Middle of the Night Mom Thoughts

My husband had surgery 3 days ago…it was extensive ACL reconstruction surgery in his left knee….they constructed an ACL using part of his hamstring from his right leg, so he’s in a lot of pain.

While he is being a great patient, I’ve been sick… I was sick before the surgery…fever, cough, congestion, runny nose…all that.

The kids have been sick….

The big kids are fine and staying off with grandparents tonight.

I’ve finally got my know it all father in law out of my house, and of course my cough is now worse because I don’t have any help here, both little kids have fevers, and I’ve got 3 different alarms set to make sure my husband has his medicine on time.

My daughter is scratching constantly for some reason, and has decided to come get in the bed with me, and the baby is beet red because his fever is so high.

He refused to take Tylenol or any other medicine, so after trying to cool him down with a rag which he screamed at me for laying on him, I forcibly had to give him the Tylenol.

Of course this resulted in him gagging and drama that wasn’t necessary had he just taken the tasty grape goodness. I mean if he only knew what adults have to take, he’d be a bit more reasonable, possibly.

Meanwhile, I’m forcing this Tylenol down him, while I am coughing uncontrollably, and every time I cough I’m afraid of peeing a little.

I decide to get the baby a popsicle to help cool/calm him down, which leads to me pushing up a popsicle every 10 seconds praying that all the juice doesn’t end up all over my bed.

Meanwhile, every cough loosens my bladder, and inevitably leads to peeing a little, which results in having to walk away with the popsicle for 30 seconds which ends in baby screaming while I’m peeing, holding the popsicle, and it wakes the toddler who tries to comfort the screaming baby while the baby slaps her because he doesn’t want her consoling him, he just wants mommy and the popsicle.

Fastforward all of 5 minutes….we are on popsicle 2, toddler is back asleep, baby’s cheeks are still beet red, but fever is hopefully falling, the cough drop I’ve got doesn’t seem to be working, but I’m praying the medicine I took while I was obtaining popsicle #2 starts working and controls the cough that makes me pee a little.

Baby should be done with popsicle #2 in about 3-5 minutes, which will either bring in tears for yet another, or a satisfaction that results in going back to sleep, which will leave me in limbo for roughly 18 minutes when my alarm clock will be going off to get my husband his medicine and replace his ice in his ice machine and his cold pack from the freezer.

Praying this doesn’t wake the possible back to sleep baby so I can actually go back to sleep as well.

Pray for me!

A Letter to My Earthly Demon

I could wish hate upon you.

I could wish misfortune and heartache.

I can think of a number of things I could wish upon you…… but here’s why I won’t.

You clearly have all those things in your heart already.

Someone so willing to be so heartless when someone is vulnerable proves that the things I could wish upon you, already exist.

Instead, I will PRAY for you.

As much as you seem to want us to hurt, I will indulge in the fact that I have a heart of Gold and I will rise above your words.

Nobody is perfect. I am far from it, but the love I have in my heart and the joy I am given each and every day by my family is absolute PERFECTION.

You may use fancy words and accusatory tones, but nothing can take away what I have with MY Family.

You, sir, I feel for. I’m sorry that you feel it necessary to threaten my family because you don’t have a stable one.

The fact that the only reason you have a relationship ship with your grandchild is because your wife is kind, should have been my additional red flag, among the other things.

Or the only reason your daughter calls is when she needs money and your other child doesn’t even speak to you.

I’ve always thought you were a miserable old man, and now it has truly come to fruition.

I don’t think you believe in God, but I DO and my family DOES, so we will stand together no how big the storm and we will PRAY.

Pray for your twisted mind and your cold heart, because that’s what we should do.

While you threaten us, we will rise and conquer because one of the many things we have that you don’t is TRUST in the Lord and knowing that the path he is leading us down is not meant to be an easy one and you sir are just a speed bump along the way!

Sincerely,

MaMa Bear

Pray for Me!

I am a Joke

I am an absolute joke.

I don’t know what I have done or not done for it to get like this but something has to be done.

There children are walking ALL over me!

There are clothes all over the floor and trash tossed about in random places, dishes on the table from dinner….

Legos on the bathroom floor and HAIR CHALK remnants are all over the upstairs bathroom….fingernail polish on the bathroom counters

and clean, folded, well, been stepped on folded, on the floor….

Homework wasn’t done last night, pajamas are throw in the couch from this morning, attitudes are already flaring…..

And the only one that seems to notice all these things are ME.

My husband obviously caught on to the bitching because the 2 bags of trash that have been sitting by the pantry for THREE days was finally taken out…he’s got ONE job!!!

Why do I fold the clothes if they aren’t going to put them up?

Why do I ask to put your plate in the sink or clothes in the laundry room, if it’s not going to get done?!?!

I am a joke to them. I might as well talk to myself, which I already do half the time so I can get it out of my system without yelling at someone about whatever….

It stops TODAY!! I’ve got to start standing up for my HOUSE and my RULES and MYSELF.

I informed the kids this morning that they would be sitting on the couch this afternoon doing nothing until the house was cleaned and yes, I’m going to do it, bc it needs to be done the correct way and not everything thrown under beds or shoved in closets.

I told them no TV, no IPADS, NOTHING until everything was done.

I even told them NO WHINING! (I’m sure that won’t last)

This all stemmed from the fact that I’ve cleaned the living room 4 times this week, walked in there and immediately saw a chip bag, fruit snack wrapper, sticker on the floor, pajamas on the couch, another kids clothes on the floor, toys in random spots(toys are supposed to be upstairs) 3 plastic cups in the coffee table, lego pieces scattered…. (remember I have a 9 month old who loves putting small pieces of anything and everything in his mouth!

I am being overrun by my kids, spouse, and my house and I’m sick of it. Change starts today!!!

Pray for Me.

Life isn’t a Hallmark Movie

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a good Hallmark movie, but it’s the same thing over and over again (again, I still sit on my couch and watch them over and over like a broken record)

Why though? Life isn’t like these movies, not that I expect them to be, but for once, it would be nice to feel the real ness of what a complicated life really is like.

The movies are always boy meets girl in a small town, they fall in love and something always happens….

Your recent ex tracks you down and confesses his love all the while interfering with the new or rekindled love that you’ve found in said small town….

Or your business is failing, you fall in love with the local who happens to be wealthy and your business all of a sudden is thriving and making it while the day before you were preparing to close the doors….

Again, I love these movies, but oh how life is NOT a Hallmark Movie!

Maybe that’s Hallmark’s goal…to let you incision what could potentially be, MAYBE, or to just get you out of your world for 2 hours and engrossed in a life you only dream of.

What I can say is, there aren’t Hallmark movies about a couple who has been together since high school….no, they didn’t drift apart and meet back after all these years in their small town…. they haven’t faced a divorce and come back to their hometown, or dealt with a spouse death…… they’ve stuck it out TOGETHER all these years, and come back to their hometown…. with their FOUR kids….

They’ve been through two military deployments, high school and college graduations, death of grandparents, death of friends while overseas that they couldn’t save, a separation that almost ended in divorce, but through some almighty power, they MADE it.

Then again they were almost torn apart due to an affair that ended up making them stronger.

They’ve dealt with loss of friendships, financial hardships, the death of a child, and a business that just seems to keep afloat, BARELY, regardless of all the time and love and work that’s been put into it.

A wife who is self diagnosed as struggling with PPD, but not sure if it’s just depression from moving away from all her friends and a town she’s known for the last 13 years, but trying to keep it together between dance and tumbling and volleyball, and soccer, and guitar lessons.

A husband who gave up is law enforcement career to try and better his family and works his ass off every second of the day and it’s still a struggle to keep food on the table.

A couple who has defied all the odds against them and still love each other, and try their best to BE the best for their 4 kids who adore them.

A mom who is really trying to keep it together every second of every day despite the fact she feels like she’s drowning in a sea of bills, laundry, dishes, diapers, baths, and being a personal milk factory.

THAT should be a Hallmark Movie.

The inevitable triumphs despite all the road blocks that keep popping up at every turn. Maybe it would take you to an alternate universe like Hallmarks movies seem to make me do, but it would give a different perspective as to anything and any obstacle has the capability of being overcome.

Pray for me!

Four Years Ago YESTERDAY

Four years ago yesterday, I was in labor all day and didn’t know it.

Four years ago yesterday, I sat in the waiting room at the doctor’s office with cramping and a false positive on my water breaking while I waited to go into an ultrasound.

Four years ago yesterday, I saw our baby girl moving on a monitor with her heart beating and was told everything would be OK.

Four years ago yesterday, we would go grocery shopping in an attempt to forget that I was cramping.

Four years ago yesterday, I would come home cook dinner and my dad came to visit because we were getting the nursery and the other kids’ rooms ready for the arrival of our baby in a few months.

Four years ago yesterday, after dinner the cramping continued and worsened and for some reason I decided to start timing it.

Four years ago yesterday, I sat in my living room timing my cramps that were two minutes apart and I knew something wasn’t right.

Four years ago yesterday, I called the midwife multiple times asking about the pain I was in and telling her that they were consistently coming a couple minutes apart.

Four years ago yesterday, I was assured that my doctor’s visit showed nothing was wrong and that I should lay down and relax because it was most likely Braxton Hicks contractions.

Four years ago yesterday, as I laid on my side trying to relax I felt a pop as if a balloon had popped inside of me and I knew my water had just broken.

Four years ago yesterday, I jumped up from the bed and went to the bathroom and knew she was coming way too soon.

Four years ago yesterday, I cried in agony knowing we had to go to the hospital but not wanting to.

Four years ago yesterday, my dad who lives an hour away happened to be at our house… talk about right place right time, unfortunately.

Four years ago yesterday, my husband and I sped in the car on the way to the hospital, getting pulled over along away just to be let go when we told him the situation.

Four years ago yesterday, I got to the hospital and immediately went back and all the midwife could say was she was sorry this was happening.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor came in and wanted to look at the baby on an ultrasound machine.

Four years ago yesterday, we watched our little baby kick and turned and her heart was beating a perfect rate just to be told she would be coming and there was nothing we could do about it.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor did give us a glimmer of hope when he said if it’s not real labor you’ll just be on bedrest for two months until she’s ready.

Four years ago yesterday, I knew from the bottom of my heart that I was in labor, although I’d be willing to lay in a bed as long as I needed in order to keep my baby.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor wanted to see if I was in actual labor by checking my cervix.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor made a face and told my husband to look.

Four years ago yesterday, the umbilical cord was already hanging out of my cervix.

Four years ago TODAY, the doctor said that since her heartbeat was so strong she could possibly be born alive.

Four years ago today, my husband and I did something we never thought we’d have to do.

Four years ago today, we wished that our daughter wouldn’t be born alive because we knew she wouldn’t survive and we didn’t want her to suffer.

Four years ago today, I had to pee and I was afraid to, because I knew what would happen with the pressure.

Four years ago today, I went to the bathroom and our daughter was born in the white plastic thing you catch urine in.

Four years ago today, I gave birth to this bright pink, perfect little baby and there was nothing I could do to save her.

Four years ago today, we held her in our arms and counted her 10 fingers and 10 toes and saw the hair that was beginning to grow.

Four years ago today, we held our perfect baby and cried in disbelief at what just happened.

Four years ago today, my husband and I vowed to not blame each other for the circumstances we were facing.

Four years ago today, my husband and I made a promise to be strong for one another because we knew this was going to bring out a lot of emotions.

Four years ago today, we knew we were destined to have another baby.

Four years ago today, we prayed more than we had prayed in our entire marriage.

Four years ago today, we had to leave the hospital with our baby in a little box and not in a car seat or in my womb.

Four years ago today, we took our baby home.

Four years ago today, our oldest got to meet her sister and hold her.

Four years ago today, we had to take our baby girl to the funeral home.

Four years ago today, I was numb with any kind of emotion and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about the funeral service for my baby when 24 hours prior she was alive in my belly.

Four years ago today, we were lost and broken and didn’t know how we’d move forward.

For years ago YESTERDAY, our lives were changed forever, and TODAY we will celebrate with love and tears and prayer and cake for our sweet girl’s 4th Birthday.

Another day I will tell more of our story as to how we’ve moved forward, and what a journey it has been. Our sweet baby wasn’t with us for long, but the impact she played on our lives has remained evident in all the things we do.

Pray for Me!!!

We are all SUPERMOM

Earlier tonight as I was driving with slightly blurred vision and a pounding headache taking my oldest to Dance Class, I began thinking…..

Now, I already know motherhood is never ending and everyone talks about all the things we have to do, but seriously…. ALL THE THINGS we have to do….

No SICK days.  The LAST thing I wanted to do this evening was pack up the 4 kids AGAIN just to drop off the eldest at dance, not to mention the baby was in a horrible mood, and I was almost to the point of vomiting because my headache had become so excruciating, that I could barely keep my head up and eyes open.

Guess what though???  I carried a sleeping toddler back to the car, buckled in the screaming baby in his carseat, explained to the 6 year old that he had to get a shirt on to go outside and get in the car, and smiled at a very grateful 11 year old because I mustered up enough energy to do it and take her.

Motherhood is SO many things. It is sacrifice and selflessness, pride, joy, exhaustion, sadness, happiness, anger, confusion, love, excitement, fear, patience, etc…

It is the most wonderful gift to have, and yet so many take it for granted. We work non-stop as moms, whether it be carpooling to sports or activities, or school, a friend’s house, packing lunches, doctor visits, plays, teacher meetings. We go to work all day or stay at home all day ( either one is working all day) and all the things we do rarely get noticed.

Is anyone but us going to notice whether that plate in the sink got washed or not? Nope.

Is anyone but us going to notice the toilet paper roll needs to be changed? Nope.

Who remembers to sweep the floor? Are the kids going to care at the end of the day if there are crumbs under the table?

Is anyone going to care that the load of laundry you put in the washing machine YESTERDAY morning is STILL in the WASHING MACHINE and has to be rewashed, and then it may even be forgotten again because of all the hats we wear and ways we are pulled.

We are in a constant mind game within ourselves to be the best and do the best and make sure we have everything done at work and around the house and for our children with projects, sports, and activities…. ALL THAT WE DO…… and WE still don’t think we are good enough.

Ask your children if they are upset because the laundry wasn’t done or the floor wasn’t swept, or the dishes didn’t get put away from the dishwasher…… I bet they won’t even notice.

We hold our expectations for ourselves so high, yet our kids love us the same regardless.

I guess my point is this….Moms will load up all the children with a borderline migraine so that our oldest kid doesn’t miss dance class, and the kid that didn’t want to get dressed got dressed and has probably forgot he didn’t want to get dressed in the first place, the baby will stop crying because he will fall asleep on the way to the dance class, and the toddler that was napping, is still asleep, uninterrupted.

And YOU, MOM, you will get a little break because you are going to order pizza tonight instead of your stir fry, HEALTHY MEAL planned, because everyone deserves a break sometimes and whether you dirtied the kitchen and cooked the healthy meal or ordered the pizza so you could rest in the chair to get rid of your headache while the baby slept instead of screamed, all the kids are going to love you the same and STILL think you are the BEST and SUPERMOM.

Keep being SUPERMOM, ladies, because whether you think you are doing your best or not, you ARE! Nobody is perfect, but to our kids we are pretty darn close!!

 

A Teaching Moment in Positivity

I am TRYING! I truly am.

Everything in me wants to be a more positive person and see the little things as a promise for bigger things….

BUT….it is so difficult!

Is it supposed to be easy though?!?

Maybe we have struggles to truly appreciate the positive moments?

My now 11 year old daughter is at a point where she hasn’t quite grasped the concept of hygiene and that sort. She’s getting it, just not as much as she will…..

Her hair…. it’s fine and gets oily quickly, and my oh my…. the KNOTS….

I don’t understand how the knots accumulate. She got a new brush for Christmas and she’s been brushing her hair more than usual, but somehow it’s not getting the bottom layer of hair, which as a result is causing knots. I mean your “want to just cut them out” kind of knots.

In the midst of being the first day back to school in two weeks morning…. she asks me to brush her hair. She rarely asks so of course I say yes.

5 minutes into hair brushing, I’m only 1/3 done because of said knots. I made a comment. “This wasn’t in my plans this morning to spend 20 minutes on brushing hair.”

I’ve thought about it all day. I shouldn’t have said it. We spent 20 minutes together that we wouldn’t have, otherwise. I would have been in the kitchen getting breakfast and lunches ready and packing bags for work.

Instead, I got to spend 20 bonding minutes with my eldest, who may now never ask me to brush her hair again because she might think it’s an inconvenience.

I’m probably thinking too much into it, but that’s what’s been running through my head all day. Instead of me seeing the positive of spending time with her, I made a negative comment.

I have vowed to make myself better this year. All around better, so as a mom, friend, wife, neighbor, daughter, sister, etc.

This morning was one of those instances where I could have been better and I chose a different route.

Then, as I was getting my now 3 year old daughter out of the car to take into preschool, I found a “letter” from my oldest in an envelope addressed to “Mommy.”

I opened it when I got to work, and it says, “I don’t know what I’d do without you. You are the best mommy ever.” My heart melted, my face lit up, but tears filled my eyes.

If only I could see the positive like she does. No matter what is happening in her life, she always sees the positive and her her world, I’m the best mommy ever. It doesn’t matter how much I mess up, she still thinks of me as the best.

Maybe God gave me these children to see myself in a different light and so that I could see their truth and be positive for them and in turn for myself and others.

I really hope that I can see the teaching moment to myself in positivity during the next hair debacle, or whatever situation may arise, because though my children think I’m the best mommy ever, I want to show them how much better I can be.

Pray for me!