Struggles of Adulthood

In our business, it’s sand.

Everything is about sand…how we pay our employees, how we pay our bills….everything we do revolves around the selling and/or processing of sand.

In order to dig this sand, you are supposed to have a mining permit, which we do. We try to do everything right, but I still isn’t enough.

There are a lot of farmers in this area. They hear about a job needing a lot of sand/dirt, and they are all over it. They dig a new pond on their hundreds of acres and make $3 or $4 per ton off that big job, when we should have had it.

They don’t have mining permits, but they have the equipment and the material, so they do it to make 100,000, or however much that particular job is for.

It KILLS our business.

We have employees that need to be paid, taxes, bills, insurance, OURSELVES.

I’m at a point where money that is owed to us isn’t coming in…the money that is supposed to be coming in isn’t enough to cover our expenses, and I’m wondering if we should even keep our doors open.

We are in our third year of business. Should it really still be like this?!?!

Something has to change, but what? I am trying to bid for jobs so that we can at least keep things running, but AGAIN, a farmer could swoop in and decide to “dig a pond” at any given moment, yielding ample amounts of sand for a big job.

I put money aside to make our house payment, but before I could make it, I needed gas in my vehicle and that was the only money we had to our name, so I got gas, then we needed groceries, so I spent as little as possible by making an exact list and meal planning.

THEN, I come home Monday, and our WATER has been turned OFF!

Apparently, the bill didn’t get paid, so there goes another $200 from the “pay our house payment fund.”

All I can hope for at this point is a big job to come through and actually pay for their material and PATIENCE.

I have not been as obedient as I should be as far as a Christian goes. We moved a year ago to be closer to our business and family, and our church is in our old town. We don’t go as often and we aren’t as involved and I really feel it has taken a toll on us. We aren’t praying enough or serving enough, and not only do I feel like it’s taken a toll on us spiritually, but emotionally as well.

I feel a disconnect that I don’t want to feel and I yearn to get that connection back.

So then it comes to question, do we find a church here that we can call “home.”

It took us YEARS to find a church that immediately made us feel welcome and comfortable and like family, and the thought of not being a part of that is heart-wrenching.

….Adulthood is so difficult….. what it would be like to be a child again? Worry free and relying on the constant of your parents navigating of your every move, being your guidance and confidant….your source of income…no bills, no stress……

Why as children do we want to become adults so quickly?!?!?

As I sit and ponder the direction of our business, I am having such anxiety. This is our living! Sand allowed us to buy our house and our vehicles and our groceries, but it’s also our decisions and business that have put us in severe uncertainty and debt.

The fact of not knowing if and when jobs will come is extremely frightening! Our 4 children depend on us to be that constant that we so long for and miss from our childhood.

Pray that we get the direction we need and figure out where this path of life and adulthood is leading us. We have a lot of people depending on us.

Maybe with constant prayer and laying it all out, we will understand the direction we need to be going.

Being a Business Owner

As promised to myself, I am sticking to this blogging every day thing, even when I have other things to do and truly just want to sit and not think about ANYTHING. Owning your own business is TOUGH! Everyone says they wish they could work for themselves and not have a boss and while it all seems great, it is SUPER HARD. We have been told that we have a “glorious life.” If they only really knew what all went on behind closed doors. Don’t get me wrong, we have LOVE and if you want to call that glorious, go right ahead, but I have this to say…. my husband comes home from work every single day dirty from head to toe, most of the time hungry because he didn’t get a chance to eat because he wanted to make sure his employees had their lunch breaks. He is seriously the hardest working man I know and it is really a slap in the face for someone to say “go live your glorious life.” If you consider glorious these things…..not paying yourselves instead of laying off your employees because they have families too, not sleeping at night because I’m either worried about how to pay the house payment or anxiously awaiting my husband to finally come home because he’s working super late to play catch up, because said employees that he chooses not to lay off don’t like to work late and don’t bother showing up half the time….lets see, what else about this glorious life?!? Looking out the window every morning and making sure your vehicle is still there because you know you just hit 3 months behind even though you made a payment last week, because the new billing cycle was on the 2nd. Having to come up with money to pay for the baby’s doctor visit and shots because you were 2 months behind on insurance and so they cancelled the policy……but we live a GLORIOUS life.

Obviously there is more backstory to the situation that we have found ourselves in, but that may divulge a bit too much information. We have been in business for 2 years, well we bought an existing business, and while it is a good business and it does bring in a good amount of money, no one sees behind the scenes what has to be paid for. Our main source of income had to be replaced because we were given a bad hand of cards, so to speak. So many things have gone wrong and yet we are still blessed to have gotten this far. I know “this too shall pass” but please be careful what words you speak to others. We were told this by a family member, so it really stung to be told we live such a glorious life….well, maybe it’s because we don’t want to worry others with our issues, or we don’t want our kids to know the struggle is REAL. They need to continue to have their fun and play their recreational sports like nothing is different, because that’s what you do when you are a parent…..protect your little ones, and that’s what we do. Next time you see someone who seems to have it all together, just know they just might have a little part of them on the inside that is screaming!!!

I’m keeping it short today because I got a late start. I had to handle some personal things from The Mommy Line today before I could speak to you people out there that haven’t read my blogs yet……maybe someone will eventually read all this nonsense and jibberish, but until then…

Pray for Me!!