Struggles of Adulthood

In our business, it’s sand.

Everything is about sand…how we pay our employees, how we pay our bills….everything we do revolves around the selling and/or processing of sand.

In order to dig this sand, you are supposed to have a mining permit, which we do. We try to do everything right, but I still isn’t enough.

There are a lot of farmers in this area. They hear about a job needing a lot of sand/dirt, and they are all over it. They dig a new pond on their hundreds of acres and make $3 or $4 per ton off that big job, when we should have had it.

They don’t have mining permits, but they have the equipment and the material, so they do it to make 100,000, or however much that particular job is for.

It KILLS our business.

We have employees that need to be paid, taxes, bills, insurance, OURSELVES.

I’m at a point where money that is owed to us isn’t coming in…the money that is supposed to be coming in isn’t enough to cover our expenses, and I’m wondering if we should even keep our doors open.

We are in our third year of business. Should it really still be like this?!?!

Something has to change, but what? I am trying to bid for jobs so that we can at least keep things running, but AGAIN, a farmer could swoop in and decide to “dig a pond” at any given moment, yielding ample amounts of sand for a big job.

I put money aside to make our house payment, but before I could make it, I needed gas in my vehicle and that was the only money we had to our name, so I got gas, then we needed groceries, so I spent as little as possible by making an exact list and meal planning.

THEN, I come home Monday, and our WATER has been turned OFF!

Apparently, the bill didn’t get paid, so there goes another $200 from the “pay our house payment fund.”

All I can hope for at this point is a big job to come through and actually pay for their material and PATIENCE.

I have not been as obedient as I should be as far as a Christian goes. We moved a year ago to be closer to our business and family, and our church is in our old town. We don’t go as often and we aren’t as involved and I really feel it has taken a toll on us. We aren’t praying enough or serving enough, and not only do I feel like it’s taken a toll on us spiritually, but emotionally as well.

I feel a disconnect that I don’t want to feel and I yearn to get that connection back.

So then it comes to question, do we find a church here that we can call “home.”

It took us YEARS to find a church that immediately made us feel welcome and comfortable and like family, and the thought of not being a part of that is heart-wrenching.

….Adulthood is so difficult….. what it would be like to be a child again? Worry free and relying on the constant of your parents navigating of your every move, being your guidance and confidant….your source of income…no bills, no stress……

Why as children do we want to become adults so quickly?!?!?

As I sit and ponder the direction of our business, I am having such anxiety. This is our living! Sand allowed us to buy our house and our vehicles and our groceries, but it’s also our decisions and business that have put us in severe uncertainty and debt.

The fact of not knowing if and when jobs will come is extremely frightening! Our 4 children depend on us to be that constant that we so long for and miss from our childhood.

Pray that we get the direction we need and figure out where this path of life and adulthood is leading us. We have a lot of people depending on us.

Maybe with constant prayer and laying it all out, we will understand the direction we need to be going.

So Over It

I’m SO OVER IT.

EVERYTHING.

OVER EVERYTHING.

I say this and will continue to keep going and try and enjoy the little bright moments that my family gives to me, but for RIGHT THIS SECOND, I’m over it. I want a vacation by MYSELF away from it ALL…. Children, husband, any sort of RESPONSIBILITY or any event that requires me to be somewhere at a SPECIFIC time.

I say all this knowing it will never happen, because the whole time I would be away, I would be thinking of and missing my sweet babies and having anxiety about what they are doing while I’m gone and if everything is okay, so here I sit…

……..NO MOM-cation, no serenity, no quiet, no time to think things without an interruption……..

Today, I sit at WORK, with my toddler crying to the point of gasping because I took her Ipad away, the baby is teething so he’s fussy, and a husband who is at his whit’s end at with the business.

I am expected to be his rock ALL the time, but when I need something, I can’t even come to him because he has all these questions and wants to know why I feel that way, then he will send a sweet text saying how great of a mom I am like I’m going to fawn all over it.

DUDE, I KNOW I’m a good mom, can YOU be a BETTER DAD and HUSBAND?!?!?

I don’t want this to come off like I don’t appreciate his work, because I do. I am there for the most part EVERY DAY with him and know how hard he works, and when I say hard work, I don’t mean just long hours, I mean PHYSICAL, MUSCLE draining LABOR….. He WORKS incredibly hard, BUT….

So do I…….  I am the one who gets the four kids up and ready in the morning times, and I’m still expected to be at the office as soon as I can so that I can fulfill the obligations there. I have to go at least 2 schools every morning and 2 days a week, I go to 3 to drop kids off. Then, I have to haul 15 minutes down the road to get to the office at a decent time. Occasionally, I have a doctor appointment for one of the kids, so I drop off, run to the doctor, drop off by school, then head to work.  It’s a lot and it become overwhelming….not so much the dropping off and appointments, but the getting ready every morning and doing it BY MYSELF, and then having to stare at the house from the night before that looks like wild animals live there, and there is nothing I can do about it because I’m rushing around like a maniac trying to get all the kids together, fed, lunches packed, shoes on, coats on, bows in, and so I just stare at the mess.

It is a daunting thing to stare at. I have all intentions of starting the washing machine and swapping the laundry, but it just doesn’t happen. The mornings I think I will have time, I end up forgetting someone didn’t finish their homework, or I didn’t sign a permission form, or I can’t find a kid’s shoes or my keys…..it’s always something.

I just want some help too. I am expected to be at work and “help” and I want help at MY place of business (home) Is that too much to ask?!? I mean I am really growing somewhat of a resentment towards my husband because he gets to go to work WITHOUT children. He gets up in the morning and gets HIMSELF dressed, and head out the door all within 20 minutes, nothing hindering him. He gets to drive in silence on the way to work without kids yelling at each other about who touched who or where their jacket is because they are cold….. He gets to actually DO HIS work while he is at work….I have to figure out how to answer a phone and it sound professional with a screaming baby on the other end.

Then I try and put it into perspective that this is only a glimpse in time. One day they will be grown, and while I know that is true, the present is NOW, and right NOW I am supposed to keep it ALL together, the office, the house, the kids, MYSELF, the schedules, and it just doesn’t seem to be happening………

I mean my husband agreed to be in a wedding the same day as our girls’ dance recitals. It is both of their FIRSTS and he has told this guy, who we haven’t hung out with in at least 10 years that he would be in his wedding, INSTEAD of going to the recital, and then the Bachelor Party he tells me is ON OUR ANNIVERSARY weekend….. what kind of shit is that?!?!?   First, I am supposed to go to a CLOSE friends’ wedding this same weekend, but tell them we can’t once we get the recital date, THEN he gets asked to be in THIS wedding, the SAME weekend, and says YES, KNOWING we aren’t going to the other one because of the recital…….THEN he wants to go to the Bachelor Party on our ANNIVERSARY weekend!?!?!?!?!

I’m at a loss.

As you can tell, today has been a rough one, and while I do love my husband, or at least I think I do, I get so frustrated at what little he does to help us in the present. He keeps saying business is going to get better, and it HAS, but he works a lot of hours now, but he wants credit for working these hours, because it’s PLASTERED on Facebook. It was to the point this morning, that I almost “checked in” at “motherhood” and said some stuff just to try and prove a point, because let’s face it, moms are ALWAYS “checked in” to motherhood. It’s not something we get up and get ready for….We are just there… ALL THE TIME…

I am hoping and praying I get through the rest of this day and tomorrow’s hopeful post is much more positive and uplifting, but today is Thursday, and that means, getting home at 3:45 from all my school pick ups, having to get dinner started and toddler dressed for tumbling at 4:30, getting back from tumbling around 5:30 and have the two big kids’ soccer practices at 6:00 and 7:00……. Somewhere in between we will have Homework, dinner eaten in shifts, baths, bedtime, and MAYBE a “mommy drink” to keep my sanity.

 

Pray for ME.

Anxiety

I just sent my oldest two off to a college football game with my dad.  I should be jumping through the roof because I’m down to two kids, but instead I am sitting here praying they make it there okay and have a good time.  Anxiety is no joke.  I ponder every scenario and worry the entire time they are gone until they get home back in my arms.

I worry about an asthma attack, as my son has asthma, or a car wreck, or anything really.  I feel like I am being so negative, because I know they will have a great time and I hope they will both get home in one piece, but you just never know, and I think the fear of not knowing and not being in control really gets to me.

I never really had this anxiety until we lost our baby around 20 weeks.  Ever since we lost her, I obsess and worry about everything.  I don’t like them going places where I don’t take them and even when I do take them, I worry the entire time.  I don’t let my worry affect them, because I want their childhood to be fun and memorable, not in the sense that they remember me worrying their entire childhood.

I literally worry about everything. I try to let it go and keep my mind busy with other things, but it is constantly in the back of my mind anything and everything that could possibly happen, that I don’t have control over.  I need to put my worries with God, but it is so difficult when my anxiety seems to take over every ounce of anything else I have going on.

I also have anxiety over our business.  Not having a set income like a regular job is so stressful, and put on top of that, people don’t pay their invoices like they need to, and our main source of income had to be replaced and was down for a couple months.  It is truly a recipe for an anxiety attack.  I’m not really sure what an anxiety attack feels or looks like, but I’m pretty sure I am on the verge of one.  Bills are piling up, money isn’t coming in, employees have to be paid, we have a huge job coming up and we don’t know if we can meet the demand, but we desperately need the job to keep things running and be able to pay what we need to pay personally, and on the business end of things. Plus, we just had an employee Facebook message his ONE WEEK NOTICE, when he told my husband he would not leave us high and dry and would give us a two week notice.  We had a feeling it was coming, but we weren’t really sure when, but his wife graduated a few months ago and got a good paying job, and we knew he would be gone once she started working.  We just didn’t think number 1 it would be through social media, and two it would only be a week notice, right before our BIG job is set to start, so we will be down to my husband and two other guys.  One of the other guys is in his late 70s and has told us He may finally retire at the end of the year, because his health his slowly failing. He already has to go to chemo once a week and doctors appointments typically take up at least another 1/2 day during the week.  Our other employee has been there for a very long time, but he’s getting up there in age as well, and then you have my husband.  He already busts his ass, so I can’t imagine the stress he is feeling finding out this news this morning. I am so worried about him and I don’t know what to do or say, because he seems to handle it with such poise, when I know he is about to freak out on the inside, because he can’t physically do everything that needs to be done.  There aren’t enough hours in the day to get it all done, and he doesn’t need that additional stress.

We could hire someone else if the money would come in like it’s supposed to, but trying to hire someone else right now when the business is in the shape that it’s in, financially, it is really almost out of the questions.

Stress, anxiety, worry, depression, fear….it’s good to list it out and feel like it’s “getting out” I guess.  While it doesn’t really make things better, it is nice to be able to verbalized everything going on.

We will just pray about it.  God has a plan, right? We think so, and nobody said it would ever be easy, but the anxiety is REAL.

Pray for Me.

Being a Business Owner

As promised to myself, I am sticking to this blogging every day thing, even when I have other things to do and truly just want to sit and not think about ANYTHING. Owning your own business is TOUGH! Everyone says they wish they could work for themselves and not have a boss and while it all seems great, it is SUPER HARD. We have been told that we have a “glorious life.” If they only really knew what all went on behind closed doors. Don’t get me wrong, we have LOVE and if you want to call that glorious, go right ahead, but I have this to say…. my husband comes home from work every single day dirty from head to toe, most of the time hungry because he didn’t get a chance to eat because he wanted to make sure his employees had their lunch breaks. He is seriously the hardest working man I know and it is really a slap in the face for someone to say “go live your glorious life.” If you consider glorious these things…..not paying yourselves instead of laying off your employees because they have families too, not sleeping at night because I’m either worried about how to pay the house payment or anxiously awaiting my husband to finally come home because he’s working super late to play catch up, because said employees that he chooses not to lay off don’t like to work late and don’t bother showing up half the time….lets see, what else about this glorious life?!? Looking out the window every morning and making sure your vehicle is still there because you know you just hit 3 months behind even though you made a payment last week, because the new billing cycle was on the 2nd. Having to come up with money to pay for the baby’s doctor visit and shots because you were 2 months behind on insurance and so they cancelled the policy……but we live a GLORIOUS life.

Obviously there is more backstory to the situation that we have found ourselves in, but that may divulge a bit too much information. We have been in business for 2 years, well we bought an existing business, and while it is a good business and it does bring in a good amount of money, no one sees behind the scenes what has to be paid for. Our main source of income had to be replaced because we were given a bad hand of cards, so to speak. So many things have gone wrong and yet we are still blessed to have gotten this far. I know “this too shall pass” but please be careful what words you speak to others. We were told this by a family member, so it really stung to be told we live such a glorious life….well, maybe it’s because we don’t want to worry others with our issues, or we don’t want our kids to know the struggle is REAL. They need to continue to have their fun and play their recreational sports like nothing is different, because that’s what you do when you are a parent…..protect your little ones, and that’s what we do. Next time you see someone who seems to have it all together, just know they just might have a little part of them on the inside that is screaming!!!

I’m keeping it short today because I got a late start. I had to handle some personal things from The Mommy Line today before I could speak to you people out there that haven’t read my blogs yet……maybe someone will eventually read all this nonsense and jibberish, but until then…

Pray for Me!!