Struggles of Adulthood

In our business, it’s sand.

Everything is about sand…how we pay our employees, how we pay our bills….everything we do revolves around the selling and/or processing of sand.

In order to dig this sand, you are supposed to have a mining permit, which we do. We try to do everything right, but I still isn’t enough.

There are a lot of farmers in this area. They hear about a job needing a lot of sand/dirt, and they are all over it. They dig a new pond on their hundreds of acres and make $3 or $4 per ton off that big job, when we should have had it.

They don’t have mining permits, but they have the equipment and the material, so they do it to make 100,000, or however much that particular job is for.

It KILLS our business.

We have employees that need to be paid, taxes, bills, insurance, OURSELVES.

I’m at a point where money that is owed to us isn’t coming in…the money that is supposed to be coming in isn’t enough to cover our expenses, and I’m wondering if we should even keep our doors open.

We are in our third year of business. Should it really still be like this?!?!

Something has to change, but what? I am trying to bid for jobs so that we can at least keep things running, but AGAIN, a farmer could swoop in and decide to “dig a pond” at any given moment, yielding ample amounts of sand for a big job.

I put money aside to make our house payment, but before I could make it, I needed gas in my vehicle and that was the only money we had to our name, so I got gas, then we needed groceries, so I spent as little as possible by making an exact list and meal planning.

THEN, I come home Monday, and our WATER has been turned OFF!

Apparently, the bill didn’t get paid, so there goes another $200 from the “pay our house payment fund.”

All I can hope for at this point is a big job to come through and actually pay for their material and PATIENCE.

I have not been as obedient as I should be as far as a Christian goes. We moved a year ago to be closer to our business and family, and our church is in our old town. We don’t go as often and we aren’t as involved and I really feel it has taken a toll on us. We aren’t praying enough or serving enough, and not only do I feel like it’s taken a toll on us spiritually, but emotionally as well.

I feel a disconnect that I don’t want to feel and I yearn to get that connection back.

So then it comes to question, do we find a church here that we can call “home.”

It took us YEARS to find a church that immediately made us feel welcome and comfortable and like family, and the thought of not being a part of that is heart-wrenching.

….Adulthood is so difficult….. what it would be like to be a child again? Worry free and relying on the constant of your parents navigating of your every move, being your guidance and confidant….your source of income…no bills, no stress……

Why as children do we want to become adults so quickly?!?!?

As I sit and ponder the direction of our business, I am having such anxiety. This is our living! Sand allowed us to buy our house and our vehicles and our groceries, but it’s also our decisions and business that have put us in severe uncertainty and debt.

The fact of not knowing if and when jobs will come is extremely frightening! Our 4 children depend on us to be that constant that we so long for and miss from our childhood.

Pray that we get the direction we need and figure out where this path of life and adulthood is leading us. We have a lot of people depending on us.

Maybe with constant prayer and laying it all out, we will understand the direction we need to be going.

The Mommy Line

The Mommy Line

I guess this is how it will all begin…in the Mom Line…… Before I address what exactly the Mom Line is, let me tell you a bit about myself.

I have blogged off and on for the last 6 -7 years. I would like to think that I have a lot of time to do it, but reality is, I do, but every time I think I have the time to sit and type, a kid needs me. Tis’ life when it comes to motherhood, I guess.

I started blogging about funny things my oldest daughter used to say, not so much for anyone to read other than her one day. It’s hard to remember all the little cute things she used to do, so reading it makes me remember why i love her, because this whole tween stage she is going through, makes it really difficult for me to remember why i do in fact love her!

Anyways, I have 3 different blogs other than this one, and while I would love to share them with you, I am considering leaving this blog anonymous, because I anticipate getting really personal, and I’m honestly not quite ready for my friends and family that don’t know certain things, to know those certain things. I would like to think of this as my personal journal, but for the entire world to eventually see, maybe. If not the whole world, at least someone else can indulge in my craziness and feel more normal about themselves and know they aren’t alone.

I have 4 children, 5 if you include our sweet baby in heaven. I went into labor in my 2nd trimester, and she just wasn’t quite ready to be outside my womb. I am married and have been for 13 years. It has been trying and a complete roller coaster, but life would not be the same without him, and I know he was put on this earth for me. Let’s not get all sappy, but trust me, once I’ve given you the details on this crazy life of mine, you may just congratulate me, because it HAS NOT been easy. I was told I should write a book, but guess what??? No one wants to read a book about a person they don’t know, that isn’t famous, so blogging it is, and I don’t anticipate many folks reading this, so, an online Journal I will call it!

Back to the Mom Line thing. As stated, above, I have weighed my options as to writing a book, and decided that blogging would be my best option. I love typing/writing, and I am hopeful that journaling my days and triumphs and tribulations over the years, will be beneficial to someone, anyone. I titled this The Mommy Line simply because I plan on typing/writing while I sit in the Mom Line each day. The Mom Line is the line I wait in to pick up my son from school. I get him in the car about 3:15, but I get in the line at 2:00. Why you ask???? Well it’s simple really. My two oldest are at two different schools that get out at the exact same time and are about 7 minutes from each other, pending traffic. If I wait any later than about 2:15 to get to my son’s school, I am about 20-30 cars back and I won’t get him in my car until about 3:30, which in turn leaves my daughter waiting until after 3:30 to be picked up. Does it really matter? Probably not. Am I the only parent that has a kid at both schools? Definitely not. Am I going to continue to sit in this stupid line for over an hour? Absolutely. Occasionally, I have to get the baby out and nurse him, but most days him and the toddler take a nap, so it’s my quiet time. What better time to write a blog, right?

The days you don’t get something new, will most likely be those days that I had to get him out and nurse him instead of him taking a nap. I can’t promise something every day, but I am going to try. I am a super busy lady and Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday are jam packed. Tuesday we have back to back dance classes and soccer practice, Wednesday is another dance class, and Thursday is Tumbling.

I am trying to be the best mom that i can be, and while i know i am not the only mom that has a packed schedule and stories to tell, I’d like to think that something I say at some point will help someone who doesn’t have the ability to write it down. From deployments, a separation, an affair, baby loss, finding a church home, moving from the town you love back to the town you grew up in, quitting a career to run your own business…….we’ve kind of dabbled into multiple situations… I leave you with that….continue reading tomorrow if you wish, because I can assure you, I hope for it to be interesting. Today, I am cutting it short, because as mentioned prior, hungry baby, and an ill, naked toddler. ¬†She does have a diaper on……she was dressed 5 minutes before it was time to go, but she didn’t want to wear what she was wearing and didn’t want to go get her bubba from school. I am assuming in her head, that taking her clothes off and throwing a tantrum in the chair was enough for me to say okay, we won’t go anywhere, but can’t leave my kid standing at the school…..not sure that would be good for the whole “mom business.”

Until next time, I leave you with no words of wisdom, because I don’t really have anything on my brain right now other than, I have to pee, the baby needs a boob, and the toddler has FINALLY gone to sleep, and I still have an hour in the car!

Pray for me!