A Letter to My Earthly Demon

I could wish hate upon you.

I could wish misfortune and heartache.

I can think of a number of things I could wish upon you…… but here’s why I won’t.

You clearly have all those things in your heart already.

Someone so willing to be so heartless when someone is vulnerable proves that the things I could wish upon you, already exist.

Instead, I will PRAY for you.

As much as you seem to want us to hurt, I will indulge in the fact that I have a heart of Gold and I will rise above your words.

Nobody is perfect. I am far from it, but the love I have in my heart and the joy I am given each and every day by my family is absolute PERFECTION.

You may use fancy words and accusatory tones, but nothing can take away what I have with MY Family.

You, sir, I feel for. I’m sorry that you feel it necessary to threaten my family because you don’t have a stable one.

The fact that the only reason you have a relationship ship with your grandchild is because your wife is kind, should have been my additional red flag, among the other things.

Or the only reason your daughter calls is when she needs money and your other child doesn’t even speak to you.

I’ve always thought you were a miserable old man, and now it has truly come to fruition.

I don’t think you believe in God, but I DO and my family DOES, so we will stand together no how big the storm and we will PRAY.

Pray for your twisted mind and your cold heart, because that’s what we should do.

While you threaten us, we will rise and conquer because one of the many things we have that you don’t is TRUST in the Lord and knowing that the path he is leading us down is not meant to be an easy one and you sir are just a speed bump along the way!

Sincerely,

MaMa Bear

Pray for Me!

Four Years Ago YESTERDAY

Four years ago yesterday, I was in labor all day and didn’t know it.

Four years ago yesterday, I sat in the waiting room at the doctor’s office with cramping and a false positive on my water breaking while I waited to go into an ultrasound.

Four years ago yesterday, I saw our baby girl moving on a monitor with her heart beating and was told everything would be OK.

Four years ago yesterday, we would go grocery shopping in an attempt to forget that I was cramping.

Four years ago yesterday, I would come home cook dinner and my dad came to visit because we were getting the nursery and the other kids’ rooms ready for the arrival of our baby in a few months.

Four years ago yesterday, after dinner the cramping continued and worsened and for some reason I decided to start timing it.

Four years ago yesterday, I sat in my living room timing my cramps that were two minutes apart and I knew something wasn’t right.

Four years ago yesterday, I called the midwife multiple times asking about the pain I was in and telling her that they were consistently coming a couple minutes apart.

Four years ago yesterday, I was assured that my doctor’s visit showed nothing was wrong and that I should lay down and relax because it was most likely Braxton Hicks contractions.

Four years ago yesterday, as I laid on my side trying to relax I felt a pop as if a balloon had popped inside of me and I knew my water had just broken.

Four years ago yesterday, I jumped up from the bed and went to the bathroom and knew she was coming way too soon.

Four years ago yesterday, I cried in agony knowing we had to go to the hospital but not wanting to.

Four years ago yesterday, my dad who lives an hour away happened to be at our house… talk about right place right time, unfortunately.

Four years ago yesterday, my husband and I sped in the car on the way to the hospital, getting pulled over along away just to be let go when we told him the situation.

Four years ago yesterday, I got to the hospital and immediately went back and all the midwife could say was she was sorry this was happening.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor came in and wanted to look at the baby on an ultrasound machine.

Four years ago yesterday, we watched our little baby kick and turned and her heart was beating a perfect rate just to be told she would be coming and there was nothing we could do about it.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor did give us a glimmer of hope when he said if it’s not real labor you’ll just be on bedrest for two months until she’s ready.

Four years ago yesterday, I knew from the bottom of my heart that I was in labor, although I’d be willing to lay in a bed as long as I needed in order to keep my baby.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor wanted to see if I was in actual labor by checking my cervix.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor made a face and told my husband to look.

Four years ago yesterday, the umbilical cord was already hanging out of my cervix.

Four years ago TODAY, the doctor said that since her heartbeat was so strong she could possibly be born alive.

Four years ago today, my husband and I did something we never thought we’d have to do.

Four years ago today, we wished that our daughter wouldn’t be born alive because we knew she wouldn’t survive and we didn’t want her to suffer.

Four years ago today, I had to pee and I was afraid to, because I knew what would happen with the pressure.

Four years ago today, I went to the bathroom and our daughter was born in the white plastic thing you catch urine in.

Four years ago today, I gave birth to this bright pink, perfect little baby and there was nothing I could do to save her.

Four years ago today, we held her in our arms and counted her 10 fingers and 10 toes and saw the hair that was beginning to grow.

Four years ago today, we held our perfect baby and cried in disbelief at what just happened.

Four years ago today, my husband and I vowed to not blame each other for the circumstances we were facing.

Four years ago today, my husband and I made a promise to be strong for one another because we knew this was going to bring out a lot of emotions.

Four years ago today, we knew we were destined to have another baby.

Four years ago today, we prayed more than we had prayed in our entire marriage.

Four years ago today, we had to leave the hospital with our baby in a little box and not in a car seat or in my womb.

Four years ago today, we took our baby home.

Four years ago today, our oldest got to meet her sister and hold her.

Four years ago today, we had to take our baby girl to the funeral home.

Four years ago today, I was numb with any kind of emotion and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about the funeral service for my baby when 24 hours prior she was alive in my belly.

Four years ago today, we were lost and broken and didn’t know how we’d move forward.

For years ago YESTERDAY, our lives were changed forever, and TODAY we will celebrate with love and tears and prayer and cake for our sweet girl’s 4th Birthday.

Another day I will tell more of our story as to how we’ve moved forward, and what a journey it has been. Our sweet baby wasn’t with us for long, but the impact she played on our lives has remained evident in all the things we do.

Pray for Me!!!

Motherhood

Motherhood is……exhausting!!

Let me preface this by first saying, being a mom is absolutely the most rewarding and life changing title I have ever had. From finding out about the pregnancy to the uncertainty of what life will be like with this little one outside the womb, to their first cry, rolling over, crawling, walking, their first teeth, first words, the hugs and kisses and I love you…… ALL OF iT!! I LOVE every little piece of it, no exceptions.

Here is the thing though. You expect all those things mentioned above. It’s what everyone raves about and talks about.

What NO ONE is talking about when it comes to becoming a mom….

middle of the night nursing, the middle of the night toddler waking up coming to get into your bed, the dogs barking for no reason but it wakes you up, the struggles in the grocery store because the kids want everything they can get their hands on, the trying to get 4 kids dressed and out the door by a certain time, all while having them fed and their bags packed for school, and making sure all their papers are signed.

And the laundry….all the laundry, and the meals that you have to prepare, the clothes you pick up off the floor that are right BESIDE the dirty clothes basket, the hidden candy wrappers behind furniture, the legos that you step on, the little toys that are stuffed between couch cushions and under furniture…….the being in the car for hours on end just to get the kids to the placed they have to go…school drop off, school pick up, soccer practice drop off and pick up, dance drop off and pick up, tumbling drop off and pick up…..

The back talk, the whining, the crying, the “It’s not fair.” “She hit me.” “I’m telling mom.” “Why?” “But I don’t want to.” “No.” Again, the WHINING…

The car that won’t ever be clean and looks like a trash can, the attitudes, the schedules, the homework, the I don’t feel like cleaning or I don’t feel like feeding the dogs…..

NO ONE Tells you THESE THINGS!!! Maybe some of it is implied??? I don’t know, but when I unexpectedly became a mom sooner than anticipated, I never forethought these things…..It is absolutely EXHAUSTING….I am literally sitting here about to fall asleep!

Wanna know what though???? I wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING in the world…..because with all of those exhausting moments, come 5 extra moments that will make your heart melt and want to smile like you’ve never smiled before……

The toddler not letting go of her big brother because “he’s never leaving for school. I love him too much.”

My oldest son holding the baby’s hand while laying in my bed just because he wants him to feel safe.

The I Love you’s, the snuggles, the smiles, the hugs, the co-sleeping, the kids playing a game and getting along without arguing, the moments where they show you what kind of kids they really are and how you are doing something right by raising them.

When your oldest gets a good grade on a test and smiles so big because she thought she didn’t do well.

“I missed you,” when they’ve been gone with their grandparents for the night.

Motherhood is absolutely exhausting, but it is even more rewarding. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and while I know there will be plenty more tough times and difficult situations, knowing that I have the ability to raise 4 little humans to become adults in this world, is incredibly invigorating. I hope to raise 4 independent individuals that can support themselves and get along on their own, but also aren’t afraid to call mom and just need her!!! I do not wish this to come any time soon, but I know it will happen all too quickly, but until then I will soak up my snuggles, and cuddle them when they are sick or had a bad day, hold their hand as we walk into school, and just love on them as much as I can while they are still little. My mom has always said enjoy them when they are little, because their childhood will fly by and you will wonder where it went.

My prayer for all of us as parents is that we live a little and enjoy the small moments, and make memories that last a lifetime that you can talk about when they are grown and home for visits, because we all know that as exhausting as it is, one day we will be wishing for it all to be back within our grasp.

Pray for Me