Struggles of Adulthood

In our business, it’s sand.

Everything is about sand…how we pay our employees, how we pay our bills….everything we do revolves around the selling and/or processing of sand.

In order to dig this sand, you are supposed to have a mining permit, which we do. We try to do everything right, but I still isn’t enough.

There are a lot of farmers in this area. They hear about a job needing a lot of sand/dirt, and they are all over it. They dig a new pond on their hundreds of acres and make $3 or $4 per ton off that big job, when we should have had it.

They don’t have mining permits, but they have the equipment and the material, so they do it to make 100,000, or however much that particular job is for.

It KILLS our business.

We have employees that need to be paid, taxes, bills, insurance, OURSELVES.

I’m at a point where money that is owed to us isn’t coming in…the money that is supposed to be coming in isn’t enough to cover our expenses, and I’m wondering if we should even keep our doors open.

We are in our third year of business. Should it really still be like this?!?!

Something has to change, but what? I am trying to bid for jobs so that we can at least keep things running, but AGAIN, a farmer could swoop in and decide to “dig a pond” at any given moment, yielding ample amounts of sand for a big job.

I put money aside to make our house payment, but before I could make it, I needed gas in my vehicle and that was the only money we had to our name, so I got gas, then we needed groceries, so I spent as little as possible by making an exact list and meal planning.

THEN, I come home Monday, and our WATER has been turned OFF!

Apparently, the bill didn’t get paid, so there goes another $200 from the “pay our house payment fund.”

All I can hope for at this point is a big job to come through and actually pay for their material and PATIENCE.

I have not been as obedient as I should be as far as a Christian goes. We moved a year ago to be closer to our business and family, and our church is in our old town. We don’t go as often and we aren’t as involved and I really feel it has taken a toll on us. We aren’t praying enough or serving enough, and not only do I feel like it’s taken a toll on us spiritually, but emotionally as well.

I feel a disconnect that I don’t want to feel and I yearn to get that connection back.

So then it comes to question, do we find a church here that we can call “home.”

It took us YEARS to find a church that immediately made us feel welcome and comfortable and like family, and the thought of not being a part of that is heart-wrenching.

….Adulthood is so difficult….. what it would be like to be a child again? Worry free and relying on the constant of your parents navigating of your every move, being your guidance and confidant….your source of income…no bills, no stress……

Why as children do we want to become adults so quickly?!?!?

As I sit and ponder the direction of our business, I am having such anxiety. This is our living! Sand allowed us to buy our house and our vehicles and our groceries, but it’s also our decisions and business that have put us in severe uncertainty and debt.

The fact of not knowing if and when jobs will come is extremely frightening! Our 4 children depend on us to be that constant that we so long for and miss from our childhood.

Pray that we get the direction we need and figure out where this path of life and adulthood is leading us. We have a lot of people depending on us.

Maybe with constant prayer and laying it all out, we will understand the direction we need to be going.

I am a Joke

I am an absolute joke.

I don’t know what I have done or not done for it to get like this but something has to be done.

There children are walking ALL over me!

There are clothes all over the floor and trash tossed about in random places, dishes on the table from dinner….

Legos on the bathroom floor and HAIR CHALK remnants are all over the upstairs bathroom….fingernail polish on the bathroom counters

and clean, folded, well, been stepped on folded, on the floor….

Homework wasn’t done last night, pajamas are throw in the couch from this morning, attitudes are already flaring…..

And the only one that seems to notice all these things are ME.

My husband obviously caught on to the bitching because the 2 bags of trash that have been sitting by the pantry for THREE days was finally taken out…he’s got ONE job!!!

Why do I fold the clothes if they aren’t going to put them up?

Why do I ask to put your plate in the sink or clothes in the laundry room, if it’s not going to get done?!?!

I am a joke to them. I might as well talk to myself, which I already do half the time so I can get it out of my system without yelling at someone about whatever….

It stops TODAY!! I’ve got to start standing up for my HOUSE and my RULES and MYSELF.

I informed the kids this morning that they would be sitting on the couch this afternoon doing nothing until the house was cleaned and yes, I’m going to do it, bc it needs to be done the correct way and not everything thrown under beds or shoved in closets.

I told them no TV, no IPADS, NOTHING until everything was done.

I even told them NO WHINING! (I’m sure that won’t last)

This all stemmed from the fact that I’ve cleaned the living room 4 times this week, walked in there and immediately saw a chip bag, fruit snack wrapper, sticker on the floor, pajamas on the couch, another kids clothes on the floor, toys in random spots(toys are supposed to be upstairs) 3 plastic cups in the coffee table, lego pieces scattered…. (remember I have a 9 month old who loves putting small pieces of anything and everything in his mouth!

I am being overrun by my kids, spouse, and my house and I’m sick of it. Change starts today!!!

Pray for Me.

Four Years Ago YESTERDAY

Four years ago yesterday, I was in labor all day and didn’t know it.

Four years ago yesterday, I sat in the waiting room at the doctor’s office with cramping and a false positive on my water breaking while I waited to go into an ultrasound.

Four years ago yesterday, I saw our baby girl moving on a monitor with her heart beating and was told everything would be OK.

Four years ago yesterday, we would go grocery shopping in an attempt to forget that I was cramping.

Four years ago yesterday, I would come home cook dinner and my dad came to visit because we were getting the nursery and the other kids’ rooms ready for the arrival of our baby in a few months.

Four years ago yesterday, after dinner the cramping continued and worsened and for some reason I decided to start timing it.

Four years ago yesterday, I sat in my living room timing my cramps that were two minutes apart and I knew something wasn’t right.

Four years ago yesterday, I called the midwife multiple times asking about the pain I was in and telling her that they were consistently coming a couple minutes apart.

Four years ago yesterday, I was assured that my doctor’s visit showed nothing was wrong and that I should lay down and relax because it was most likely Braxton Hicks contractions.

Four years ago yesterday, as I laid on my side trying to relax I felt a pop as if a balloon had popped inside of me and I knew my water had just broken.

Four years ago yesterday, I jumped up from the bed and went to the bathroom and knew she was coming way too soon.

Four years ago yesterday, I cried in agony knowing we had to go to the hospital but not wanting to.

Four years ago yesterday, my dad who lives an hour away happened to be at our house… talk about right place right time, unfortunately.

Four years ago yesterday, my husband and I sped in the car on the way to the hospital, getting pulled over along away just to be let go when we told him the situation.

Four years ago yesterday, I got to the hospital and immediately went back and all the midwife could say was she was sorry this was happening.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor came in and wanted to look at the baby on an ultrasound machine.

Four years ago yesterday, we watched our little baby kick and turned and her heart was beating a perfect rate just to be told she would be coming and there was nothing we could do about it.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor did give us a glimmer of hope when he said if it’s not real labor you’ll just be on bedrest for two months until she’s ready.

Four years ago yesterday, I knew from the bottom of my heart that I was in labor, although I’d be willing to lay in a bed as long as I needed in order to keep my baby.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor wanted to see if I was in actual labor by checking my cervix.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor made a face and told my husband to look.

Four years ago yesterday, the umbilical cord was already hanging out of my cervix.

Four years ago TODAY, the doctor said that since her heartbeat was so strong she could possibly be born alive.

Four years ago today, my husband and I did something we never thought we’d have to do.

Four years ago today, we wished that our daughter wouldn’t be born alive because we knew she wouldn’t survive and we didn’t want her to suffer.

Four years ago today, I had to pee and I was afraid to, because I knew what would happen with the pressure.

Four years ago today, I went to the bathroom and our daughter was born in the white plastic thing you catch urine in.

Four years ago today, I gave birth to this bright pink, perfect little baby and there was nothing I could do to save her.

Four years ago today, we held her in our arms and counted her 10 fingers and 10 toes and saw the hair that was beginning to grow.

Four years ago today, we held our perfect baby and cried in disbelief at what just happened.

Four years ago today, my husband and I vowed to not blame each other for the circumstances we were facing.

Four years ago today, my husband and I made a promise to be strong for one another because we knew this was going to bring out a lot of emotions.

Four years ago today, we knew we were destined to have another baby.

Four years ago today, we prayed more than we had prayed in our entire marriage.

Four years ago today, we had to leave the hospital with our baby in a little box and not in a car seat or in my womb.

Four years ago today, we took our baby home.

Four years ago today, our oldest got to meet her sister and hold her.

Four years ago today, we had to take our baby girl to the funeral home.

Four years ago today, I was numb with any kind of emotion and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about the funeral service for my baby when 24 hours prior she was alive in my belly.

Four years ago today, we were lost and broken and didn’t know how we’d move forward.

For years ago YESTERDAY, our lives were changed forever, and TODAY we will celebrate with love and tears and prayer and cake for our sweet girl’s 4th Birthday.

Another day I will tell more of our story as to how we’ve moved forward, and what a journey it has been. Our sweet baby wasn’t with us for long, but the impact she played on our lives has remained evident in all the things we do.

Pray for Me!!!

Life Behind Facebook

I’m sure by the title, you guys know exactly what I’m talking about….LIFE BEHIND FACEBOOK.

Social Media has a way of making us imagine ourselves in a perfect world and then broadcasting it so everyone can see how fantastic our life is.  I try and be honest, but apparently I make my life look like I’ve got it all together.

I guess, inevitably, that’s what you want, right? You want it to “appear” that you’ve got your shit together and you and your family are doing wonderful.

Let’s face it…who wants to post NEGATIVE things on Social Media. I know in my life, I don’t try and fixate on those bad moments, and I try to focus on the good, but get REAL, it’s a struggle.

I’ve got 4 children, work as full time as I can around their schedules, and try and keep the upkeep of the house and be a wife. Did I mention, I bring the baby to work??? And then I leave on Monday, Wednesday, Friday to go get her from preschool, and we come BACK to work??

My mom and grandmother both have friends that say to me, “I don’t know how you do it.” I’m talking they ALL say this to me. What the hell am I doing???  I get it, I’m doing it, but I’m so not doing it.

They don’t see the meltdowns in the morning because my son refused to go to bed at a decent time so he’s cranky and doesn’t want to get dressed, then falls asleep in the car because he’s so tired and then whines when we get to school because he’s too tired.

No one sees my oldest have a complete breakdown because I forgot to make her a doctor’s appointment to get a refill on her ADHD prescription and she has testing that day.

Or what about the 3 year old who REFUSES to potty train?!?!?

The baby, yeah, he’s pretty perfect, but seriously, I didn’t broadcast on Facebook all these woes we went through….

Or let’s talk about date night….. Facebook post says we went on a date night, had a great time at this new local restaurant, which we did, but what it didn’t tell you was that we went on the first date we’ve been on by ourselves in our 3 YEARS in an effort to rekindle whatever we have, because life has taken completely over and we have found ourselves only talking about the children or work (we work together in our own business.) Facebook didn’t say that we struggle to even have a conversation about anything other than work or the kids because we’ve forgotten how to communicate.

Our conversation consisted of making a promise to each other that we would work on this and do better to be attentive to one another and not focus all our discussions on these two things, because otherwise, where will we be down the road when the kids are out of the house??

And I know I’m not the only one. I see couples all the time, people we are friends with, who we know are struggling with their relationships or their children or falling on hard times financially, but it’s all a front to put your best on Facebook. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with it. Facebook is kind of like a fantasy, of what you want your life to look like, but not exactly what’s really going on behind closed doors.

Don’t get me wrong, our house really is filled with love and laughs and fun times, we just choose not to share the bad, or the ugly. Just remember though, everyone has the bad and the ugly.

No matter, how perfect life may seem to you or to anyone else, there is always the ugly, and honestly, that’s what makes us real and authentic.

If we didn’t have the bad, would we really appreciate all the good that we have and experience?

 

The Mommy Line

The Mommy Line

I guess this is how it will all begin…in the Mom Line…… Before I address what exactly the Mom Line is, let me tell you a bit about myself.

I have blogged off and on for the last 6 -7 years. I would like to think that I have a lot of time to do it, but reality is, I do, but every time I think I have the time to sit and type, a kid needs me. Tis’ life when it comes to motherhood, I guess.

I started blogging about funny things my oldest daughter used to say, not so much for anyone to read other than her one day. It’s hard to remember all the little cute things she used to do, so reading it makes me remember why i love her, because this whole tween stage she is going through, makes it really difficult for me to remember why i do in fact love her!

Anyways, I have 3 different blogs other than this one, and while I would love to share them with you, I am considering leaving this blog anonymous, because I anticipate getting really personal, and I’m honestly not quite ready for my friends and family that don’t know certain things, to know those certain things. I would like to think of this as my personal journal, but for the entire world to eventually see, maybe. If not the whole world, at least someone else can indulge in my craziness and feel more normal about themselves and know they aren’t alone.

I have 4 children, 5 if you include our sweet baby in heaven. I went into labor in my 2nd trimester, and she just wasn’t quite ready to be outside my womb. I am married and have been for 13 years. It has been trying and a complete roller coaster, but life would not be the same without him, and I know he was put on this earth for me. Let’s not get all sappy, but trust me, once I’ve given you the details on this crazy life of mine, you may just congratulate me, because it HAS NOT been easy. I was told I should write a book, but guess what??? No one wants to read a book about a person they don’t know, that isn’t famous, so blogging it is, and I don’t anticipate many folks reading this, so, an online Journal I will call it!

Back to the Mom Line thing. As stated, above, I have weighed my options as to writing a book, and decided that blogging would be my best option. I love typing/writing, and I am hopeful that journaling my days and triumphs and tribulations over the years, will be beneficial to someone, anyone. I titled this The Mommy Line simply because I plan on typing/writing while I sit in the Mom Line each day. The Mom Line is the line I wait in to pick up my son from school. I get him in the car about 3:15, but I get in the line at 2:00. Why you ask???? Well it’s simple really. My two oldest are at two different schools that get out at the exact same time and are about 7 minutes from each other, pending traffic. If I wait any later than about 2:15 to get to my son’s school, I am about 20-30 cars back and I won’t get him in my car until about 3:30, which in turn leaves my daughter waiting until after 3:30 to be picked up. Does it really matter? Probably not. Am I the only parent that has a kid at both schools? Definitely not. Am I going to continue to sit in this stupid line for over an hour? Absolutely. Occasionally, I have to get the baby out and nurse him, but most days him and the toddler take a nap, so it’s my quiet time. What better time to write a blog, right?

The days you don’t get something new, will most likely be those days that I had to get him out and nurse him instead of him taking a nap. I can’t promise something every day, but I am going to try. I am a super busy lady and Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday are jam packed. Tuesday we have back to back dance classes and soccer practice, Wednesday is another dance class, and Thursday is Tumbling.

I am trying to be the best mom that i can be, and while i know i am not the only mom that has a packed schedule and stories to tell, I’d like to think that something I say at some point will help someone who doesn’t have the ability to write it down. From deployments, a separation, an affair, baby loss, finding a church home, moving from the town you love back to the town you grew up in, quitting a career to run your own business…….we’ve kind of dabbled into multiple situations…..so I leave you with that….continue reading tomorrow if you wish, because I can assure you, I hope for it to be interesting. Today, I am cutting it short, because as mentioned prior, hungry baby, and an ill, naked toddler.  She does have a diaper on……she was dressed 5 minutes before it was time to go, but she didn’t want to wear what she was wearing and didn’t want to go get her bubba from school. I am assuming in her head, that taking her clothes off and throwing a tantrum in the chair was enough for me to say okay, we won’t go anywhere, but can’t leave my kid standing at the school…..not sure that would be good for the whole “mom business.”

Until next time, I leave you with no words of wisdom, because I don’t really have anything on my brain right now other than, I have to pee, the baby needs a boob, and the toddler has FINALLY gone to sleep, and I still have an hour in the car!

Pray for me!