Middle of the Night Mom Thoughts

My husband had surgery 3 days ago…it was extensive ACL reconstruction surgery in his left knee….they constructed an ACL using part of his hamstring from his right leg, so he’s in a lot of pain.

While he is being a great patient, I’ve been sick… I was sick before the surgery…fever, cough, congestion, runny nose…all that.

The kids have been sick….

The big kids are fine and staying off with grandparents tonight.

I’ve finally got my know it all father in law out of my house, and of course my cough is now worse because I don’t have any help here, both little kids have fevers, and I’ve got 3 different alarms set to make sure my husband has his medicine on time.

My daughter is scratching constantly for some reason, and has decided to come get in the bed with me, and the baby is beet red because his fever is so high.

He refused to take Tylenol or any other medicine, so after trying to cool him down with a rag which he screamed at me for laying on him, I forcibly had to give him the Tylenol.

Of course this resulted in him gagging and drama that wasn’t necessary had he just taken the tasty grape goodness. I mean if he only knew what adults have to take, he’d be a bit more reasonable, possibly.

Meanwhile, I’m forcing this Tylenol down him, while I am coughing uncontrollably, and every time I cough I’m afraid of peeing a little.

I decide to get the baby a popsicle to help cool/calm him down, which leads to me pushing up a popsicle every 10 seconds praying that all the juice doesn’t end up all over my bed.

Meanwhile, every cough loosens my bladder, and inevitably leads to peeing a little, which results in having to walk away with the popsicle for 30 seconds which ends in baby screaming while I’m peeing, holding the popsicle, and it wakes the toddler who tries to comfort the screaming baby while the baby slaps her because he doesn’t want her consoling him, he just wants mommy and the popsicle.

Fastforward all of 5 minutes….we are on popsicle 2, toddler is back asleep, baby’s cheeks are still beet red, but fever is hopefully falling, the cough drop I’ve got doesn’t seem to be working, but I’m praying the medicine I took while I was obtaining popsicle #2 starts working and controls the cough that makes me pee a little.

Baby should be done with popsicle #2 in about 3-5 minutes, which will either bring in tears for yet another, or a satisfaction that results in going back to sleep, which will leave me in limbo for roughly 18 minutes when my alarm clock will be going off to get my husband his medicine and replace his ice in his ice machine and his cold pack from the freezer.

Praying this doesn’t wake the possible back to sleep baby so I can actually go back to sleep as well.

Pray for me!

A Letter to My Earthly Demon

I could wish hate upon you.

I could wish misfortune and heartache.

I can think of a number of things I could wish upon you…… but here’s why I won’t.

You clearly have all those things in your heart already.

Someone so willing to be so heartless when someone is vulnerable proves that the things I could wish upon you, already exist.

Instead, I will PRAY for you.

As much as you seem to want us to hurt, I will indulge in the fact that I have a heart of Gold and I will rise above your words.

Nobody is perfect. I am far from it, but the love I have in my heart and the joy I am given each and every day by my family is absolute PERFECTION.

You may use fancy words and accusatory tones, but nothing can take away what I have with MY Family.

You, sir, I feel for. I’m sorry that you feel it necessary to threaten my family because you don’t have a stable one.

The fact that the only reason you have a relationship ship with your grandchild is because your wife is kind, should have been my additional red flag, among the other things.

Or the only reason your daughter calls is when she needs money and your other child doesn’t even speak to you.

I’ve always thought you were a miserable old man, and now it has truly come to fruition.

I don’t think you believe in God, but I DO and my family DOES, so we will stand together no how big the storm and we will PRAY.

Pray for your twisted mind and your cold heart, because that’s what we should do.

While you threaten us, we will rise and conquer because one of the many things we have that you don’t is TRUST in the Lord and knowing that the path he is leading us down is not meant to be an easy one and you sir are just a speed bump along the way!

Sincerely,

MaMa Bear

Pray for Me!

I am a Joke

I am an absolute joke.

I don’t know what I have done or not done for it to get like this but something has to be done.

There children are walking ALL over me!

There are clothes all over the floor and trash tossed about in random places, dishes on the table from dinner….

Legos on the bathroom floor and HAIR CHALK remnants are all over the upstairs bathroom….fingernail polish on the bathroom counters

and clean, folded, well, been stepped on folded, on the floor….

Homework wasn’t done last night, pajamas are throw in the couch from this morning, attitudes are already flaring…..

And the only one that seems to notice all these things are ME.

My husband obviously caught on to the bitching because the 2 bags of trash that have been sitting by the pantry for THREE days was finally taken out…he’s got ONE job!!!

Why do I fold the clothes if they aren’t going to put them up?

Why do I ask to put your plate in the sink or clothes in the laundry room, if it’s not going to get done?!?!

I am a joke to them. I might as well talk to myself, which I already do half the time so I can get it out of my system without yelling at someone about whatever….

It stops TODAY!! I’ve got to start standing up for my HOUSE and my RULES and MYSELF.

I informed the kids this morning that they would be sitting on the couch this afternoon doing nothing until the house was cleaned and yes, I’m going to do it, bc it needs to be done the correct way and not everything thrown under beds or shoved in closets.

I told them no TV, no IPADS, NOTHING until everything was done.

I even told them NO WHINING! (I’m sure that won’t last)

This all stemmed from the fact that I’ve cleaned the living room 4 times this week, walked in there and immediately saw a chip bag, fruit snack wrapper, sticker on the floor, pajamas on the couch, another kids clothes on the floor, toys in random spots(toys are supposed to be upstairs) 3 plastic cups in the coffee table, lego pieces scattered…. (remember I have a 9 month old who loves putting small pieces of anything and everything in his mouth!

I am being overrun by my kids, spouse, and my house and I’m sick of it. Change starts today!!!

Pray for Me.

Life isn’t a Hallmark Movie

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a good Hallmark movie, but it’s the same thing over and over again (again, I still sit on my couch and watch them over and over like a broken record)

Why though? Life isn’t like these movies, not that I expect them to be, but for once, it would be nice to feel the real ness of what a complicated life really is like.

The movies are always boy meets girl in a small town, they fall in love and something always happens….

Your recent ex tracks you down and confesses his love all the while interfering with the new or rekindled love that you’ve found in said small town….

Or your business is failing, you fall in love with the local who happens to be wealthy and your business all of a sudden is thriving and making it while the day before you were preparing to close the doors….

Again, I love these movies, but oh how life is NOT a Hallmark Movie!

Maybe that’s Hallmark’s goal…to let you incision what could potentially be, MAYBE, or to just get you out of your world for 2 hours and engrossed in a life you only dream of.

What I can say is, there aren’t Hallmark movies about a couple who has been together since high school….no, they didn’t drift apart and meet back after all these years in their small town…. they haven’t faced a divorce and come back to their hometown, or dealt with a spouse death…… they’ve stuck it out TOGETHER all these years, and come back to their hometown…. with their FOUR kids….

They’ve been through two military deployments, high school and college graduations, death of grandparents, death of friends while overseas that they couldn’t save, a separation that almost ended in divorce, but through some almighty power, they MADE it.

Then again they were almost torn apart due to an affair that ended up making them stronger.

They’ve dealt with loss of friendships, financial hardships, the death of a child, and a business that just seems to keep afloat, BARELY, regardless of all the time and love and work that’s been put into it.

A wife who is self diagnosed as struggling with PPD, but not sure if it’s just depression from moving away from all her friends and a town she’s known for the last 13 years, but trying to keep it together between dance and tumbling and volleyball, and soccer, and guitar lessons.

A husband who gave up is law enforcement career to try and better his family and works his ass off every second of the day and it’s still a struggle to keep food on the table.

A couple who has defied all the odds against them and still love each other, and try their best to BE the best for their 4 kids who adore them.

A mom who is really trying to keep it together every second of every day despite the fact she feels like she’s drowning in a sea of bills, laundry, dishes, diapers, baths, and being a personal milk factory.

THAT should be a Hallmark Movie.

The inevitable triumphs despite all the road blocks that keep popping up at every turn. Maybe it would take you to an alternate universe like Hallmarks movies seem to make me do, but it would give a different perspective as to anything and any obstacle has the capability of being overcome.

Pray for me!

The word for the Day….Scabies! 😳

Be a mom they said…..

It’s the best gift ever they said….

They will bring you the most joy you have ever felt they said……

They didn’t say your 11 year old with a rash since before Christmas that you were told was Eczema, would in fact be Scabies!!!

From what I gather, it’s basically lice of the skin….which means washing all the linens to the beds, clothes she’s touched, towels she’s used, everything I feel like.

Mind you, our family is a close family, so we snuggle and cuddle and love on each other. There is NO personal space, which means, what if another kid has it!?!

In fact, my older son has little bumps on his hands that itch and resemble what my daughter’s started out as, but his is t as bad as hers. Hers is all up and down her arms, all over her stomach, on her hands, between fingers… 🙈😭.

Apparently this mess doesn’t show any signs h til 4-6 weeks after having contracted it, so the baby and the toddler could already have it and I don’t know it yet.

Did I mention before that my older son doesn’t sleep alone and he bed hops?!?! So he slept in his bed last night, mine the two nights before, and his little sister’s the night before that, so guess what that means?!?!

I get to wash all the linens on ALL the beds!!

Are you itching yet???? Because I am just thinking about all this!

I’m going to gather myself while I’m in the Mommy line and then rush home to swap the first load of linens I’ve already washed and replace with a second load, all while trying to get the toddler ready for tumbling, trying to keep my adhd, 11 year old beautiful daughter from touching or sitting on anything that could harbor this mess……

And we are supposed to be ah big people over for a Super Bowl Party Sunday. Working, school, my kids FINALLY aren’t SICK for the first time in what seems to be a lifetime ago, and now THIS.

The word for the day is SCABIES.

Pray for me!

A Teaching Moment in Positivity

I am TRYING! I truly am.

Everything in me wants to be a more positive person and see the little things as a promise for bigger things….

BUT….it is so difficult!

Is it supposed to be easy though?!?

Maybe we have struggles to truly appreciate the positive moments?

My now 11 year old daughter is at a point where she hasn’t quite grasped the concept of hygiene and that sort. She’s getting it, just not as much as she will…..

Her hair…. it’s fine and gets oily quickly, and my oh my…. the KNOTS….

I don’t understand how the knots accumulate. She got a new brush for Christmas and she’s been brushing her hair more than usual, but somehow it’s not getting the bottom layer of hair, which as a result is causing knots. I mean your “want to just cut them out” kind of knots.

In the midst of being the first day back to school in two weeks morning…. she asks me to brush her hair. She rarely asks so of course I say yes.

5 minutes into hair brushing, I’m only 1/3 done because of said knots. I made a comment. “This wasn’t in my plans this morning to spend 20 minutes on brushing hair.”

I’ve thought about it all day. I shouldn’t have said it. We spent 20 minutes together that we wouldn’t have, otherwise. I would have been in the kitchen getting breakfast and lunches ready and packing bags for work.

Instead, I got to spend 20 bonding minutes with my eldest, who may now never ask me to brush her hair again because she might think it’s an inconvenience.

I’m probably thinking too much into it, but that’s what’s been running through my head all day. Instead of me seeing the positive of spending time with her, I made a negative comment.

I have vowed to make myself better this year. All around better, so as a mom, friend, wife, neighbor, daughter, sister, etc.

This morning was one of those instances where I could have been better and I chose a different route.

Then, as I was getting my now 3 year old daughter out of the car to take into preschool, I found a “letter” from my oldest in an envelope addressed to “Mommy.”

I opened it when I got to work, and it says, “I don’t know what I’d do without you. You are the best mommy ever.” My heart melted, my face lit up, but tears filled my eyes.

If only I could see the positive like she does. No matter what is happening in her life, she always sees the positive and her her world, I’m the best mommy ever. It doesn’t matter how much I mess up, she still thinks of me as the best.

Maybe God gave me these children to see myself in a different light and so that I could see their truth and be positive for them and in turn for myself and others.

I really hope that I can see the teaching moment to myself in positivity during the next hair debacle, or whatever situation may arise, because though my children think I’m the best mommy ever, I want to show them how much better I can be.

Pray for me!

In The Fast Lane

Do you ever feel like you just never stop?!?!

I haven’t blogged in a few days, due to a hurricane and life in general. The kids were out of school so life has been entertaining and interesting all while a bit overwhelming and difficult.

This morning on the way into my son’s school, I was walking him in and I realized how fast I was trying to walk. I was almost pulling him. Then I realized, I had been doing it all morning….rush, rush, rush!

My son looks at me with this huge amount of love when we get to the spot where I have to leave him to walk by himself, and I notice he doesn’t even realize how much I’m rushing. All he sees is that I am holding his hand to walk him in and he knows I will give him hugs and kisses and smile as he continues down the hallway.

I wake up in the morning before anyone else and then I rush to get myself ready and the 4 kids, and then before I know it, it’s time to get all in the car and leave. I’ve got 3 school to drop off at, and then I head into work until our toddler gets out of school. Let’s not talk about the construction that they are doing by her school…….

Instead of turning left into her school, I have to go down about 2 miles through construction and then do a U-turn to go back to her school. Today, the cones have been set up so that I had to do a partial U-turn, back and then continue on. I guess they don’t realize people have to actually fit through there. I understand they are just doing their job, but it truly is frustrating trying to get to my little one.

I finally get to the school and then head home. I got home long enough to swap out the laundry, cook us lunch, and get the baby out of his car seat. As soon as I was about to fix E’s plate, I got a phone call. My oldest’s teacher was calling to tell me that she was sick and wanted to come home. I quickly put the plate in the microwave and left the food on the stove, and began to try and explain to E that she wouldn’t be eating right this minute….we were going to let it cool and we would eat it when we got back. She, of course, threw a huge tantrum, because she didn’t get it. I’m sure it was mostly because she was tired and desperately needed a nap, nevertheless, there was a huge tantrum involved. Lucky for me, she went to sleep before we could even get to the school to pick up my oldest.

When I got there, I was flooded with memories of my childhood as my 4th grade teacher came walking through the office, along with another lady that was at the school when I was there, 20 years ago. My daughter’s class had been outside, so of course she took forever to get to me. By the time we got back home, I was able to shove my lunch down really quickly as I nursed the baby, then it was off we went again to sit here….in the Mommy Line. Again, I was rushing to get to the mommy line. This is literally the only time in the day I feel like I’m not rushing, once I’m here in this line.

Why do I do this to myself? Rush, rush, rush…..at least Monday is a pretty relaxed day once we actually get home. We don’t have anywhere we have to go. I was able to start dinner in the crockpot during the chaos of cooking lunch, so I don’t have to worry about that, unless you consider that bacon I have to cook to add to it, but I kind of enjoy that, because my house will smell wonderful.

Before we can go home, we must make a gas run so i don’t run out going everywhere, stop by the office again to pick up a deposit, go by the bank, get home and do homework, do dinner bath time, bedtime, and get prepared to do it all over again tomorrow.

Why do I say all of this? It’s more of a reflection for me to try and do better and not rush as much. The kids don’t see it and they have no worries because I am here to do all the worrying for them. They don’t feel rushed, not do they have any inclination to feel that way. Oh, to be a child and not have a care or worry.

I need to be more aware of my rushing. If I got up a bit earlier, maybe I wouldn’t feel like I had to rush. I did much better the beginning of the school year, because we got up about 20 minutes earlier, and while we still left at the same time as we do now, and we are ready now, the kids were able to sit down, watch a little tv, and just be a kid in the morning before having to really start their day.

I will do better and be up a bit earlier and maybe I can be more like my children and not feel rushed, and in turn, I am hoping it will make the day go much smoother and it will make for an overall better day.

Pray for Me!