A Letter to My Earthly Demon

I could wish hate upon you.

I could wish misfortune and heartache.

I can think of a number of things I could wish upon you…… but here’s why I won’t.

You clearly have all those things in your heart already.

Someone so willing to be so heartless when someone is vulnerable proves that the things I could wish upon you, already exist.

Instead, I will PRAY for you.

As much as you seem to want us to hurt, I will indulge in the fact that I have a heart of Gold and I will rise above your words.

Nobody is perfect. I am far from it, but the love I have in my heart and the joy I am given each and every day by my family is absolute PERFECTION.

You may use fancy words and accusatory tones, but nothing can take away what I have with MY Family.

You, sir, I feel for. I’m sorry that you feel it necessary to threaten my family because you don’t have a stable one.

The fact that the only reason you have a relationship ship with your grandchild is because your wife is kind, should have been my additional red flag, among the other things.

Or the only reason your daughter calls is when she needs money and your other child doesn’t even speak to you.

I’ve always thought you were a miserable old man, and now it has truly come to fruition.

I don’t think you believe in God, but I DO and my family DOES, so we will stand together no how big the storm and we will PRAY.

Pray for your twisted mind and your cold heart, because that’s what we should do.

While you threaten us, we will rise and conquer because one of the many things we have that you don’t is TRUST in the Lord and knowing that the path he is leading us down is not meant to be an easy one and you sir are just a speed bump along the way!

Sincerely,

MaMa Bear

Pray for Me!

New Year, New Me

Who makes New Year’s Resolutions??

I have decided to stop this nonsense, considering not many people actually stick to or keep their resolutions.

I have decided that I will just work on me in general, and put my focus more towards my health and well being.

I have 4 children, and while I love them dearly and put all my time and effort into them, I have come to realize that if I’m not where I need to be, they won’t be where they need to be. A happier, healthier mom, makes for happier, healthier children? Right?? That is my mentality as of late.

So, maybe not a New Year’s Resolution, but more of a slow change to a better me. Easier said than done, when having to work, raise four children, two of which go to work with me, and I’m a nursing mom, so that’s more energy exerted, dance classes, guitar lessons, tumbling, school activities and clubs, a struggling business, keeping the house clean, maintaining relationships/friendships, trying to maintain a marriage that seems to be struggling more and more daily due to the strain of life………

I’ve got A LOT to work on. Maybe we will call this a … MOMalution…… a Resolution as a mom to be better in general for her children and herself so that everyone becomes better???

I may be rambling, but it is what it is.

I have found that I don’t necessarily know that I am very good at this blogging thing. I am good at writing what I’m thinking, but it’s what I’m thinking, and my brain constantly goes from one thing to the next, sometimes not even making sense to myself, so it’s hard to comprehend sometimes.

Growing up, I was told that I write like I talk, and that has always puzzled me, because why wouldn’t you write like you talk???

I guess the benefit of blogging is, in my opinion, there is really no right or wrong way of the style of writing that you do, because it is yours and your own and unique.

I realize there is probably a certain way to write if I wanted to make money doing this, and while that would be nice, I don’t anticipate that every happening.

I think I have rambled enough for one evening, but as of today, I will be working on my MOMalution, and trying to make myself better for my health and well being so that my kids can benefit from that.

Happy New Year!!!

Overthinking

The weather here has finally started to cool down a bit. It was so hot that we were still in shorts and tank tops, but luckily, I think it has finally turned Fall. Today, I am able to sit in the mommy line with the windows open and the car off, listening to the cars go by.

Another reason for the windows down is that I forgot that I needed gas, and I am afraid I will run out, so thank the good Lord that the weather is nice, because otherwise, I may be pushing this big bus around to all my stops.

It is so peaceful though…..the skies are blue and the clouds are beautiful. My car is absolutely silent, for right this minute anyways. The baby is sleeping and so is the toddler, and all I can do is think.

I tend to overthink everything and today is no exception. I went into the office today, and I found myself making list after list of what I needed to get done to catch up and finish my new office so that I can actually get in it.

I also overthink about silly things.

A few days ago, I decided that I would buy a few Mega Millions tickets. I NEVER play the lottery. It’s just not something that I’ve ever really done, but my mom was talking to me about it and said that it was over 600 million, so I decided, what the hell, so that began a thinking process of what I would do if I won…

It’s easy really. I would pay off all our debts, and I would help a lot of people. I would set up college funds for my kids and nephews, I would help out one of our good friends that is a widowed mom of three because she struggles, and I wish there was more that I could do to help her. I would start some kind of organization. I am not sure exactly what that organization would be, but considering my schooling background is in the child development field, I’m sure it would help children and their families somehow. When you have a large amount of money, many things are possible and that is what I began to think about. I even prayed last night that GOD would let me win. How silly is that? I even said to God I knew it was silly, but that I promised I would do good with it.

Well, I didn’t win and I’m not sure if anyone did, but I know that I didn’t. I can only pray and hope that if anyone did, they choose to use it wisely. I would love to help my parents and in laws and good friends and my church. I would love to be able to help certain people not have to worry about if food will be on their table or if they can afford to go buy their kids winter clothes.

I hate to see winners just choose to buy a big house and blow the money and then not even have anything to show for it.

Obviously, I am overthinking. I didn’t win. I’m not ever going to win, and all these dreams I have to help people are pointless to even think of, because i know it wont happen. I say all this because just once, it would be nice to be dealt a bit better hand than what we have in the past. No, money isn’t everything, but it does cause a lot of issues if you don’t have any.

Don’t get me wrong, we have been dealt some great hands in the past and I’m sure will be in the future as well, but when it comes to our livelihood(our business), it has been a struggle and continues to be a struggle. We have had help from parents to get bill paid and we are trying our best to stay afloat, and my husband remains positive and uplifting, all the while, I just feel like we are completely drowning. I am hoping once I can figure out a schedule and get back to the office on the regular, I can’t find some sort of floatation device to float on, because I’m just not seeing it right now.

My husband works so incredibly hard…I mean SO HARD and it is frustrating to see him work so hard just so we can pay employees and then we have to nickel and dime it to figure out how to pay for our house and our other bills.

It would be so much easier just to hit it big and win the lottery and be able to lift the burden of providing for us off of his shoulders.

For now, I will just sit here and enjoy this nice breeze, beautiful weather, and a temporary silent car and be grateful for all the blessings this life has given me.

OVERTHINKING……..

Pray for me.

Anxiety

I just sent my oldest two off to a college football game with my dad.  I should be jumping through the roof because I’m down to two kids, but instead I am sitting here praying they make it there okay and have a good time.  Anxiety is no joke.  I ponder every scenario and worry the entire time they are gone until they get home back in my arms.

I worry about an asthma attack, as my son has asthma, or a car wreck, or anything really.  I feel like I am being so negative, because I know they will have a great time and I hope they will both get home in one piece, but you just never know, and I think the fear of not knowing and not being in control really gets to me.

I never really had this anxiety until we lost our baby around 20 weeks.  Ever since we lost her, I obsess and worry about everything.  I don’t like them going places where I don’t take them and even when I do take them, I worry the entire time.  I don’t let my worry affect them, because I want their childhood to be fun and memorable, not in the sense that they remember me worrying their entire childhood.

I literally worry about everything. I try to let it go and keep my mind busy with other things, but it is constantly in the back of my mind anything and everything that could possibly happen, that I don’t have control over.  I need to put my worries with God, but it is so difficult when my anxiety seems to take over every ounce of anything else I have going on.

I also have anxiety over our business.  Not having a set income like a regular job is so stressful, and put on top of that, people don’t pay their invoices like they need to, and our main source of income had to be replaced and was down for a couple months.  It is truly a recipe for an anxiety attack.  I’m not really sure what an anxiety attack feels or looks like, but I’m pretty sure I am on the verge of one.  Bills are piling up, money isn’t coming in, employees have to be paid, we have a huge job coming up and we don’t know if we can meet the demand, but we desperately need the job to keep things running and be able to pay what we need to pay personally, and on the business end of things. Plus, we just had an employee Facebook message his ONE WEEK NOTICE, when he told my husband he would not leave us high and dry and would give us a two week notice.  We had a feeling it was coming, but we weren’t really sure when, but his wife graduated a few months ago and got a good paying job, and we knew he would be gone once she started working.  We just didn’t think number 1 it would be through social media, and two it would only be a week notice, right before our BIG job is set to start, so we will be down to my husband and two other guys.  One of the other guys is in his late 70s and has told us He may finally retire at the end of the year, because his health his slowly failing. He already has to go to chemo once a week and doctors appointments typically take up at least another 1/2 day during the week.  Our other employee has been there for a very long time, but he’s getting up there in age as well, and then you have my husband.  He already busts his ass, so I can’t imagine the stress he is feeling finding out this news this morning. I am so worried about him and I don’t know what to do or say, because he seems to handle it with such poise, when I know he is about to freak out on the inside, because he can’t physically do everything that needs to be done.  There aren’t enough hours in the day to get it all done, and he doesn’t need that additional stress.

We could hire someone else if the money would come in like it’s supposed to, but trying to hire someone else right now when the business is in the shape that it’s in, financially, it is really almost out of the questions.

Stress, anxiety, worry, depression, fear….it’s good to list it out and feel like it’s “getting out” I guess.  While it doesn’t really make things better, it is nice to be able to verbalized everything going on.

We will just pray about it.  God has a plan, right? We think so, and nobody said it would ever be easy, but the anxiety is REAL.

Pray for Me.