Motherhood – Passing The Test

I constantly feel like I am FAILING at motherhood.

I feel like I constantly say No and I always “have to do this before I can play with you……”

I don’t want to worry about the house. I want to be in the moment and play the game or color, or build with play-do, but I feel the urge to do other things before I do that, and then by the time I have done what I “needed” to do, the kids are ready for bed or doing something else that they don’t “want” me for.

I feel like I am constantly on the go and that I am FAILING. I know I try my best, but do I really?

They HAVE to have clean clothes. I HAVE to make sure the dishes are done. I have to make sure the clothes are somewhat put away.

What am I getting at? I don’t know really. This is just the mindset I am in right now, but then again, am I failing?

My kids DO have clean clothes and plates to eat on. They love each other to no end, and even though they ask me to play, and I say “let me do this first,” they handle it with grace and move on doing it with another sibling.

Children are resilient.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I WANT to say YES to them asking me to do things, and I am really trying to do better, but everything else has to be done too.

My husband comes home from work and instead of helping me, he goes right upstairs to help build a fort, and I have to be the bad guy this weekend to say, “we are taking it down so you can clean your room.”

Maybe I’m pissed that he can just come home, no worries, and do what he wants with the kids. I feel like I carry the burden of EVERYTHING on me, when it comes to the children and the house and hell, even work sometimes.

He is an extremely hard worker. He is great at doing his job, but when it comes to home-life, he’s just mediocre. It’s frustrating.

I don’t want to have to pick up his candy wrappers and spit bottle off the coffee table AND the bedside table in the mornings, which I’m not even really sure how the one on the bedside table got there, because he slept on the couch more than half the night and the only reason he came to the bed is because I went and bitched that he was still on the couch and not in the bed. (we just got a new couch, because the other one was worn out because I think it was slept on way too much, so I have asked him to sleep in the bed, not on the couch.)

He claims that the couch sleeps better than the bed, but I think it’s just because he would rather watch tv and fall asleep on the couch than get off his ass to come to the bedroom. I mean, he literally walked right past our daughter on the couch asleep two nights ago, to actually go get in the bed. Why wouldn’t he take her to her room? It’s not like he’d have to exert that much energy. Her room is on the way to ours for crying out loud. Our 4 year old doesn’t need to be sleeping on the couch all by herself for the whole night, not in my opinion, at least. No worries, I carried her to her bed…..

Back to the kids, and not a husband rant. I constantly feel like I am failing them and myself, but maybe part of that is because I don’t get the support that I need and deserve from my husband. He expects certain things out of me during the day at work, and then when I expect certain things, he acts like it is an inconvenience to him.

Maybe that is where all these feelings are coming from? I look at my children though, and realize maybe this “failing” is all in my head.

Yes, they argue.

Yes, they are meaner to each other sometimes more than what I feel like they should be.

BUT,

They give piggy-back rides to and from the car when one doesn’t feel like putting their shoes on to go into the house.

My oldest son will play with Barbies just to appease his little sister.

My oldest daughter will grab the baby and play with him just so I can finish up dinner, or go to the bathroom by myself for a change.

The baby goes to his sister when she has hurt herself and rubs her face and gives her a hug.

They sneeze, and someone always says Bless You.

They cough, and someone always asks if they are okay.

When one falls, there’s another one there to pick them up and make sure they aren’t hurt.

They imagine together and talk about when they are older and their jobs and how they will have businesses near each other so they can be together frequently.

THIS….

This is when I know I am not failing them. I AM doing something right.

They love like no end and have the biggest hearts of any kids I know.

My oldest yells way too often, but most of the time it’s because she is acting on her motherly instincts and yells because she’s scared they may hurt themselves.

My oldest son can occasionally have a smart ass thing to say, but it’s because he thinks outside the box and has different ways of doing things, and he will always cover his tracks when he knows he’s said something smart assy, by giving a hug or kiss and explaining himself.

My youngest daughter is a free spirit and can sometimes be a little “witchy” but she will snuggle and tell you how much she loves me and will say the sweetest things.

The baby….not much of a baby anymore, but still……he hits too often, and has began biting on the occasion, but he will hug and love on you and make sure you are okay if it seems like you aren’t feeling so well.

These are the moments that I live for as a mom……not the fact that I wash the dishes instead of play, but the fact that they play and will pretend to wash the dishes so that they can be doing the same thing I am, even if I’m not.

They love each other immensely, and they had to learn that from somewhere, right?

They are perfect in every way.

Motherhood is like the test you study for, but when you sit down to take the test, everything you studied for isn’t on the test.

There are questions you didn’t study for and that you’ve never even heard of, but regardless you try your best.

I may not feel like I am acing this test, but based on my results of watching my children play when they don’t think I’m watching, I think I might be passing.