had everything sitting out ready to go for when practice was over.

Then, I remembered that I needed to call my mom to come watch the other kids during practice, because I can never depend on my husband to be home in time to watch them. 5 minutes after I called, my husband shows up, and immediately asks if I’ve called my mom to come over and watch the kids. He goes to get in the shower, not even asking if there is anything he can do to help me.

Then, my parents get to the house….my dad is helping me coach, so that’s why he is there, and then my mom, obviously to watch the kids……BUT, as if I don’t have enough going on, my mom looks around and sighs, as if my house isn’t clean or good enough…I’ve had it at this point with everything. I tell her, I’ve got 4 kids, 5 if you include the husband, I’m trying to have a hot meal for them at a somewhat decent time, I’ve been working on school stuff since they start Wednesday, AND we just got back from vacation…I haven’t had time to do all the things that need to be done!

Then the girls start arriving for practice. Practice lasts all of 40 minutes due to the weather, which was almost time for me to regain my composure with the day’s events.

I immediately start on dinner, my husband goes and sits on the couch on his phone, and lifts not one finger. I tell him, I need him to keep the baby out of the kitchen, because I cook the country style steak in hot grease, so he did manage to come get the baby from under me. He asks me what I’m cooking, and immediately says, “you know we have leftover spaghetti. Why didn’t you just warm that up?” I was speechless to be honest with you, because yes, I could have warmed up spaghetti, but he complained about that last night, because I bought the kind with tomato chunks in it by accident, and he freaked out about that. I told him kindly, that I have the taco meat pre-cooked for Tuesday night because we have a volleyball game, and in hopes of winning Tuesday night, we will have a game on Wednesday night, and we would reheat the spaghetti then.

During dinner, which it was the best country style steak I have ever cooked….I proceed to ask him how everything is, and he responds with ” well, it’s been so long since you’ve cooked it, that I really don’t remember what it tastes like… But, you can cook. You have proved your worth.” Proved my worth? Are you freaking kidding me? I said nothing, because at this point, we were all sitting down as a family, and I didn’t want to start an argument.

He eats the majority of his plate, and says, “well, I need to go eat some TUMS.” You know, at this point the only thing positive out of his mouth, was that ” I have proved my worth,” and that wasn’t sitting well with me, so I don’t even know what to say or do.

After dinner, I was telling him what I needed to do in order to finish getting things ready for the kids first day of school, and he did offer to wash the dishes, but with the entails, him just washing what will fit in the other side of the sink, not finishing all the dishes, and I will be watching the baby, not doing anything that I need to be doing, so I told him that. I told him that I would wash the dishes, because I knew if I did it , it would be done, and not half way done like he likes to do it. He didn’t argue either. I guess maybe he does the half-way washing on purpose knowing it drives me crazy?? Who knows….I finish the dishes, wiping the counters, all that, and proceed to tell him that I have to go upstairs to get the kid’s school shirts done (they have to have uniforms, so I make their uniform t-shirts to save money, because mine look just like the ones you buy.) We just don’t advertise that I make them, because I don’t know that you aren’t supposed to, but I also don’t know if it’s okay.

I head up the stairs and the first thing he asks me is how many shirts to I have to do and what else do I have to do. I tell him I have 12 shirts already printed to press, and I wanted to go ahead and get our daughter’s school supplies monogrammed.  We are in the South….I will slap a monogram on anything possible, to include School Supplies.

I got 8 out of 12 shirts pressed and he kept asking me the entire time when I would be finished. He then asked what else I had to do, AGAIN……. When I told him I wanted to get her school supplies done, he asked “Do you have to do them tonight?”

In my mind…. PLEASE tell me when else I am going to do them? It was yesterday, so Monday, and they start school TOMORROW, Wednesday. We have a volleyball game tonight at 7, so by the time we get home, it will be at least 8:30, which is bedtime for the first night of school, and the baby will be getting fussy by this time, and I am at work all day today, after I had to take the oldest for her ADHD appointment….  When else will I have time to do it?

Guess what though??? The baby was crying, and he knows if the baby is crying, I am not going to continue to do what I am doing, so I design a few of the monograms that I was to print, and head downstairs to find him on his phone in one hand and holding the crying baby in the other, so with a little EFFORT, I’m sure he could have gotten the baby to sleep and gave me the opportunity to finish doing what I was doing.

Why am I telling y’all all this?? I honestly don’t know. I’m not really sure at this point that anyone even reads this but me……..

But, If you are out there? Is this just a man thing?? Or did I seriously get screwed in the husband category? I love him, I do, but this negativity that’s been going on, when I am truly trying to be a good wife, is getting out of hand. I mean, I go to a job every day that I DO NOT WANT to be at, because I know he NEEDS me there to do things, so that’s what I do. I go and do, and then when he comes home, he acts like I’ve been there all day, and haven’t been at work too…mind you WITH THE CHILDREN.

Why does he feel like it’s okay to be this way towards me, like he is some sort of God??  I just don’t get it. I am a full time mom and full time employee, at the SAME TIME, then I go home with said children and continue to do what I need to do there also. Am I just asking for too much, for him to be a joint partner with the kids and the house?? Is that even realistic? It’s not like I ask him to cook dinner, or anything like that. I don’t even ask him to do laundry. I simply want the trash taken out on the regular, and then the occasional assistance in keeping on top of things.

That’s not too much to ask is it? I mean, y’all, he spends most of his time ON HIS PHONE while I’m spending time with the kids or folding the laundry, and he sleeps on the couch and makes a mess like a college student and LEAVES it there in the mornings, for me to pick up. How hard is it to throw your spit bottle away, or your empty Mountain Dew can, or the Little Debbie wrappers, or put your late night either ice cream or cereal bowl in the sink?

Seriously y’all, PRAY FOR ME!!!

Struggles of Adulthood

In our business, it’s sand.

Everything is about sand…how we pay our employees, how we pay our bills….everything we do revolves around the selling and/or processing of sand.

In order to dig this sand, you are supposed to have a mining permit, which we do. We try to do everything right, but I still isn’t enough.

There are a lot of farmers in this area. They hear about a job needing a lot of sand/dirt, and they are all over it. They dig a new pond on their hundreds of acres and make $3 or $4 per ton off that big job, when we should have had it.

They don’t have mining permits, but they have the equipment and the material, so they do it to make 100,000, or however much that particular job is for.

It KILLS our business.

We have employees that need to be paid, taxes, bills, insurance, OURSELVES.

I’m at a point where money that is owed to us isn’t coming in…the money that is supposed to be coming in isn’t enough to cover our expenses, and I’m wondering if we should even keep our doors open.

We are in our third year of business. Should it really still be like this?!?!

Something has to change, but what? I am trying to bid for jobs so that we can at least keep things running, but AGAIN, a farmer could swoop in and decide to “dig a pond” at any given moment, yielding ample amounts of sand for a big job.

I put money aside to make our house payment, but before I could make it, I needed gas in my vehicle and that was the only money we had to our name, so I got gas, then we needed groceries, so I spent as little as possible by making an exact list and meal planning.

THEN, I come home Monday, and our WATER has been turned OFF!

Apparently, the bill didn’t get paid, so there goes another $200 from the “pay our house payment fund.”

All I can hope for at this point is a big job to come through and actually pay for their material and PATIENCE.

I have not been as obedient as I should be as far as a Christian goes. We moved a year ago to be closer to our business and family, and our church is in our old town. We don’t go as often and we aren’t as involved and I really feel it has taken a toll on us. We aren’t praying enough or serving enough, and not only do I feel like it’s taken a toll on us spiritually, but emotionally as well.

I feel a disconnect that I don’t want to feel and I yearn to get that connection back.

So then it comes to question, do we find a church here that we can call “home.”

It took us YEARS to find a church that immediately made us feel welcome and comfortable and like family, and the thought of not being a part of that is heart-wrenching.

….Adulthood is so difficult….. what it would be like to be a child again? Worry free and relying on the constant of your parents navigating of your every move, being your guidance and confidant….your source of income…no bills, no stress……

Why as children do we want to become adults so quickly?!?!?

As I sit and ponder the direction of our business, I am having such anxiety. This is our living! Sand allowed us to buy our house and our vehicles and our groceries, but it’s also our decisions and business that have put us in severe uncertainty and debt.

The fact of not knowing if and when jobs will come is extremely frightening! Our 4 children depend on us to be that constant that we so long for and miss from our childhood.

Pray that we get the direction we need and figure out where this path of life and adulthood is leading us. We have a lot of people depending on us.

Maybe with constant prayer and laying it all out, we will understand the direction we need to be going.

So Over It

I’m SO OVER IT.

EVERYTHING.

OVER EVERYTHING.

I say this and will continue to keep going and try and enjoy the little bright moments that my family gives to me, but for RIGHT THIS SECOND, I’m over it. I want a vacation by MYSELF away from it ALL…. Children, husband, any sort of RESPONSIBILITY or any event that requires me to be somewhere at a SPECIFIC time.

I say all this knowing it will never happen, because the whole time I would be away, I would be thinking of and missing my sweet babies and having anxiety about what they are doing while I’m gone and if everything is okay, so here I sit…

……..NO MOM-cation, no serenity, no quiet, no time to think things without an interruption……..

Today, I sit at WORK, with my toddler crying to the point of gasping because I took her Ipad away, the baby is teething so he’s fussy, and a husband who is at his whit’s end at with the business.

I am expected to be his rock ALL the time, but when I need something, I can’t even come to him because he has all these questions and wants to know why I feel that way, then he will send a sweet text saying how great of a mom I am like I’m going to fawn all over it.

DUDE, I KNOW I’m a good mom, can YOU be a BETTER DAD and HUSBAND?!?!?

I don’t want this to come off like I don’t appreciate his work, because I do. I am there for the most part EVERY DAY with him and know how hard he works, and when I say hard work, I don’t mean just long hours, I mean PHYSICAL, MUSCLE draining LABOR….. He WORKS incredibly hard, BUT….

So do I…….  I am the one who gets the four kids up and ready in the morning times, and I’m still expected to be at the office as soon as I can so that I can fulfill the obligations there. I have to go at least 2 schools every morning and 2 days a week, I go to 3 to drop kids off. Then, I have to haul 15 minutes down the road to get to the office at a decent time. Occasionally, I have a doctor appointment for one of the kids, so I drop off, run to the doctor, drop off by school, then head to work.  It’s a lot and it become overwhelming….not so much the dropping off and appointments, but the getting ready every morning and doing it BY MYSELF, and then having to stare at the house from the night before that looks like wild animals live there, and there is nothing I can do about it because I’m rushing around like a maniac trying to get all the kids together, fed, lunches packed, shoes on, coats on, bows in, and so I just stare at the mess.

It is a daunting thing to stare at. I have all intentions of starting the washing machine and swapping the laundry, but it just doesn’t happen. The mornings I think I will have time, I end up forgetting someone didn’t finish their homework, or I didn’t sign a permission form, or I can’t find a kid’s shoes or my keys…..it’s always something.

I just want some help too. I am expected to be at work and “help” and I want help at MY place of business (home) Is that too much to ask?!? I mean I am really growing somewhat of a resentment towards my husband because he gets to go to work WITHOUT children. He gets up in the morning and gets HIMSELF dressed, and head out the door all within 20 minutes, nothing hindering him. He gets to drive in silence on the way to work without kids yelling at each other about who touched who or where their jacket is because they are cold….. He gets to actually DO HIS work while he is at work….I have to figure out how to answer a phone and it sound professional with a screaming baby on the other end.

Then I try and put it into perspective that this is only a glimpse in time. One day they will be grown, and while I know that is true, the present is NOW, and right NOW I am supposed to keep it ALL together, the office, the house, the kids, MYSELF, the schedules, and it just doesn’t seem to be happening………

I mean my husband agreed to be in a wedding the same day as our girls’ dance recitals. It is both of their FIRSTS and he has told this guy, who we haven’t hung out with in at least 10 years that he would be in his wedding, INSTEAD of going to the recital, and then the Bachelor Party he tells me is ON OUR ANNIVERSARY weekend….. what kind of shit is that?!?!?   First, I am supposed to go to a CLOSE friends’ wedding this same weekend, but tell them we can’t once we get the recital date, THEN he gets asked to be in THIS wedding, the SAME weekend, and says YES, KNOWING we aren’t going to the other one because of the recital…….THEN he wants to go to the Bachelor Party on our ANNIVERSARY weekend!?!?!?!?!

I’m at a loss.

As you can tell, today has been a rough one, and while I do love my husband, or at least I think I do, I get so frustrated at what little he does to help us in the present. He keeps saying business is going to get better, and it HAS, but he works a lot of hours now, but he wants credit for working these hours, because it’s PLASTERED on Facebook. It was to the point this morning, that I almost “checked in” at “motherhood” and said some stuff just to try and prove a point, because let’s face it, moms are ALWAYS “checked in” to motherhood. It’s not something we get up and get ready for….We are just there… ALL THE TIME…

I am hoping and praying I get through the rest of this day and tomorrow’s hopeful post is much more positive and uplifting, but today is Thursday, and that means, getting home at 3:45 from all my school pick ups, having to get dinner started and toddler dressed for tumbling at 4:30, getting back from tumbling around 5:30 and have the two big kids’ soccer practices at 6:00 and 7:00……. Somewhere in between we will have Homework, dinner eaten in shifts, baths, bedtime, and MAYBE a “mommy drink” to keep my sanity.

 

Pray for ME.

The Parenting Handbook

The joke is on us as parents. There is NO Handbook that tells us how to DEAL.

I mean there are handbooks for EVERYTHING, but not THIS. There is no book that can tell you how to properly deal with every situation that you will face as a parent, or every EMOTION that YOU as the PARENT will go through when seeing your child hurt or happy, or anything.

This parenting thing is HARD!

I posted a few weeks ago about finding out our daughter had SCABIES. This was the most off the wall thing I could have ever though possible for my daughter, but there it was…..the cream, the pamphlet, the screaming when the cream was put on because it burned so bad because the itching she had been doing caused open wounds……the CONSTANT itching, that makes YOU feel like you want to itch until you feel NOTHING.

We treated her and my oldest son. We washed all the bedding in the entire house, did everything we were supposed to do…… my son seems fine, but our daughter was STILL itching…. then…. the BABY….he is itchy and has spots….the doctor originally said it appeared to be dry skin, and that she didn’t think it was SCABIES, but then he got a spot on his hand that looked like an ant bite, but larger. I told the doctor and she said, let’s treat him for Scabies just to be on the safe side, so with the second tube of ointment, we treated the baby, and myself.

Since this, we have given our oldest a second treatment, because she was STILL ITCHING, and this time it seems to have worked for her, but now my 3 year old, the baby, and myself are itching.

When will it END?!?!?  Again, I say, there are NO HANDBOOKS for this kind of thing. I am literally WASHING BEDDING DAILY to try and rid ourselves of this thing. We have steamed/vaccummed the floors, the couch, the mattresses, the pillows…… I am exhausted. All this laundering has left the house a mess, because all of our attention has been on the bedding and furniture, so NOT ONLY am I ITCHY, but I’m going CRAZY because my house is a MESS!!!

Then, let’s talk about the fact that up until about 3 weeks ago, but 11 year old was still in pull-ups. We have been to a Urologist, tried medications, tried waking her up during the night, EVERYTHING, and NOTHING has been working. About 3 weeks ago, she waited until about 9:00 at night to tell me she was out of pull-ups and I simply said, I’m not buying them anymore. You’ve got to figure it out. It may seem HARSH, but it truly had gotten to a point of what I feel is a dependence on the pull up and she was using her “hard sleeping” as an excuse. She’s never been to a sleepover because it’s embarrassing, and she’s never been to a camp or anything of that nature because of this. She is truly MISSING OUT.

Again, NO HANDBOOK for how to deal with these situations. For inquiring minds……the first night without the pullups, my husband woke her up to go to the bathroom one time, and she woke up DRY!!!  It was like a miracle, because we have TRIED ALL THIS before. 2nd night, DRY, 3rd night, DRY, 4th night, DRY……  In 3 weeks, we have had ONE accident.

Then COMES the RINGER……..  YESTERDAY……..

My daughter gets in the car from school and says, “mom, I tried calling you like 20 times today and you didn’t answer.” So of course I respond as if something is terribly wrong. She hands me the folded up blue piece of paper and says,

“Here, I can’t tell you, JUST READ IT.”

note

“OMG, I said.” She says, “yeah, I tried calling you and the office, and your mom and her office, and I even called daddy and was going to ask for you if he answered, but no one answered.”

……..this is what being a mom is…..I want to be there for my child for things like THIS, and I didn’t answer the PHONE. Granted, I didn’t have any missed calls from her either. I don’t know what happened for them not to go through, but none of us had missed calls from her, and she said she called MULTIPLE times.

MOM FAIL!!!

Seriously y’all, there is NO HANDBOOK for all this. No one tells you how much of an emotional roller coaster parenting is, or how much you can love a little person who has the attitude of their father and the looks of you. It is unbelievable the amount of emotions running through me yesterday when I read this little blue piece of paper.

So what now?!? The school nurse talked her through her first time, because the call didn’t come through to my phone…My daughter restored my faith in parenting though when I asked her if she freaked out and her response was, “well, I did at first, but you pretty much prepared me that it was going to come at some point, I just didn’t think it would be today.”  …. We don’t ever expect it sweet girl…..

There’s more about this whole handbook thing that I want to discuss at some point, but I don’t know that it will be today. I just wanted to give my thoughts as to there is NO HANDBOOK. I guess if there were, it would still leave out the little details, because as you all know, everyone is different, and we all parent in our own ways and have different relationships with our children.

I have just been drowning the last month or so with all this sickness and rashes and now this. We get her out of pull-ups and now we have a “woman” on our hands……. although she may think she’s a “woman,” I informed her this morning that she is and will always be my baby and she better not forget that.

Maybe I will write my own book, as a “guide” for my daughters when they have children one day that would at least give them some laughs and enlightenment as to what they can look forward to as MOMS.

Pray for Me.

 

Life Behind Facebook

I’m sure by the title, you guys know exactly what I’m talking about….LIFE BEHIND FACEBOOK.

Social Media has a way of making us imagine ourselves in a perfect world and then broadcasting it so everyone can see how fantastic our life is.  I try and be honest, but apparently I make my life look like I’ve got it all together.

I guess, inevitably, that’s what you want, right? You want it to “appear” that you’ve got your shit together and you and your family are doing wonderful.

Let’s face it…who wants to post NEGATIVE things on Social Media. I know in my life, I don’t try and fixate on those bad moments, and I try to focus on the good, but get REAL, it’s a struggle.

I’ve got 4 children, work as full time as I can around their schedules, and try and keep the upkeep of the house and be a wife. Did I mention, I bring the baby to work??? And then I leave on Monday, Wednesday, Friday to go get her from preschool, and we come BACK to work??

My mom and grandmother both have friends that say to me, “I don’t know how you do it.” I’m talking they ALL say this to me. What the hell am I doing???  I get it, I’m doing it, but I’m so not doing it.

They don’t see the meltdowns in the morning because my son refused to go to bed at a decent time so he’s cranky and doesn’t want to get dressed, then falls asleep in the car because he’s so tired and then whines when we get to school because he’s too tired.

No one sees my oldest have a complete breakdown because I forgot to make her a doctor’s appointment to get a refill on her ADHD prescription and she has testing that day.

Or what about the 3 year old who REFUSES to potty train?!?!?

The baby, yeah, he’s pretty perfect, but seriously, I didn’t broadcast on Facebook all these woes we went through….

Or let’s talk about date night….. Facebook post says we went on a date night, had a great time at this new local restaurant, which we did, but what it didn’t tell you was that we went on the first date we’ve been on by ourselves in our 3 YEARS in an effort to rekindle whatever we have, because life has taken completely over and we have found ourselves only talking about the children or work (we work together in our own business.) Facebook didn’t say that we struggle to even have a conversation about anything other than work or the kids because we’ve forgotten how to communicate.

Our conversation consisted of making a promise to each other that we would work on this and do better to be attentive to one another and not focus all our discussions on these two things, because otherwise, where will we be down the road when the kids are out of the house??

And I know I’m not the only one. I see couples all the time, people we are friends with, who we know are struggling with their relationships or their children or falling on hard times financially, but it’s all a front to put your best on Facebook. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with it. Facebook is kind of like a fantasy, of what you want your life to look like, but not exactly what’s really going on behind closed doors.

Don’t get me wrong, our house really is filled with love and laughs and fun times, we just choose not to share the bad, or the ugly. Just remember though, everyone has the bad and the ugly.

No matter, how perfect life may seem to you or to anyone else, there is always the ugly, and honestly, that’s what makes us real and authentic.

If we didn’t have the bad, would we really appreciate all the good that we have and experience?

 

We are all SUPERMOM

Earlier tonight as I was driving with slightly blurred vision and a pounding headache taking my oldest to Dance Class, I began thinking…..

Now, I already know motherhood is never ending and everyone talks about all the things we have to do, but seriously…. ALL THE THINGS we have to do….

No SICK days.  The LAST thing I wanted to do this evening was pack up the 4 kids AGAIN just to drop off the eldest at dance, not to mention the baby was in a horrible mood, and I was almost to the point of vomiting because my headache had become so excruciating, that I could barely keep my head up and eyes open.

Guess what though???  I carried a sleeping toddler back to the car, buckled in the screaming baby in his carseat, explained to the 6 year old that he had to get a shirt on to go outside and get in the car, and smiled at a very grateful 11 year old because I mustered up enough energy to do it and take her.

Motherhood is SO many things. It is sacrifice and selflessness, pride, joy, exhaustion, sadness, happiness, anger, confusion, love, excitement, fear, patience, etc…

It is the most wonderful gift to have, and yet so many take it for granted. We work non-stop as moms, whether it be carpooling to sports or activities, or school, a friend’s house, packing lunches, doctor visits, plays, teacher meetings. We go to work all day or stay at home all day ( either one is working all day) and all the things we do rarely get noticed.

Is anyone but us going to notice whether that plate in the sink got washed or not? Nope.

Is anyone but us going to notice the toilet paper roll needs to be changed? Nope.

Who remembers to sweep the floor? Are the kids going to care at the end of the day if there are crumbs under the table?

Is anyone going to care that the load of laundry you put in the washing machine YESTERDAY morning is STILL in the WASHING MACHINE and has to be rewashed, and then it may even be forgotten again because of all the hats we wear and ways we are pulled.

We are in a constant mind game within ourselves to be the best and do the best and make sure we have everything done at work and around the house and for our children with projects, sports, and activities…. ALL THAT WE DO…… and WE still don’t think we are good enough.

Ask your children if they are upset because the laundry wasn’t done or the floor wasn’t swept, or the dishes didn’t get put away from the dishwasher…… I bet they won’t even notice.

We hold our expectations for ourselves so high, yet our kids love us the same regardless.

I guess my point is this….Moms will load up all the children with a borderline migraine so that our oldest kid doesn’t miss dance class, and the kid that didn’t want to get dressed got dressed and has probably forgot he didn’t want to get dressed in the first place, the baby will stop crying because he will fall asleep on the way to the dance class, and the toddler that was napping, is still asleep, uninterrupted.

And YOU, MOM, you will get a little break because you are going to order pizza tonight instead of your stir fry, HEALTHY MEAL planned, because everyone deserves a break sometimes and whether you dirtied the kitchen and cooked the healthy meal or ordered the pizza so you could rest in the chair to get rid of your headache while the baby slept instead of screamed, all the kids are going to love you the same and STILL think you are the BEST and SUPERMOM.

Keep being SUPERMOM, ladies, because whether you think you are doing your best or not, you ARE! Nobody is perfect, but to our kids we are pretty darn close!!