Harboring Negative Feelings

3 Days and 5 Years ago….. I found out my husband was having an affair….

It was a day I will not forget, and the following days after were a complete nightmare….

Why do I bring it up after all that time….well, it’s simple really, this time of year, I always feel so bitter.

We somehow managed to work through it, and I am glad that we did, but all in the same, sometimes I do ask why.

There is always the thought of it happening again, but I’d like to think that he learned his lesson and won’t stoop to that again.

We have since joined a church and got baptized, and have been through quite a few things together since “the affair” but I always bring my mind right back to it this time of year.

She was younger, and perfect body, while at the time I had birthed 2 children… I couldn’t understand why he would do this and I still really don’t understand why.

Then I think of the all the things that have happened since that fateful day, and I am overjoyed at what all we have accomplished and where our life is now.

We lost a baby a little over a year after I found out about the affair, but we have had two additional children since then. He owns his own business now, we work together, we’ve moved to a different town……

All these things have happened for the positive, yet I still dwell in it…Why?

Perhaps I’m jealous that he got to live this alternative life? Thought I’ve never even considered doing something as sleezy as having an affair, I can’t help but wonder if this may be why I harbor the feelings that I do every year around this time.

It is beyond me. Maybe one day I will feel the weight lifted and not feel like I do every year at this time, but for now, this is how I feel.

Have any of you ever been cheated on and made it work??

What are your strategies to keep it going and not harbor the feelings?

I literally don’t even really think about it until January, and then it tapers off and I don’t think about it again until the next year.

We are all SUPERMOM

Earlier tonight as I was driving with slightly blurred vision and a pounding headache taking my oldest to Dance Class, I began thinking…..

Now, I already know motherhood is never ending and everyone talks about all the things we have to do, but seriously…. ALL THE THINGS we have to do….

No SICK days.  The LAST thing I wanted to do this evening was pack up the 4 kids AGAIN just to drop off the eldest at dance, not to mention the baby was in a horrible mood, and I was almost to the point of vomiting because my headache had become so excruciating, that I could barely keep my head up and eyes open.

Guess what though???  I carried a sleeping toddler back to the car, buckled in the screaming baby in his carseat, explained to the 6 year old that he had to get a shirt on to go outside and get in the car, and smiled at a very grateful 11 year old because I mustered up enough energy to do it and take her.

Motherhood is SO many things. It is sacrifice and selflessness, pride, joy, exhaustion, sadness, happiness, anger, confusion, love, excitement, fear, patience, etc…

It is the most wonderful gift to have, and yet so many take it for granted. We work non-stop as moms, whether it be carpooling to sports or activities, or school, a friend’s house, packing lunches, doctor visits, plays, teacher meetings. We go to work all day or stay at home all day ( either one is working all day) and all the things we do rarely get noticed.

Is anyone but us going to notice whether that plate in the sink got washed or not? Nope.

Is anyone but us going to notice the toilet paper roll needs to be changed? Nope.

Who remembers to sweep the floor? Are the kids going to care at the end of the day if there are crumbs under the table?

Is anyone going to care that the load of laundry you put in the washing machine YESTERDAY morning is STILL in the WASHING MACHINE and has to be rewashed, and then it may even be forgotten again because of all the hats we wear and ways we are pulled.

We are in a constant mind game within ourselves to be the best and do the best and make sure we have everything done at work and around the house and for our children with projects, sports, and activities…. ALL THAT WE DO…… and WE still don’t think we are good enough.

Ask your children if they are upset because the laundry wasn’t done or the floor wasn’t swept, or the dishes didn’t get put away from the dishwasher…… I bet they won’t even notice.

We hold our expectations for ourselves so high, yet our kids love us the same regardless.

I guess my point is this….Moms will load up all the children with a borderline migraine so that our oldest kid doesn’t miss dance class, and the kid that didn’t want to get dressed got dressed and has probably forgot he didn’t want to get dressed in the first place, the baby will stop crying because he will fall asleep on the way to the dance class, and the toddler that was napping, is still asleep, uninterrupted.

And YOU, MOM, you will get a little break because you are going to order pizza tonight instead of your stir fry, HEALTHY MEAL planned, because everyone deserves a break sometimes and whether you dirtied the kitchen and cooked the healthy meal or ordered the pizza so you could rest in the chair to get rid of your headache while the baby slept instead of screamed, all the kids are going to love you the same and STILL think you are the BEST and SUPERMOM.

Keep being SUPERMOM, ladies, because whether you think you are doing your best or not, you ARE! Nobody is perfect, but to our kids we are pretty darn close!!

 

A Teaching Moment in Positivity

I am TRYING! I truly am.

Everything in me wants to be a more positive person and see the little things as a promise for bigger things….

BUT….it is so difficult!

Is it supposed to be easy though?!?

Maybe we have struggles to truly appreciate the positive moments?

My now 11 year old daughter is at a point where she hasn’t quite grasped the concept of hygiene and that sort. She’s getting it, just not as much as she will…..

Her hair…. it’s fine and gets oily quickly, and my oh my…. the KNOTS….

I don’t understand how the knots accumulate. She got a new brush for Christmas and she’s been brushing her hair more than usual, but somehow it’s not getting the bottom layer of hair, which as a result is causing knots. I mean your “want to just cut them out” kind of knots.

In the midst of being the first day back to school in two weeks morning…. she asks me to brush her hair. She rarely asks so of course I say yes.

5 minutes into hair brushing, I’m only 1/3 done because of said knots. I made a comment. “This wasn’t in my plans this morning to spend 20 minutes on brushing hair.”

I’ve thought about it all day. I shouldn’t have said it. We spent 20 minutes together that we wouldn’t have, otherwise. I would have been in the kitchen getting breakfast and lunches ready and packing bags for work.

Instead, I got to spend 20 bonding minutes with my eldest, who may now never ask me to brush her hair again because she might think it’s an inconvenience.

I’m probably thinking too much into it, but that’s what’s been running through my head all day. Instead of me seeing the positive of spending time with her, I made a negative comment.

I have vowed to make myself better this year. All around better, so as a mom, friend, wife, neighbor, daughter, sister, etc.

This morning was one of those instances where I could have been better and I chose a different route.

Then, as I was getting my now 3 year old daughter out of the car to take into preschool, I found a “letter” from my oldest in an envelope addressed to “Mommy.”

I opened it when I got to work, and it says, “I don’t know what I’d do without you. You are the best mommy ever.” My heart melted, my face lit up, but tears filled my eyes.

If only I could see the positive like she does. No matter what is happening in her life, she always sees the positive and her her world, I’m the best mommy ever. It doesn’t matter how much I mess up, she still thinks of me as the best.

Maybe God gave me these children to see myself in a different light and so that I could see their truth and be positive for them and in turn for myself and others.

I really hope that I can see the teaching moment to myself in positivity during the next hair debacle, or whatever situation may arise, because though my children think I’m the best mommy ever, I want to show them how much better I can be.

Pray for me!

New Year, New Me

Who makes New Year’s Resolutions??

I have decided to stop this nonsense, considering not many people actually stick to or keep their resolutions.

I have decided that I will just work on me in general, and put my focus more towards my health and well being.

I have 4 children, and while I love them dearly and put all my time and effort into them, I have come to realize that if I’m not where I need to be, they won’t be where they need to be. A happier, healthier mom, makes for happier, healthier children? Right?? That is my mentality as of late.

So, maybe not a New Year’s Resolution, but more of a slow change to a better me. Easier said than done, when having to work, raise four children, two of which go to work with me, and I’m a nursing mom, so that’s more energy exerted, dance classes, guitar lessons, tumbling, school activities and clubs, a struggling business, keeping the house clean, maintaining relationships/friendships, trying to maintain a marriage that seems to be struggling more and more daily due to the strain of life………

I’ve got A LOT to work on. Maybe we will call this a … MOMalution…… a Resolution as a mom to be better in general for her children and herself so that everyone becomes better???

I may be rambling, but it is what it is.

I have found that I don’t necessarily know that I am very good at this blogging thing. I am good at writing what I’m thinking, but it’s what I’m thinking, and my brain constantly goes from one thing to the next, sometimes not even making sense to myself, so it’s hard to comprehend sometimes.

Growing up, I was told that I write like I talk, and that has always puzzled me, because why wouldn’t you write like you talk???

I guess the benefit of blogging is, in my opinion, there is really no right or wrong way of the style of writing that you do, because it is yours and your own and unique.

I realize there is probably a certain way to write if I wanted to make money doing this, and while that would be nice, I don’t anticipate that every happening.

I think I have rambled enough for one evening, but as of today, I will be working on my MOMalution, and trying to make myself better for my health and well being so that my kids can benefit from that.

Happy New Year!!!

Love & Loathe

How can I possibly love someone so much, yet loathe every ounce of their being?!?!

More to come later when I have time to go into detail, but I’m currently driving from taking my three oldest to school and I’ve got a baby with RSV to take home and snuggle!

Overthinking

The weather here has finally started to cool down a bit. It was so hot that we were still in shorts and tank tops, but luckily, I think it has finally turned Fall. Today, I am able to sit in the mommy line with the windows open and the car off, listening to the cars go by.

Another reason for the windows down is that I forgot that I needed gas, and I am afraid I will run out, so thank the good Lord that the weather is nice, because otherwise, I may be pushing this big bus around to all my stops.

It is so peaceful though…..the skies are blue and the clouds are beautiful. My car is absolutely silent, for right this minute anyways. The baby is sleeping and so is the toddler, and all I can do is think.

I tend to overthink everything and today is no exception. I went into the office today, and I found myself making list after list of what I needed to get done to catch up and finish my new office so that I can actually get in it.

I also overthink about silly things.

A few days ago, I decided that I would buy a few Mega Millions tickets. I NEVER play the lottery. It’s just not something that I’ve ever really done, but my mom was talking to me about it and said that it was over 600 million, so I decided, what the hell, so that began a thinking process of what I would do if I won…

It’s easy really. I would pay off all our debts, and I would help a lot of people. I would set up college funds for my kids and nephews, I would help out one of our good friends that is a widowed mom of three because she struggles, and I wish there was more that I could do to help her. I would start some kind of organization. I am not sure exactly what that organization would be, but considering my schooling background is in the child development field, I’m sure it would help children and their families somehow. When you have a large amount of money, many things are possible and that is what I began to think about. I even prayed last night that GOD would let me win. How silly is that? I even said to God I knew it was silly, but that I promised I would do good with it.

Well, I didn’t win and I’m not sure if anyone did, but I know that I didn’t. I can only pray and hope that if anyone did, they choose to use it wisely. I would love to help my parents and in laws and good friends and my church. I would love to be able to help certain people not have to worry about if food will be on their table or if they can afford to go buy their kids winter clothes.

I hate to see winners just choose to buy a big house and blow the money and then not even have anything to show for it.

Obviously, I am overthinking. I didn’t win. I’m not ever going to win, and all these dreams I have to help people are pointless to even think of, because i know it wont happen. I say all this because just once, it would be nice to be dealt a bit better hand than what we have in the past. No, money isn’t everything, but it does cause a lot of issues if you don’t have any.

Don’t get me wrong, we have been dealt some great hands in the past and I’m sure will be in the future as well, but when it comes to our livelihood(our business), it has been a struggle and continues to be a struggle. We have had help from parents to get bill paid and we are trying our best to stay afloat, and my husband remains positive and uplifting, all the while, I just feel like we are completely drowning. I am hoping once I can figure out a schedule and get back to the office on the regular, I can’t find some sort of floatation device to float on, because I’m just not seeing it right now.

My husband works so incredibly hard…I mean SO HARD and it is frustrating to see him work so hard just so we can pay employees and then we have to nickel and dime it to figure out how to pay for our house and our other bills.

It would be so much easier just to hit it big and win the lottery and be able to lift the burden of providing for us off of his shoulders.

For now, I will just sit here and enjoy this nice breeze, beautiful weather, and a temporary silent car and be grateful for all the blessings this life has given me.

OVERTHINKING……..

Pray for me.

In The Fast Lane

Do you ever feel like you just never stop?!?!

I haven’t blogged in a few days, due to a hurricane and life in general. The kids were out of school so life has been entertaining and interesting all while a bit overwhelming and difficult.

This morning on the way into my son’s school, I was walking him in and I realized how fast I was trying to walk. I was almost pulling him. Then I realized, I had been doing it all morning….rush, rush, rush!

My son looks at me with this huge amount of love when we get to the spot where I have to leave him to walk by himself, and I notice he doesn’t even realize how much I’m rushing. All he sees is that I am holding his hand to walk him in and he knows I will give him hugs and kisses and smile as he continues down the hallway.

I wake up in the morning before anyone else and then I rush to get myself ready and the 4 kids, and then before I know it, it’s time to get all in the car and leave. I’ve got 3 school to drop off at, and then I head into work until our toddler gets out of school. Let’s not talk about the construction that they are doing by her school…….

Instead of turning left into her school, I have to go down about 2 miles through construction and then do a U-turn to go back to her school. Today, the cones have been set up so that I had to do a partial U-turn, back and then continue on. I guess they don’t realize people have to actually fit through there. I understand they are just doing their job, but it truly is frustrating trying to get to my little one.

I finally get to the school and then head home. I got home long enough to swap out the laundry, cook us lunch, and get the baby out of his car seat. As soon as I was about to fix E’s plate, I got a phone call. My oldest’s teacher was calling to tell me that she was sick and wanted to come home. I quickly put the plate in the microwave and left the food on the stove, and began to try and explain to E that she wouldn’t be eating right this minute….we were going to let it cool and we would eat it when we got back. She, of course, threw a huge tantrum, because she didn’t get it. I’m sure it was mostly because she was tired and desperately needed a nap, nevertheless, there was a huge tantrum involved. Lucky for me, she went to sleep before we could even get to the school to pick up my oldest.

When I got there, I was flooded with memories of my childhood as my 4th grade teacher came walking through the office, along with another lady that was at the school when I was there, 20 years ago. My daughter’s class had been outside, so of course she took forever to get to me. By the time we got back home, I was able to shove my lunch down really quickly as I nursed the baby, then it was off we went again to sit here….in the Mommy Line. Again, I was rushing to get to the mommy line. This is literally the only time in the day I feel like I’m not rushing, once I’m here in this line.

Why do I do this to myself? Rush, rush, rush…..at least Monday is a pretty relaxed day once we actually get home. We don’t have anywhere we have to go. I was able to start dinner in the crockpot during the chaos of cooking lunch, so I don’t have to worry about that, unless you consider that bacon I have to cook to add to it, but I kind of enjoy that, because my house will smell wonderful.

Before we can go home, we must make a gas run so i don’t run out going everywhere, stop by the office again to pick up a deposit, go by the bank, get home and do homework, do dinner bath time, bedtime, and get prepared to do it all over again tomorrow.

Why do I say all of this? It’s more of a reflection for me to try and do better and not rush as much. The kids don’t see it and they have no worries because I am here to do all the worrying for them. They don’t feel rushed, not do they have any inclination to feel that way. Oh, to be a child and not have a care or worry.

I need to be more aware of my rushing. If I got up a bit earlier, maybe I wouldn’t feel like I had to rush. I did much better the beginning of the school year, because we got up about 20 minutes earlier, and while we still left at the same time as we do now, and we are ready now, the kids were able to sit down, watch a little tv, and just be a kid in the morning before having to really start their day.

I will do better and be up a bit earlier and maybe I can be more like my children and not feel rushed, and in turn, I am hoping it will make the day go much smoother and it will make for an overall better day.

Pray for Me!