Middle of the Night Mom Thoughts

My husband had surgery 3 days ago…it was extensive ACL reconstruction surgery in his left knee….they constructed an ACL using part of his hamstring from his right leg, so he’s in a lot of pain.

While he is being a great patient, I’ve been sick… I was sick before the surgery…fever, cough, congestion, runny nose…all that.

The kids have been sick….

The big kids are fine and staying off with grandparents tonight.

I’ve finally got my know it all father in law out of my house, and of course my cough is now worse because I don’t have any help here, both little kids have fevers, and I’ve got 3 different alarms set to make sure my husband has his medicine on time.

My daughter is scratching constantly for some reason, and has decided to come get in the bed with me, and the baby is beet red because his fever is so high.

He refused to take Tylenol or any other medicine, so after trying to cool him down with a rag which he screamed at me for laying on him, I forcibly had to give him the Tylenol.

Of course this resulted in him gagging and drama that wasn’t necessary had he just taken the tasty grape goodness. I mean if he only knew what adults have to take, he’d be a bit more reasonable, possibly.

Meanwhile, I’m forcing this Tylenol down him, while I am coughing uncontrollably, and every time I cough I’m afraid of peeing a little.

I decide to get the baby a popsicle to help cool/calm him down, which leads to me pushing up a popsicle every 10 seconds praying that all the juice doesn’t end up all over my bed.

Meanwhile, every cough loosens my bladder, and inevitably leads to peeing a little, which results in having to walk away with the popsicle for 30 seconds which ends in baby screaming while I’m peeing, holding the popsicle, and it wakes the toddler who tries to comfort the screaming baby while the baby slaps her because he doesn’t want her consoling him, he just wants mommy and the popsicle.

Fastforward all of 5 minutes….we are on popsicle 2, toddler is back asleep, baby’s cheeks are still beet red, but fever is hopefully falling, the cough drop I’ve got doesn’t seem to be working, but I’m praying the medicine I took while I was obtaining popsicle #2 starts working and controls the cough that makes me pee a little.

Baby should be done with popsicle #2 in about 3-5 minutes, which will either bring in tears for yet another, or a satisfaction that results in going back to sleep, which will leave me in limbo for roughly 18 minutes when my alarm clock will be going off to get my husband his medicine and replace his ice in his ice machine and his cold pack from the freezer.

Praying this doesn’t wake the possible back to sleep baby so I can actually go back to sleep as well.

Pray for me!

I Signed up for THIS.

I read things that will say how people put “fake” lives on Facebook and nothing is truly that perfect, which I agree with on the occasion, especially when I see one of my friends who complain CONSTANTLY about situations, then go posting how great everything is.

I’d like to think that I keep it real for the most part. I do use the occasional SnapChat Filter, only because I don’t always have the time or want to make the time to put makeup on, and I’ll use the filter that just makes my face look decent, not like a superstar.

Anyways, I have noticed for some time now that when I post a video rant or a post about a kid being sick or not feeling well, I get an

“I’m so sorry.”

or a

” Cherish these moments, because it won’t last forever.”

“It will get easier, Mama.”

Let’s get one thing straight…. while I half-hazardly appreciate the concern, there’s no concern here. NONE. I just want VALIDATION that this MOM thing ISN’T for the FAINT of HEART.

There is NO need for an APOLOGY about my kid being sick, or me being up all night and waking up in the middle of the night catching throw up in a towel and/or on myself from the baby.

I SIGNED UP FOR THIS!!!

This is MOTHERHOOD.  In all its glory.

The SAME people that complain that “your life is so perfect through Facebook,” are the ones who want to try and give the advice on how sorry they are and give you pity when things AREN’T going perfect, so WHAT DO YOU WANT??   My perfect “fake” life, or MY “I just got threw up on in the middle of the night life?

In my eyes, when you are saying, “oh, it will be okay mama. this is just a difficult time.” I KNOW THIS!   Again, I SIGNED UP FOR THIS.  I don’t need your SYMPATHY.

I am just trying to not so silently make my point that THIS IS WHY moms ONLY POST POSITIVE things, because they don’t want to hear APOLOGIES. We just want a “Hope they feel better soon.” or a “Let me know if you need anything.”

And trust me when I say, I don’t post because I want something. I just simply want to let people in on my life, because let’s face it……

If I run into you today, I’m going to be half-asleep, probably not in the best mood, because I was up half the night being puked on, and I may or may not be wearing a TIARA because my kids DARED me to since it’s my birthday……

So not only do I look half-asleep and cranky, but I will also be walking around looking like a Hungover Disney Princess.

I’m a HOT MESS…

BUT….

I SIGNED UP FOR THIS!!!

I knew there would be days of puke and poop and all nasty things, but I also know this job comes with SNUGGLES, and SLOPPY KISSES, and a LOVE that has NO END and NO Measure, no matter how wide these sweet kiddos spread their arms to tell me just HOW MUCH they love me.

I SIGNED UP FOR THIS, so

PLEASE

STOP with the apologies when everything ISN’T perfect!!!

Sometimes a mom just needs to vent to VALIDATE that what she is going through is NORMAL and KNOW that SHE ISN’T the only one up in the middle of the night getting puked on, or cleaning shit out of a bathtub.

So please, just let it be. Let the mom know, you know what she’s going through and she ISN’T ALONE.

Don’t offer an apology.

Again, She’s looking for VALIDATION, not SYMPATHY.

Offer another CRAZY story about YOU being up in the middle of the night, so that she TRULY knows she is not alone.

Motherhood is messy and emotional and one of the most stressful and amazing journeys I have ever been through and continue to go through, but in the end…..

I am SO glad that I SIGNED UP FOR THIS!

The Parenting Handbook

The joke is on us as parents. There is NO Handbook that tells us how to DEAL.

I mean there are handbooks for EVERYTHING, but not THIS. There is no book that can tell you how to properly deal with every situation that you will face as a parent, or every EMOTION that YOU as the PARENT will go through when seeing your child hurt or happy, or anything.

This parenting thing is HARD!

I posted a few weeks ago about finding out our daughter had SCABIES. This was the most off the wall thing I could have ever though possible for my daughter, but there it was…..the cream, the pamphlet, the screaming when the cream was put on because it burned so bad because the itching she had been doing caused open wounds……the CONSTANT itching, that makes YOU feel like you want to itch until you feel NOTHING.

We treated her and my oldest son. We washed all the bedding in the entire house, did everything we were supposed to do…… my son seems fine, but our daughter was STILL itching…. then…. the BABY….he is itchy and has spots….the doctor originally said it appeared to be dry skin, and that she didn’t think it was SCABIES, but then he got a spot on his hand that looked like an ant bite, but larger. I told the doctor and she said, let’s treat him for Scabies just to be on the safe side, so with the second tube of ointment, we treated the baby, and myself.

Since this, we have given our oldest a second treatment, because she was STILL ITCHING, and this time it seems to have worked for her, but now my 3 year old, the baby, and myself are itching.

When will it END?!?!?  Again, I say, there are NO HANDBOOKS for this kind of thing. I am literally WASHING BEDDING DAILY to try and rid ourselves of this thing. We have steamed/vaccummed the floors, the couch, the mattresses, the pillows…… I am exhausted. All this laundering has left the house a mess, because all of our attention has been on the bedding and furniture, so NOT ONLY am I ITCHY, but I’m going CRAZY because my house is a MESS!!!

Then, let’s talk about the fact that up until about 3 weeks ago, but 11 year old was still in pull-ups. We have been to a Urologist, tried medications, tried waking her up during the night, EVERYTHING, and NOTHING has been working. About 3 weeks ago, she waited until about 9:00 at night to tell me she was out of pull-ups and I simply said, I’m not buying them anymore. You’ve got to figure it out. It may seem HARSH, but it truly had gotten to a point of what I feel is a dependence on the pull up and she was using her “hard sleeping” as an excuse. She’s never been to a sleepover because it’s embarrassing, and she’s never been to a camp or anything of that nature because of this. She is truly MISSING OUT.

Again, NO HANDBOOK for how to deal with these situations. For inquiring minds……the first night without the pullups, my husband woke her up to go to the bathroom one time, and she woke up DRY!!!  It was like a miracle, because we have TRIED ALL THIS before. 2nd night, DRY, 3rd night, DRY, 4th night, DRY……  In 3 weeks, we have had ONE accident.

Then COMES the RINGER……..  YESTERDAY……..

My daughter gets in the car from school and says, “mom, I tried calling you like 20 times today and you didn’t answer.” So of course I respond as if something is terribly wrong. She hands me the folded up blue piece of paper and says,

“Here, I can’t tell you, JUST READ IT.”

note

“OMG, I said.” She says, “yeah, I tried calling you and the office, and your mom and her office, and I even called daddy and was going to ask for you if he answered, but no one answered.”

……..this is what being a mom is…..I want to be there for my child for things like THIS, and I didn’t answer the PHONE. Granted, I didn’t have any missed calls from her either. I don’t know what happened for them not to go through, but none of us had missed calls from her, and she said she called MULTIPLE times.

MOM FAIL!!!

Seriously y’all, there is NO HANDBOOK for all this. No one tells you how much of an emotional roller coaster parenting is, or how much you can love a little person who has the attitude of their father and the looks of you. It is unbelievable the amount of emotions running through me yesterday when I read this little blue piece of paper.

So what now?!? The school nurse talked her through her first time, because the call didn’t come through to my phone…My daughter restored my faith in parenting though when I asked her if she freaked out and her response was, “well, I did at first, but you pretty much prepared me that it was going to come at some point, I just didn’t think it would be today.”  …. We don’t ever expect it sweet girl…..

There’s more about this whole handbook thing that I want to discuss at some point, but I don’t know that it will be today. I just wanted to give my thoughts as to there is NO HANDBOOK. I guess if there were, it would still leave out the little details, because as you all know, everyone is different, and we all parent in our own ways and have different relationships with our children.

I have just been drowning the last month or so with all this sickness and rashes and now this. We get her out of pull-ups and now we have a “woman” on our hands……. although she may think she’s a “woman,” I informed her this morning that she is and will always be my baby and she better not forget that.

Maybe I will write my own book, as a “guide” for my daughters when they have children one day that would at least give them some laughs and enlightenment as to what they can look forward to as MOMS.

Pray for Me.

 

I am a Joke

I am an absolute joke.

I don’t know what I have done or not done for it to get like this but something has to be done.

There children are walking ALL over me!

There are clothes all over the floor and trash tossed about in random places, dishes on the table from dinner….

Legos on the bathroom floor and HAIR CHALK remnants are all over the upstairs bathroom….fingernail polish on the bathroom counters

and clean, folded, well, been stepped on folded, on the floor….

Homework wasn’t done last night, pajamas are throw in the couch from this morning, attitudes are already flaring…..

And the only one that seems to notice all these things are ME.

My husband obviously caught on to the bitching because the 2 bags of trash that have been sitting by the pantry for THREE days was finally taken out…he’s got ONE job!!!

Why do I fold the clothes if they aren’t going to put them up?

Why do I ask to put your plate in the sink or clothes in the laundry room, if it’s not going to get done?!?!

I am a joke to them. I might as well talk to myself, which I already do half the time so I can get it out of my system without yelling at someone about whatever….

It stops TODAY!! I’ve got to start standing up for my HOUSE and my RULES and MYSELF.

I informed the kids this morning that they would be sitting on the couch this afternoon doing nothing until the house was cleaned and yes, I’m going to do it, bc it needs to be done the correct way and not everything thrown under beds or shoved in closets.

I told them no TV, no IPADS, NOTHING until everything was done.

I even told them NO WHINING! (I’m sure that won’t last)

This all stemmed from the fact that I’ve cleaned the living room 4 times this week, walked in there and immediately saw a chip bag, fruit snack wrapper, sticker on the floor, pajamas on the couch, another kids clothes on the floor, toys in random spots(toys are supposed to be upstairs) 3 plastic cups in the coffee table, lego pieces scattered…. (remember I have a 9 month old who loves putting small pieces of anything and everything in his mouth!

I am being overrun by my kids, spouse, and my house and I’m sick of it. Change starts today!!!

Pray for Me.

Life isn’t a Hallmark Movie

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a good Hallmark movie, but it’s the same thing over and over again (again, I still sit on my couch and watch them over and over like a broken record)

Why though? Life isn’t like these movies, not that I expect them to be, but for once, it would be nice to feel the real ness of what a complicated life really is like.

The movies are always boy meets girl in a small town, they fall in love and something always happens….

Your recent ex tracks you down and confesses his love all the while interfering with the new or rekindled love that you’ve found in said small town….

Or your business is failing, you fall in love with the local who happens to be wealthy and your business all of a sudden is thriving and making it while the day before you were preparing to close the doors….

Again, I love these movies, but oh how life is NOT a Hallmark Movie!

Maybe that’s Hallmark’s goal…to let you incision what could potentially be, MAYBE, or to just get you out of your world for 2 hours and engrossed in a life you only dream of.

What I can say is, there aren’t Hallmark movies about a couple who has been together since high school….no, they didn’t drift apart and meet back after all these years in their small town…. they haven’t faced a divorce and come back to their hometown, or dealt with a spouse death…… they’ve stuck it out TOGETHER all these years, and come back to their hometown…. with their FOUR kids….

They’ve been through two military deployments, high school and college graduations, death of grandparents, death of friends while overseas that they couldn’t save, a separation that almost ended in divorce, but through some almighty power, they MADE it.

Then again they were almost torn apart due to an affair that ended up making them stronger.

They’ve dealt with loss of friendships, financial hardships, the death of a child, and a business that just seems to keep afloat, BARELY, regardless of all the time and love and work that’s been put into it.

A wife who is self diagnosed as struggling with PPD, but not sure if it’s just depression from moving away from all her friends and a town she’s known for the last 13 years, but trying to keep it together between dance and tumbling and volleyball, and soccer, and guitar lessons.

A husband who gave up is law enforcement career to try and better his family and works his ass off every second of the day and it’s still a struggle to keep food on the table.

A couple who has defied all the odds against them and still love each other, and try their best to BE the best for their 4 kids who adore them.

A mom who is really trying to keep it together every second of every day despite the fact she feels like she’s drowning in a sea of bills, laundry, dishes, diapers, baths, and being a personal milk factory.

THAT should be a Hallmark Movie.

The inevitable triumphs despite all the road blocks that keep popping up at every turn. Maybe it would take you to an alternate universe like Hallmarks movies seem to make me do, but it would give a different perspective as to anything and any obstacle has the capability of being overcome.

Pray for me!

Four Years Ago YESTERDAY

Four years ago yesterday, I was in labor all day and didn’t know it.

Four years ago yesterday, I sat in the waiting room at the doctor’s office with cramping and a false positive on my water breaking while I waited to go into an ultrasound.

Four years ago yesterday, I saw our baby girl moving on a monitor with her heart beating and was told everything would be OK.

Four years ago yesterday, we would go grocery shopping in an attempt to forget that I was cramping.

Four years ago yesterday, I would come home cook dinner and my dad came to visit because we were getting the nursery and the other kids’ rooms ready for the arrival of our baby in a few months.

Four years ago yesterday, after dinner the cramping continued and worsened and for some reason I decided to start timing it.

Four years ago yesterday, I sat in my living room timing my cramps that were two minutes apart and I knew something wasn’t right.

Four years ago yesterday, I called the midwife multiple times asking about the pain I was in and telling her that they were consistently coming a couple minutes apart.

Four years ago yesterday, I was assured that my doctor’s visit showed nothing was wrong and that I should lay down and relax because it was most likely Braxton Hicks contractions.

Four years ago yesterday, as I laid on my side trying to relax I felt a pop as if a balloon had popped inside of me and I knew my water had just broken.

Four years ago yesterday, I jumped up from the bed and went to the bathroom and knew she was coming way too soon.

Four years ago yesterday, I cried in agony knowing we had to go to the hospital but not wanting to.

Four years ago yesterday, my dad who lives an hour away happened to be at our house… talk about right place right time, unfortunately.

Four years ago yesterday, my husband and I sped in the car on the way to the hospital, getting pulled over along away just to be let go when we told him the situation.

Four years ago yesterday, I got to the hospital and immediately went back and all the midwife could say was she was sorry this was happening.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor came in and wanted to look at the baby on an ultrasound machine.

Four years ago yesterday, we watched our little baby kick and turned and her heart was beating a perfect rate just to be told she would be coming and there was nothing we could do about it.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor did give us a glimmer of hope when he said if it’s not real labor you’ll just be on bedrest for two months until she’s ready.

Four years ago yesterday, I knew from the bottom of my heart that I was in labor, although I’d be willing to lay in a bed as long as I needed in order to keep my baby.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor wanted to see if I was in actual labor by checking my cervix.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor made a face and told my husband to look.

Four years ago yesterday, the umbilical cord was already hanging out of my cervix.

Four years ago TODAY, the doctor said that since her heartbeat was so strong she could possibly be born alive.

Four years ago today, my husband and I did something we never thought we’d have to do.

Four years ago today, we wished that our daughter wouldn’t be born alive because we knew she wouldn’t survive and we didn’t want her to suffer.

Four years ago today, I had to pee and I was afraid to, because I knew what would happen with the pressure.

Four years ago today, I went to the bathroom and our daughter was born in the white plastic thing you catch urine in.

Four years ago today, I gave birth to this bright pink, perfect little baby and there was nothing I could do to save her.

Four years ago today, we held her in our arms and counted her 10 fingers and 10 toes and saw the hair that was beginning to grow.

Four years ago today, we held our perfect baby and cried in disbelief at what just happened.

Four years ago today, my husband and I vowed to not blame each other for the circumstances we were facing.

Four years ago today, my husband and I made a promise to be strong for one another because we knew this was going to bring out a lot of emotions.

Four years ago today, we knew we were destined to have another baby.

Four years ago today, we prayed more than we had prayed in our entire marriage.

Four years ago today, we had to leave the hospital with our baby in a little box and not in a car seat or in my womb.

Four years ago today, we took our baby home.

Four years ago today, our oldest got to meet her sister and hold her.

Four years ago today, we had to take our baby girl to the funeral home.

Four years ago today, I was numb with any kind of emotion and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about the funeral service for my baby when 24 hours prior she was alive in my belly.

Four years ago today, we were lost and broken and didn’t know how we’d move forward.

For years ago YESTERDAY, our lives were changed forever, and TODAY we will celebrate with love and tears and prayer and cake for our sweet girl’s 4th Birthday.

Another day I will tell more of our story as to how we’ve moved forward, and what a journey it has been. Our sweet baby wasn’t with us for long, but the impact she played on our lives has remained evident in all the things we do.

Pray for Me!!!

The word for the Day….Scabies! 😳

Be a mom they said…..

It’s the best gift ever they said….

They will bring you the most joy you have ever felt they said……

They didn’t say your 11 year old with a rash since before Christmas that you were told was Eczema, would in fact be Scabies!!!

From what I gather, it’s basically lice of the skin….which means washing all the linens to the beds, clothes she’s touched, towels she’s used, everything I feel like.

Mind you, our family is a close family, so we snuggle and cuddle and love on each other. There is NO personal space, which means, what if another kid has it!?!

In fact, my older son has little bumps on his hands that itch and resemble what my daughter’s started out as, but his is t as bad as hers. Hers is all up and down her arms, all over her stomach, on her hands, between fingers… 🙈😭.

Apparently this mess doesn’t show any signs h til 4-6 weeks after having contracted it, so the baby and the toddler could already have it and I don’t know it yet.

Did I mention before that my older son doesn’t sleep alone and he bed hops?!?! So he slept in his bed last night, mine the two nights before, and his little sister’s the night before that, so guess what that means?!?!

I get to wash all the linens on ALL the beds!!

Are you itching yet???? Because I am just thinking about all this!

I’m going to gather myself while I’m in the Mommy line and then rush home to swap the first load of linens I’ve already washed and replace with a second load, all while trying to get the toddler ready for tumbling, trying to keep my adhd, 11 year old beautiful daughter from touching or sitting on anything that could harbor this mess……

And we are supposed to be ah big people over for a Super Bowl Party Sunday. Working, school, my kids FINALLY aren’t SICK for the first time in what seems to be a lifetime ago, and now THIS.

The word for the day is SCABIES.

Pray for me!