Busy Mom vs. Husband

Yesterday I went into work late….we own our business, so not a terribly big deal. Our oldest daughter likes to go in with my husband and “run the office” on days that I just need a little more time to get the other 3 ready to go out the door.

We just got back from vacation Sunday, so when it was time that I should be leaving, the baby was still asleep in the bed, because let’s face it…..NOTHING is better than being back in YOUR OWN BED…….   well my bed, because we “co-sleep,” but not really the point.

Anyways, I finally get to work, and it’s chaotic….4 kids, small office, phone ringing…..chaotic…

My husband is asking me all these questions, trying to figure out who hasn’t paid bills, because we need money in the account to pay employees, because while it was Monday, today is Tuesday, and that means, payday….

So, I am getting questions from everywhere, then realize we are out of receipt paper in our card machine, and we have a customer that was supposed to be coming to pay their bill that was paying with card, so I have to leave AGAIN….and of course by this time, it was lunchtime, so the kids needed to eat, so I couldn’t just run to Office Depot, I had to stop and grab lunch before heading back as well.

I got a text from my husband to stop and grab starting fluid….I ignored it, because the baby had just fallen asleep, I was already on the way back to the office, and I was just over taking orders for the day…whether it’s the husband or the children, I feel like that is all I am good for….taking orders and doing everyone’s bidding.

I finally get back to the office temporarily,  because it was Open House for the kids at their new school. We shove down our lunch very quickly, jump back in the car, then head to the school, for what I thought would be a relatively quick visit since the kids are in the same building this year….WRONG…..

Our daughter has 4 teachers/ 4 classrooms, so we had to visit them all….once we found them that is.

Then, after meeting my son’s 2nd grade teacher, he wanted to go visit his kindergarten teacher (he went to this school in kindergarten), but kindergarten is in a completely different building….

Did I tell you how we were “walking” through the school this whole time….. I have 4 children, and of course, my husband isn’t going to go with me, because that would be too convenient, so, I have a wagon….the baby was asleep initially, so kept him in the carseat and plopped in into the wagon, then had to BEG the 3 year old to stay in the wagon while we navigated through the PACKED hallways.

I pull the wagon back to the car, pack it all back up, and head to the kindergarten building so my son can say hey to his teacher.

We finally get done and head back to the office the grab the deposit for the day…meanwhile, my husband calls wanting to know where I am, because I guess I have been gone too long for his liking, but oh well….I’m trying to do the MOM thing. I explain to him that I am less than a mile away but I will NOT be staying, because I have the get to the bank before 5:00 and we have volleyball practice at OUR HOUSE at 6:00.

I am on the mend from vacation…my house wasn’t ready for visitors. While, we do keep them on the screened porch, I still have to have everything somewhat situated in case anyone needs to use the bathroom.

I drive up to the bank at 4:56, then get home around 5:15, knowing I have an extremely LIMITED amount of time to do everything I need/want to get done.

I needed to straighten living room, bathroom, kitchen, porch, and laundry room, as well as wash a bunch of dishes, and REALLY wanted to attempt getting dinner started or ready to be started….. I have planned to cook country style steak because my husband made the comment a couple weeks ago that I haven’t cooked that in over a year, so I wanted to surprise him.

My oldest helped with the living room, the bathroom had torn toilet paper all over the floor, from whom I can only guess was the baby got in there somehow the night before…. I washed what I could in dishes to make it look presentable, put a pot with the rice, water, and butter with the lid on, so I would just have to turn it on when practice was done. I mixed up the casserole and got it in a pan ready to be put in the oven when practice was over. I took out all the other supplies I needed to make the country style steak and the topping for the casserole. I had everything sitting out ready to go for when practice was over.

Then, I remembered that I needed to call my mom to come watch the other kids during practice, because I can never depend on my husband to be home in time to watch them. 5 minutes after I called, my husband shows up, and immediately asks if I’ve called my mom to come over and watch the kids. He goes to get in the shower, not even asking if there is anything he can do to help me.

Then, my parents get to the house….my dad is helping me coach, so that’s why he is there, and then my mom, obviously to watch the kids……BUT, as if I don’t have enough going on, my mom looks around and sighs, as if my house isn’t clean or good enough…I’ve had it at this point with everything. I tell her, I’ve got 4 kids, 5 if you include the husband, I’m trying to have a hot meal for them at a somewhat decent time, I’ve been working on school stuff since they start Wednesday, AND we just got back from vacation…I haven’t had time to do all the things that need to be done!

Then the girls start arriving for practice. Practice lasts all of 40 minutes due to the weather, which was almost time for me to regain my composure with the day’s events.

I immediately start on dinner, my husband goes and sits on the couch on his phone, and lifts not one finger. I tell him, I need him to keep the baby out of the kitchen, because I cook the country style steak in hot grease, so he did manage to come get the baby from under me. He asks me what I’m cooking, and immediately says, “you know we have leftover spaghetti. Why didn’t you just warm that up?” I was speechless to be honest with you, because yes, I could have warmed up spaghetti, but he complained about that last night, because I bought the kind with tomato chunks in it by accident, and he freaked out about that. I told him kindly, that I have the taco meat pre-cooked for Tuesday night because we have a volleyball game, and in hopes of winning Tuesday night, we will have a game on Wednesday night, and we would reheat the spaghetti then.

During dinner, which it was the best country style steak I have ever cooked….I proceed to ask him how everything is, and he responds with ” well, it’s been so long since you’ve cooked it, that I really don’t remember what it tastes like… But, you can cook. You have proved your worth.” Proved my worth? Are you freaking kidding me? I said nothing, because at this point, we were all sitting down as a family, and I didn’t want to start an argument.

He eats the majority of his plate, and says, “well, I need to go eat some TUMS.” You know, at this point the only thing positive out of his mouth, was that ” I have proved my worth,” and that wasn’t sitting well with me, so I don’t even know what to say or do.

After dinner, I was telling him what I needed to do in order to finish getting things ready for the kids first day of school, and he did offer to wash the dishes, but with the entails, him just washing what will fit in the other side of the sink, not finishing all the dishes, and I will be watching the baby, not doing anything that I need to be doing, so I told him that. I told him that I would wash the dishes, because I knew if I did it , it would be done, and not half way done like he likes to do it. He didn’t argue either. I guess maybe he does the half-way washing on purpose knowing it drives me crazy?? Who knows….I finish the dishes, wiping the counters, all that, and proceed to tell him that I have to go upstairs to get the kid’s school shirts done (they have to have uniforms, so I make their uniform t-shirts to save money, because mine look just like the ones you buy.) We just don’t advertise that I make them, because I don’t know that you aren’t supposed to, but I also don’t know if it’s okay.

I head up the stairs and the first thing he asks me is how many shirts to I have to do and what else do I have to do. I tell him I have 12 shirts already printed to press, and I wanted to go ahead and get our daughter’s school supplies monogrammed.  We are in the South….I will slap a monogram on anything possible, to include School Supplies.

I got 8 out of 12 shirts pressed and he kept asking me the entire time when I would be finished. He then asked what else I had to do, AGAIN……. When I told him I wanted to get her school supplies done, he asked “Do you have to do them tonight?”

In my mind…. PLEASE tell me when else I am going to do them? It was yesterday, so Monday, and they start school TOMORROW, Wednesday. We have a volleyball game tonight at 7, so by the time we get home, it will be at least 8:30, which is bedtime for the first night of school, and the baby will be getting fussy by this time, and I am at work all day today, after I had to take the oldest for her ADHD appointment….  When else will I have time to do it?

Guess what though??? The baby was crying, and he knows if the baby is crying, I am not going to continue to do what I am doing, so I design a few of the monograms that I was to print, and head downstairs to find him on his phone in one hand and holding the crying baby in the other, so with a little EFFORT, I’m sure he could have gotten the baby to sleep and gave me the opportunity to finish doing what I was doing.

Why am I telling y’all all this?? I honestly don’t know. I’m not really sure at this point that anyone even reads this but me……..

But, If you are out there? Is this just a man thing?? Or did I seriously get screwed in the husband category? I love him, I do, but this negativity that’s been going on, when I am truly trying to be a good wife, is getting out of hand. I mean, I go to a job every day that I DO NOT WANT to be at, because I know he NEEDS me there to do things, so that’s what I do. I go and do, and then when he comes home, he acts like I’ve been there all day, and haven’t been at work too…mind you WITH THE CHILDREN.

Why does he feel like it’s okay to be this way towards me, like he is some sort of God??  I just don’t get it. I am a full time mom and full time employee, at the SAME TIME, then I go home with said children and continue to do what I need to do there also. Am I just asking for too much, for him to be a joint partner with the kids and the house?? Is that even realistic? It’s not like I ask him to cook dinner, or anything like that. I don’t even ask him to do laundry. I simply want the trash taken out on the regular, and then the occasional assistance in keeping on top of things.

That’s not too much to ask is it? I mean, y’all, he spends most of his time ON HIS PHONE while I’m spending time with the kids or folding the laundry, and he sleeps on the couch and makes a mess like a college student and LEAVES it there in the mornings, for me to pick up. How hard is it to throw your spit bottle away, or your empty Mountain Dew can, or the Little Debbie wrappers, or put your late night either ice cream or cereal bowl in the sink?

Seriously y’all, PRAY FOR ME!!!

Struggles of Adulthood

In our business, it’s sand.

Everything is about sand…how we pay our employees, how we pay our bills….everything we do revolves around the selling and/or processing of sand.

In order to dig this sand, you are supposed to have a mining permit, which we do. We try to do everything right, but I still isn’t enough.

There are a lot of farmers in this area. They hear about a job needing a lot of sand/dirt, and they are all over it. They dig a new pond on their hundreds of acres and make $3 or $4 per ton off that big job, when we should have had it.

They don’t have mining permits, but they have the equipment and the material, so they do it to make 100,000, or however much that particular job is for.

It KILLS our business.

We have employees that need to be paid, taxes, bills, insurance, OURSELVES.

I’m at a point where money that is owed to us isn’t coming in…the money that is supposed to be coming in isn’t enough to cover our expenses, and I’m wondering if we should even keep our doors open.

We are in our third year of business. Should it really still be like this?!?!

Something has to change, but what? I am trying to bid for jobs so that we can at least keep things running, but AGAIN, a farmer could swoop in and decide to “dig a pond” at any given moment, yielding ample amounts of sand for a big job.

I put money aside to make our house payment, but before I could make it, I needed gas in my vehicle and that was the only money we had to our name, so I got gas, then we needed groceries, so I spent as little as possible by making an exact list and meal planning.

THEN, I come home Monday, and our WATER has been turned OFF!

Apparently, the bill didn’t get paid, so there goes another $200 from the “pay our house payment fund.”

All I can hope for at this point is a big job to come through and actually pay for their material and PATIENCE.

I have not been as obedient as I should be as far as a Christian goes. We moved a year ago to be closer to our business and family, and our church is in our old town. We don’t go as often and we aren’t as involved and I really feel it has taken a toll on us. We aren’t praying enough or serving enough, and not only do I feel like it’s taken a toll on us spiritually, but emotionally as well.

I feel a disconnect that I don’t want to feel and I yearn to get that connection back.

So then it comes to question, do we find a church here that we can call “home.”

It took us YEARS to find a church that immediately made us feel welcome and comfortable and like family, and the thought of not being a part of that is heart-wrenching.

….Adulthood is so difficult….. what it would be like to be a child again? Worry free and relying on the constant of your parents navigating of your every move, being your guidance and confidant….your source of income…no bills, no stress……

Why as children do we want to become adults so quickly?!?!?

As I sit and ponder the direction of our business, I am having such anxiety. This is our living! Sand allowed us to buy our house and our vehicles and our groceries, but it’s also our decisions and business that have put us in severe uncertainty and debt.

The fact of not knowing if and when jobs will come is extremely frightening! Our 4 children depend on us to be that constant that we so long for and miss from our childhood.

Pray that we get the direction we need and figure out where this path of life and adulthood is leading us. We have a lot of people depending on us.

Maybe with constant prayer and laying it all out, we will understand the direction we need to be going.

Life Behind Facebook

I’m sure by the title, you guys know exactly what I’m talking about….LIFE BEHIND FACEBOOK.

Social Media has a way of making us imagine ourselves in a perfect world and then broadcasting it so everyone can see how fantastic our life is.  I try and be honest, but apparently I make my life look like I’ve got it all together.

I guess, inevitably, that’s what you want, right? You want it to “appear” that you’ve got your shit together and you and your family are doing wonderful.

Let’s face it…who wants to post NEGATIVE things on Social Media. I know in my life, I don’t try and fixate on those bad moments, and I try to focus on the good, but get REAL, it’s a struggle.

I’ve got 4 children, work as full time as I can around their schedules, and try and keep the upkeep of the house and be a wife. Did I mention, I bring the baby to work??? And then I leave on Monday, Wednesday, Friday to go get her from preschool, and we come BACK to work??

My mom and grandmother both have friends that say to me, “I don’t know how you do it.” I’m talking they ALL say this to me. What the hell am I doing???  I get it, I’m doing it, but I’m so not doing it.

They don’t see the meltdowns in the morning because my son refused to go to bed at a decent time so he’s cranky and doesn’t want to get dressed, then falls asleep in the car because he’s so tired and then whines when we get to school because he’s too tired.

No one sees my oldest have a complete breakdown because I forgot to make her a doctor’s appointment to get a refill on her ADHD prescription and she has testing that day.

Or what about the 3 year old who REFUSES to potty train?!?!?

The baby, yeah, he’s pretty perfect, but seriously, I didn’t broadcast on Facebook all these woes we went through….

Or let’s talk about date night….. Facebook post says we went on a date night, had a great time at this new local restaurant, which we did, but what it didn’t tell you was that we went on the first date we’ve been on by ourselves in our 3 YEARS in an effort to rekindle whatever we have, because life has taken completely over and we have found ourselves only talking about the children or work (we work together in our own business.) Facebook didn’t say that we struggle to even have a conversation about anything other than work or the kids because we’ve forgotten how to communicate.

Our conversation consisted of making a promise to each other that we would work on this and do better to be attentive to one another and not focus all our discussions on these two things, because otherwise, where will we be down the road when the kids are out of the house??

And I know I’m not the only one. I see couples all the time, people we are friends with, who we know are struggling with their relationships or their children or falling on hard times financially, but it’s all a front to put your best on Facebook. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with it. Facebook is kind of like a fantasy, of what you want your life to look like, but not exactly what’s really going on behind closed doors.

Don’t get me wrong, our house really is filled with love and laughs and fun times, we just choose not to share the bad, or the ugly. Just remember though, everyone has the bad and the ugly.

No matter, how perfect life may seem to you or to anyone else, there is always the ugly, and honestly, that’s what makes us real and authentic.

If we didn’t have the bad, would we really appreciate all the good that we have and experience?

 

New Year, New Me

Who makes New Year’s Resolutions??

I have decided to stop this nonsense, considering not many people actually stick to or keep their resolutions.

I have decided that I will just work on me in general, and put my focus more towards my health and well being.

I have 4 children, and while I love them dearly and put all my time and effort into them, I have come to realize that if I’m not where I need to be, they won’t be where they need to be. A happier, healthier mom, makes for happier, healthier children? Right?? That is my mentality as of late.

So, maybe not a New Year’s Resolution, but more of a slow change to a better me. Easier said than done, when having to work, raise four children, two of which go to work with me, and I’m a nursing mom, so that’s more energy exerted, dance classes, guitar lessons, tumbling, school activities and clubs, a struggling business, keeping the house clean, maintaining relationships/friendships, trying to maintain a marriage that seems to be struggling more and more daily due to the strain of life………

I’ve got A LOT to work on. Maybe we will call this a … MOMalution…… a Resolution as a mom to be better in general for her children and herself so that everyone becomes better???

I may be rambling, but it is what it is.

I have found that I don’t necessarily know that I am very good at this blogging thing. I am good at writing what I’m thinking, but it’s what I’m thinking, and my brain constantly goes from one thing to the next, sometimes not even making sense to myself, so it’s hard to comprehend sometimes.

Growing up, I was told that I write like I talk, and that has always puzzled me, because why wouldn’t you write like you talk???

I guess the benefit of blogging is, in my opinion, there is really no right or wrong way of the style of writing that you do, because it is yours and your own and unique.

I realize there is probably a certain way to write if I wanted to make money doing this, and while that would be nice, I don’t anticipate that every happening.

I think I have rambled enough for one evening, but as of today, I will be working on my MOMalution, and trying to make myself better for my health and well being so that my kids can benefit from that.

Happy New Year!!!

Anxiety

I just sent my oldest two off to a college football game with my dad.  I should be jumping through the roof because I’m down to two kids, but instead I am sitting here praying they make it there okay and have a good time.  Anxiety is no joke.  I ponder every scenario and worry the entire time they are gone until they get home back in my arms.

I worry about an asthma attack, as my son has asthma, or a car wreck, or anything really.  I feel like I am being so negative, because I know they will have a great time and I hope they will both get home in one piece, but you just never know, and I think the fear of not knowing and not being in control really gets to me.

I never really had this anxiety until we lost our baby around 20 weeks.  Ever since we lost her, I obsess and worry about everything.  I don’t like them going places where I don’t take them and even when I do take them, I worry the entire time.  I don’t let my worry affect them, because I want their childhood to be fun and memorable, not in the sense that they remember me worrying their entire childhood.

I literally worry about everything. I try to let it go and keep my mind busy with other things, but it is constantly in the back of my mind anything and everything that could possibly happen, that I don’t have control over.  I need to put my worries with God, but it is so difficult when my anxiety seems to take over every ounce of anything else I have going on.

I also have anxiety over our business.  Not having a set income like a regular job is so stressful, and put on top of that, people don’t pay their invoices like they need to, and our main source of income had to be replaced and was down for a couple months.  It is truly a recipe for an anxiety attack.  I’m not really sure what an anxiety attack feels or looks like, but I’m pretty sure I am on the verge of one.  Bills are piling up, money isn’t coming in, employees have to be paid, we have a huge job coming up and we don’t know if we can meet the demand, but we desperately need the job to keep things running and be able to pay what we need to pay personally, and on the business end of things. Plus, we just had an employee Facebook message his ONE WEEK NOTICE, when he told my husband he would not leave us high and dry and would give us a two week notice.  We had a feeling it was coming, but we weren’t really sure when, but his wife graduated a few months ago and got a good paying job, and we knew he would be gone once she started working.  We just didn’t think number 1 it would be through social media, and two it would only be a week notice, right before our BIG job is set to start, so we will be down to my husband and two other guys.  One of the other guys is in his late 70s and has told us He may finally retire at the end of the year, because his health his slowly failing. He already has to go to chemo once a week and doctors appointments typically take up at least another 1/2 day during the week.  Our other employee has been there for a very long time, but he’s getting up there in age as well, and then you have my husband.  He already busts his ass, so I can’t imagine the stress he is feeling finding out this news this morning. I am so worried about him and I don’t know what to do or say, because he seems to handle it with such poise, when I know he is about to freak out on the inside, because he can’t physically do everything that needs to be done.  There aren’t enough hours in the day to get it all done, and he doesn’t need that additional stress.

We could hire someone else if the money would come in like it’s supposed to, but trying to hire someone else right now when the business is in the shape that it’s in, financially, it is really almost out of the questions.

Stress, anxiety, worry, depression, fear….it’s good to list it out and feel like it’s “getting out” I guess.  While it doesn’t really make things better, it is nice to be able to verbalized everything going on.

We will just pray about it.  God has a plan, right? We think so, and nobody said it would ever be easy, but the anxiety is REAL.

Pray for Me.

Being a Business Owner

As promised to myself, I am sticking to this blogging every day thing, even when I have other things to do and truly just want to sit and not think about ANYTHING. Owning your own business is TOUGH! Everyone says they wish they could work for themselves and not have a boss and while it all seems great, it is SUPER HARD. We have been told that we have a “glorious life.” If they only really knew what all went on behind closed doors. Don’t get me wrong, we have LOVE and if you want to call that glorious, go right ahead, but I have this to say…. my husband comes home from work every single day dirty from head to toe, most of the time hungry because he didn’t get a chance to eat because he wanted to make sure his employees had their lunch breaks. He is seriously the hardest working man I know and it is really a slap in the face for someone to say “go live your glorious life.” If you consider glorious these things…..not paying yourselves instead of laying off your employees because they have families too, not sleeping at night because I’m either worried about how to pay the house payment or anxiously awaiting my husband to finally come home because he’s working super late to play catch up, because said employees that he chooses not to lay off don’t like to work late and don’t bother showing up half the time….lets see, what else about this glorious life?!? Looking out the window every morning and making sure your vehicle is still there because you know you just hit 3 months behind even though you made a payment last week, because the new billing cycle was on the 2nd. Having to come up with money to pay for the baby’s doctor visit and shots because you were 2 months behind on insurance and so they cancelled the policy……but we live a GLORIOUS life.

Obviously there is more backstory to the situation that we have found ourselves in, but that may divulge a bit too much information. We have been in business for 2 years, well we bought an existing business, and while it is a good business and it does bring in a good amount of money, no one sees behind the scenes what has to be paid for. Our main source of income had to be replaced because we were given a bad hand of cards, so to speak. So many things have gone wrong and yet we are still blessed to have gotten this far. I know “this too shall pass” but please be careful what words you speak to others. We were told this by a family member, so it really stung to be told we live such a glorious life….well, maybe it’s because we don’t want to worry others with our issues, or we don’t want our kids to know the struggle is REAL. They need to continue to have their fun and play their recreational sports like nothing is different, because that’s what you do when you are a parent…..protect your little ones, and that’s what we do. Next time you see someone who seems to have it all together, just know they just might have a little part of them on the inside that is screaming!!!

I’m keeping it short today because I got a late start. I had to handle some personal things from The Mommy Line today before I could speak to you people out there that haven’t read my blogs yet……maybe someone will eventually read all this nonsense and jibberish, but until then…

Pray for Me!!