Struggles of Adulthood

In our business, it’s sand.

Everything is about sand…how we pay our employees, how we pay our bills….everything we do revolves around the selling and/or processing of sand.

In order to dig this sand, you are supposed to have a mining permit, which we do. We try to do everything right, but I still isn’t enough.

There are a lot of farmers in this area. They hear about a job needing a lot of sand/dirt, and they are all over it. They dig a new pond on their hundreds of acres and make $3 or $4 per ton off that big job, when we should have had it.

They don’t have mining permits, but they have the equipment and the material, so they do it to make 100,000, or however much that particular job is for.

It KILLS our business.

We have employees that need to be paid, taxes, bills, insurance, OURSELVES.

I’m at a point where money that is owed to us isn’t coming in…the money that is supposed to be coming in isn’t enough to cover our expenses, and I’m wondering if we should even keep our doors open.

We are in our third year of business. Should it really still be like this?!?!

Something has to change, but what? I am trying to bid for jobs so that we can at least keep things running, but AGAIN, a farmer could swoop in and decide to “dig a pond” at any given moment, yielding ample amounts of sand for a big job.

I put money aside to make our house payment, but before I could make it, I needed gas in my vehicle and that was the only money we had to our name, so I got gas, then we needed groceries, so I spent as little as possible by making an exact list and meal planning.

THEN, I come home Monday, and our WATER has been turned OFF!

Apparently, the bill didn’t get paid, so there goes another $200 from the “pay our house payment fund.”

All I can hope for at this point is a big job to come through and actually pay for their material and PATIENCE.

I have not been as obedient as I should be as far as a Christian goes. We moved a year ago to be closer to our business and family, and our church is in our old town. We don’t go as often and we aren’t as involved and I really feel it has taken a toll on us. We aren’t praying enough or serving enough, and not only do I feel like it’s taken a toll on us spiritually, but emotionally as well.

I feel a disconnect that I don’t want to feel and I yearn to get that connection back.

So then it comes to question, do we find a church here that we can call “home.”

It took us YEARS to find a church that immediately made us feel welcome and comfortable and like family, and the thought of not being a part of that is heart-wrenching.

….Adulthood is so difficult….. what it would be like to be a child again? Worry free and relying on the constant of your parents navigating of your every move, being your guidance and confidant….your source of income…no bills, no stress……

Why as children do we want to become adults so quickly?!?!?

As I sit and ponder the direction of our business, I am having such anxiety. This is our living! Sand allowed us to buy our house and our vehicles and our groceries, but it’s also our decisions and business that have put us in severe uncertainty and debt.

The fact of not knowing if and when jobs will come is extremely frightening! Our 4 children depend on us to be that constant that we so long for and miss from our childhood.

Pray that we get the direction we need and figure out where this path of life and adulthood is leading us. We have a lot of people depending on us.

Maybe with constant prayer and laying it all out, we will understand the direction we need to be going.

Life isn’t a Hallmark Movie

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a good Hallmark movie, but it’s the same thing over and over again (again, I still sit on my couch and watch them over and over like a broken record)

Why though? Life isn’t like these movies, not that I expect them to be, but for once, it would be nice to feel the real ness of what a complicated life really is like.

The movies are always boy meets girl in a small town, they fall in love and something always happens….

Your recent ex tracks you down and confesses his love all the while interfering with the new or rekindled love that you’ve found in said small town….

Or your business is failing, you fall in love with the local who happens to be wealthy and your business all of a sudden is thriving and making it while the day before you were preparing to close the doors….

Again, I love these movies, but oh how life is NOT a Hallmark Movie!

Maybe that’s Hallmark’s goal…to let you incision what could potentially be, MAYBE, or to just get you out of your world for 2 hours and engrossed in a life you only dream of.

What I can say is, there aren’t Hallmark movies about a couple who has been together since high school….no, they didn’t drift apart and meet back after all these years in their small town…. they haven’t faced a divorce and come back to their hometown, or dealt with a spouse death…… they’ve stuck it out TOGETHER all these years, and come back to their hometown…. with their FOUR kids….

They’ve been through two military deployments, high school and college graduations, death of grandparents, death of friends while overseas that they couldn’t save, a separation that almost ended in divorce, but through some almighty power, they MADE it.

Then again they were almost torn apart due to an affair that ended up making them stronger.

They’ve dealt with loss of friendships, financial hardships, the death of a child, and a business that just seems to keep afloat, BARELY, regardless of all the time and love and work that’s been put into it.

A wife who is self diagnosed as struggling with PPD, but not sure if it’s just depression from moving away from all her friends and a town she’s known for the last 13 years, but trying to keep it together between dance and tumbling and volleyball, and soccer, and guitar lessons.

A husband who gave up is law enforcement career to try and better his family and works his ass off every second of the day and it’s still a struggle to keep food on the table.

A couple who has defied all the odds against them and still love each other, and try their best to BE the best for their 4 kids who adore them.

A mom who is really trying to keep it together every second of every day despite the fact she feels like she’s drowning in a sea of bills, laundry, dishes, diapers, baths, and being a personal milk factory.

THAT should be a Hallmark Movie.

The inevitable triumphs despite all the road blocks that keep popping up at every turn. Maybe it would take you to an alternate universe like Hallmarks movies seem to make me do, but it would give a different perspective as to anything and any obstacle has the capability of being overcome.

Pray for me!

Harboring Negative Feelings

3 Days and 5 Years ago….. I found out my husband was having an affair….

It was a day I will not forget, and the following days after were a complete nightmare….

Why do I bring it up after all that time….well, it’s simple really, this time of year, I always feel so bitter.

We somehow managed to work through it, and I am glad that we did, but all in the same, sometimes I do ask why.

There is always the thought of it happening again, but I’d like to think that he learned his lesson and won’t stoop to that again.

We have since joined a church and got baptized, and have been through quite a few things together since “the affair” but I always bring my mind right back to it this time of year.

She was younger, and perfect body, while at the time I had birthed 2 children… I couldn’t understand why he would do this and I still really don’t understand why.

Then I think of the all the things that have happened since that fateful day, and I am overjoyed at what all we have accomplished and where our life is now.

We lost a baby a little over a year after I found out about the affair, but we have had two additional children since then. He owns his own business now, we work together, we’ve moved to a different town……

All these things have happened for the positive, yet I still dwell in it…Why?

Perhaps I’m jealous that he got to live this alternative life? Thought I’ve never even considered doing something as sleezy as having an affair, I can’t help but wonder if this may be why I harbor the feelings that I do every year around this time.

It is beyond me. Maybe one day I will feel the weight lifted and not feel like I do every year at this time, but for now, this is how I feel.

Have any of you ever been cheated on and made it work??

What are your strategies to keep it going and not harbor the feelings?

I literally don’t even really think about it until January, and then it tapers off and I don’t think about it again until the next year.

Overthinking

The weather here has finally started to cool down a bit. It was so hot that we were still in shorts and tank tops, but luckily, I think it has finally turned Fall. Today, I am able to sit in the mommy line with the windows open and the car off, listening to the cars go by.

Another reason for the windows down is that I forgot that I needed gas, and I am afraid I will run out, so thank the good Lord that the weather is nice, because otherwise, I may be pushing this big bus around to all my stops.

It is so peaceful though…..the skies are blue and the clouds are beautiful. My car is absolutely silent, for right this minute anyways. The baby is sleeping and so is the toddler, and all I can do is think.

I tend to overthink everything and today is no exception. I went into the office today, and I found myself making list after list of what I needed to get done to catch up and finish my new office so that I can actually get in it.

I also overthink about silly things.

A few days ago, I decided that I would buy a few Mega Millions tickets. I NEVER play the lottery. It’s just not something that I’ve ever really done, but my mom was talking to me about it and said that it was over 600 million, so I decided, what the hell, so that began a thinking process of what I would do if I won…

It’s easy really. I would pay off all our debts, and I would help a lot of people. I would set up college funds for my kids and nephews, I would help out one of our good friends that is a widowed mom of three because she struggles, and I wish there was more that I could do to help her. I would start some kind of organization. I am not sure exactly what that organization would be, but considering my schooling background is in the child development field, I’m sure it would help children and their families somehow. When you have a large amount of money, many things are possible and that is what I began to think about. I even prayed last night that GOD would let me win. How silly is that? I even said to God I knew it was silly, but that I promised I would do good with it.

Well, I didn’t win and I’m not sure if anyone did, but I know that I didn’t. I can only pray and hope that if anyone did, they choose to use it wisely. I would love to help my parents and in laws and good friends and my church. I would love to be able to help certain people not have to worry about if food will be on their table or if they can afford to go buy their kids winter clothes.

I hate to see winners just choose to buy a big house and blow the money and then not even have anything to show for it.

Obviously, I am overthinking. I didn’t win. I’m not ever going to win, and all these dreams I have to help people are pointless to even think of, because i know it wont happen. I say all this because just once, it would be nice to be dealt a bit better hand than what we have in the past. No, money isn’t everything, but it does cause a lot of issues if you don’t have any.

Don’t get me wrong, we have been dealt some great hands in the past and I’m sure will be in the future as well, but when it comes to our livelihood(our business), it has been a struggle and continues to be a struggle. We have had help from parents to get bill paid and we are trying our best to stay afloat, and my husband remains positive and uplifting, all the while, I just feel like we are completely drowning. I am hoping once I can figure out a schedule and get back to the office on the regular, I can’t find some sort of floatation device to float on, because I’m just not seeing it right now.

My husband works so incredibly hard…I mean SO HARD and it is frustrating to see him work so hard just so we can pay employees and then we have to nickel and dime it to figure out how to pay for our house and our other bills.

It would be so much easier just to hit it big and win the lottery and be able to lift the burden of providing for us off of his shoulders.

For now, I will just sit here and enjoy this nice breeze, beautiful weather, and a temporary silent car and be grateful for all the blessings this life has given me.

OVERTHINKING……..

Pray for me.

In The Fast Lane

Do you ever feel like you just never stop?!?!

I haven’t blogged in a few days, due to a hurricane and life in general. The kids were out of school so life has been entertaining and interesting all while a bit overwhelming and difficult.

This morning on the way into my son’s school, I was walking him in and I realized how fast I was trying to walk. I was almost pulling him. Then I realized, I had been doing it all morning….rush, rush, rush!

My son looks at me with this huge amount of love when we get to the spot where I have to leave him to walk by himself, and I notice he doesn’t even realize how much I’m rushing. All he sees is that I am holding his hand to walk him in and he knows I will give him hugs and kisses and smile as he continues down the hallway.

I wake up in the morning before anyone else and then I rush to get myself ready and the 4 kids, and then before I know it, it’s time to get all in the car and leave. I’ve got 3 school to drop off at, and then I head into work until our toddler gets out of school. Let’s not talk about the construction that they are doing by her school…….

Instead of turning left into her school, I have to go down about 2 miles through construction and then do a U-turn to go back to her school. Today, the cones have been set up so that I had to do a partial U-turn, back and then continue on. I guess they don’t realize people have to actually fit through there. I understand they are just doing their job, but it truly is frustrating trying to get to my little one.

I finally get to the school and then head home. I got home long enough to swap out the laundry, cook us lunch, and get the baby out of his car seat. As soon as I was about to fix E’s plate, I got a phone call. My oldest’s teacher was calling to tell me that she was sick and wanted to come home. I quickly put the plate in the microwave and left the food on the stove, and began to try and explain to E that she wouldn’t be eating right this minute….we were going to let it cool and we would eat it when we got back. She, of course, threw a huge tantrum, because she didn’t get it. I’m sure it was mostly because she was tired and desperately needed a nap, nevertheless, there was a huge tantrum involved. Lucky for me, she went to sleep before we could even get to the school to pick up my oldest.

When I got there, I was flooded with memories of my childhood as my 4th grade teacher came walking through the office, along with another lady that was at the school when I was there, 20 years ago. My daughter’s class had been outside, so of course she took forever to get to me. By the time we got back home, I was able to shove my lunch down really quickly as I nursed the baby, then it was off we went again to sit here….in the Mommy Line. Again, I was rushing to get to the mommy line. This is literally the only time in the day I feel like I’m not rushing, once I’m here in this line.

Why do I do this to myself? Rush, rush, rush…..at least Monday is a pretty relaxed day once we actually get home. We don’t have anywhere we have to go. I was able to start dinner in the crockpot during the chaos of cooking lunch, so I don’t have to worry about that, unless you consider that bacon I have to cook to add to it, but I kind of enjoy that, because my house will smell wonderful.

Before we can go home, we must make a gas run so i don’t run out going everywhere, stop by the office again to pick up a deposit, go by the bank, get home and do homework, do dinner bath time, bedtime, and get prepared to do it all over again tomorrow.

Why do I say all of this? It’s more of a reflection for me to try and do better and not rush as much. The kids don’t see it and they have no worries because I am here to do all the worrying for them. They don’t feel rushed, not do they have any inclination to feel that way. Oh, to be a child and not have a care or worry.

I need to be more aware of my rushing. If I got up a bit earlier, maybe I wouldn’t feel like I had to rush. I did much better the beginning of the school year, because we got up about 20 minutes earlier, and while we still left at the same time as we do now, and we are ready now, the kids were able to sit down, watch a little tv, and just be a kid in the morning before having to really start their day.

I will do better and be up a bit earlier and maybe I can be more like my children and not feel rushed, and in turn, I am hoping it will make the day go much smoother and it will make for an overall better day.

Pray for Me!

Back to Work and One Mommy Line today

Well, it was back to work for me today. It is our business so I get to take the baby, but I also got to take our oldest son today. He has had a lingering cough for weeks and this morning it had just gotten to him. His head hurt so bad he kept it laying on the kitchen table in between bites of cereal.

I don’t have my whole set up today(IPad and keyboard) so it may be shorter today, since I’m on my phone and I don’t have the long wait today.

Since my oldest son didn’t go to school, I didn’t have to wait in the long line. My daughter’s mommy line is much more manageable than my son’s.

Anyways, it was back to work, kind of. We’ve got a new office building that we are moving everything to, or should I say, I’m moving everything too, so in between moving things, organizing things, and nursing a baby, I am “working,” and today, I had the extra job of entertaining a 6 year old.

I am in a weird place right now trying to figure it all out again. I had my schedule managed pretty well before I had the baby, but I feel like my house never got done, so juggling working at least part time while the toddler is in preschool and having the baby at work with me should be interesting. I do have office “help” for now. He has been there since a few weeks before the baby was born, but I have recently discovered that the majority of my paperwork hasn’t been done or hasn’t been done properly, so I am a little on edge about actually getting back and doing real work. I imagine there will be many overwhelming days ahead, whether it be juggling the baby while working, catching up on overdue paperwork.

In the meantime, I sit in my only mommy line for the day, while the toddler sleeps, the baby coos, and the 6 year old is crying and mad because he has “the worst life ever.” “I thought being a kid was supposed to have fun, not be bosses around by their parents. You use your kids like there……..ummmm…what are they called??  Use them like their your maid.”  Hahahahaha I held back my laughter, considering he’s hear that phrase from me, because I’ve told them they treat me like their made by leaving their clothes on the floor, trash on the floor and on the table in the living room, and leaving their dishes sitting on the kitchen table.  I have to say, the mommy line is a bit more mouthy today while writing than it typically is. No quiet time today to reflect and hear myself think.

Well, the mommy line has started moving, so I guess I better wrap it up so I don’t rearend anyone while blogging. Wouldn’t that be interesting to explain to my husband!?!

Pray for Me.

Being a Business Owner

As promised to myself, I am sticking to this blogging every day thing, even when I have other things to do and truly just want to sit and not think about ANYTHING. Owning your own business is TOUGH! Everyone says they wish they could work for themselves and not have a boss and while it all seems great, it is SUPER HARD. We have been told that we have a “glorious life.” If they only really knew what all went on behind closed doors. Don’t get me wrong, we have LOVE and if you want to call that glorious, go right ahead, but I have this to say…. my husband comes home from work every single day dirty from head to toe, most of the time hungry because he didn’t get a chance to eat because he wanted to make sure his employees had their lunch breaks. He is seriously the hardest working man I know and it is really a slap in the face for someone to say “go live your glorious life.” If you consider glorious these things…..not paying yourselves instead of laying off your employees because they have families too, not sleeping at night because I’m either worried about how to pay the house payment or anxiously awaiting my husband to finally come home because he’s working super late to play catch up, because said employees that he chooses not to lay off don’t like to work late and don’t bother showing up half the time….lets see, what else about this glorious life?!? Looking out the window every morning and making sure your vehicle is still there because you know you just hit 3 months behind even though you made a payment last week, because the new billing cycle was on the 2nd. Having to come up with money to pay for the baby’s doctor visit and shots because you were 2 months behind on insurance and so they cancelled the policy……but we live a GLORIOUS life.

Obviously there is more backstory to the situation that we have found ourselves in, but that may divulge a bit too much information. We have been in business for 2 years, well we bought an existing business, and while it is a good business and it does bring in a good amount of money, no one sees behind the scenes what has to be paid for. Our main source of income had to be replaced because we were given a bad hand of cards, so to speak. So many things have gone wrong and yet we are still blessed to have gotten this far. I know “this too shall pass” but please be careful what words you speak to others. We were told this by a family member, so it really stung to be told we live such a glorious life….well, maybe it’s because we don’t want to worry others with our issues, or we don’t want our kids to know the struggle is REAL. They need to continue to have their fun and play their recreational sports like nothing is different, because that’s what you do when you are a parent…..protect your little ones, and that’s what we do. Next time you see someone who seems to have it all together, just know they just might have a little part of them on the inside that is screaming!!!

I’m keeping it short today because I got a late start. I had to handle some personal things from The Mommy Line today before I could speak to you people out there that haven’t read my blogs yet……maybe someone will eventually read all this nonsense and jibberish, but until then…

Pray for Me!!