Homeschool Work Mom

This past week has been challenging.

I imagine that in every house it has been a struggle to get things going and try to maintain somewhat of a “normal” schedule.

Or maybe, like some I know, the last week was treated as an early Spring Break, to kind of let the kids be, and sort things out as a mom/new homeschool parent.

Whatever your last week looked like, I know it wasn’t easy, and for the foreseeable future, it isn’t going to get any easier.

I’ve homeschooled before. I did one semester of 4th grade, and I honestly thought it was great. I had both of my daughters at work with me(we own our own business) and I was able to juggle the workload, the baby, and my 4th grader, while my son was at school (we chose not to do a semester with him because school was going well)

2 years later, things have changed a bit.

The kids were both doing well in school. I have a 6th and 2nd grader, and my daughter is in 1/2 day preschool, but lets add an extra kid in….the baby, who is borderline toddler and into EVERYTHING…..

My last week has been complete CHAOS.

Our business HAS to continue as normal, because it is our only source of income and we are in minimal contact with people, other than giving them a ticket, so Monday started “Business as Usual”…………. EXCEPT

Instead of 3 kids going to school, and me and little man heading to work, I headed to work WTIH 4 CHILDREN!

This is my normal in the Summer, so I am truly used to having all of them at work with me, so that’s not really the issue at hand. The issue is that I have to teach them, and I don’t mean “issue” like I don’t want to do it, because I DO, I mean it as, I’ve got to figure out how to balance running a business and teaching 3 children of completely different ages.

It’s not like I can sit them down and teach a solo lesson. 6th and 2nd grades are worlds apart in learning, especially when the 6th grader has ADHD and the 2nd grader “hates learning” and struggles in reading, so he needs the additional help.

Let’s not forget the independent preschooler who wants to learn. She LOVES school, so this is throwing her off BIG TIME.

Then I have the “baby.” He is literally into everything….

So in between trying to attempt to answer the phone, keeping the 6th grader focused, helping the 2nd grader read and comprehend, making up work so I can teach the preschooler, and rounding up the baby like he’s a baby cow at a Rodeo, I am a bit overwhelmed.

When Friday came around, I was relieved, and tired…..so tired.

The week was so long, yet so short. I don’t feel like I was as successful as what I should have been with schooling or work, or “MOM-ing.”

I am blessed that my oldest loves working, or at least she loves being in the office by herself, so the latter part of the week consisted of her going in and tending to the office and doing her schoolwork, because in her words “I’d rather do my work here in the quiet without my annoying brothers and sister.” This gave me a little extra time to get the other 3 ready and pack lunches for everyone. (6 lunches)

The phones are forwarded to me, so I’m still “working,” but it’s amazing what a load it does take off, when I don’t have to rush to have everyone ready, lunches packed, school supplies packed, and be out the door to be at work by a certain time before our regular driver gets there.

I just feel like I ran a marathon this past week though……an unsuccessful one. From work to coming home and still having to have a dinner ready and doing the housework, PLUS trying to be sure to stay out of public places, and constantly sanitizing and washing hands, and making sure we are being as cautious as possible.

Then, let us not forget the parents who think this thing is just going to pass over like the FLU….. I don’t even want to get started on that, because it’s just insanity, and makes me crazy. I am going to be the Bitch Daughter-in-law, because I wouldn’t allow the grandma to hug and kiss on the grandchildren……sorry, you had lots of church folks at your house on Wednesday, and even though you “know them,” you can’t seriously tell me that you can account for their whereabouts every single day of the week…..what if they aren’t being cautious. I’m not washing little hands and sanitizing everything 10 times a day, to get a virus from YOU because you chose to have people over that aren’t taking the precautions as seriously as I am.

I am not being a BITCH or UNREASONABLE. This is a LIFE and DEATH situation we are in. Two of 4 of my children have breathing issues if they get the common cold, so don’t you think for one second I am not taking this COVID-19 thing seriously, because if they get something  like this, there is not telling how it will end.

This week was rough. I experienced so many titles at one time, I thought my head was going to explode, BUT, WE SURVIVED……

We spent Saturday and Sunday sleeping in and listening to our church service. We had NO STRUCTURE whatsoever, and I think that’s okay.

We needed that, and while I aim to have somewhat structure this week, I can’t promise that. We will homeschool how we see fit.

We did get assignments from teachers, so we will be doing that, but in moderation and taking the whole day to get it done, with breaks in between.

I also ordered a Butterfly Garden, which I thought would be a neat Science lesson. It is suppposed to come with LIVE caterpillars, and they will eventually become butterflies, so prayers we can keep them alive better than we do fish, and we can see the marvelous wonder of going from a caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly.

I’ll be praying for all of you, as long as you promise to pray for me too, because we are really all in this together. This is uncharted territory for everyone, regardless of how we are doing it. Whether you are out of work completely, or working from home, trying to teach multiple children at one time, is tough. It will wear you out. So be sure to give yourself some slack, and know that you will get better at it, because I have a feeling it will be like this for a while.

God Bless, and PLEASE stay home if you can and WASH YOUR HANDS!

 

 

Middle of the Night Mom Thoughts

My husband had surgery 3 days ago…it was extensive ACL reconstruction surgery in his left knee….they constructed an ACL using part of his hamstring from his right leg, so he’s in a lot of pain.

While he is being a great patient, I’ve been sick… I was sick before the surgery…fever, cough, congestion, runny nose…all that.

The kids have been sick….

The big kids are fine and staying off with grandparents tonight.

I’ve finally got my know it all father in law out of my house, and of course my cough is now worse because I don’t have any help here, both little kids have fevers, and I’ve got 3 different alarms set to make sure my husband has his medicine on time.

My daughter is scratching constantly for some reason, and has decided to come get in the bed with me, and the baby is beet red because his fever is so high.

He refused to take Tylenol or any other medicine, so after trying to cool him down with a rag which he screamed at me for laying on him, I forcibly had to give him the Tylenol.

Of course this resulted in him gagging and drama that wasn’t necessary had he just taken the tasty grape goodness. I mean if he only knew what adults have to take, he’d be a bit more reasonable, possibly.

Meanwhile, I’m forcing this Tylenol down him, while I am coughing uncontrollably, and every time I cough I’m afraid of peeing a little.

I decide to get the baby a popsicle to help cool/calm him down, which leads to me pushing up a popsicle every 10 seconds praying that all the juice doesn’t end up all over my bed.

Meanwhile, every cough loosens my bladder, and inevitably leads to peeing a little, which results in having to walk away with the popsicle for 30 seconds which ends in baby screaming while I’m peeing, holding the popsicle, and it wakes the toddler who tries to comfort the screaming baby while the baby slaps her because he doesn’t want her consoling him, he just wants mommy and the popsicle.

Fastforward all of 5 minutes….we are on popsicle 2, toddler is back asleep, baby’s cheeks are still beet red, but fever is hopefully falling, the cough drop I’ve got doesn’t seem to be working, but I’m praying the medicine I took while I was obtaining popsicle #2 starts working and controls the cough that makes me pee a little.

Baby should be done with popsicle #2 in about 3-5 minutes, which will either bring in tears for yet another, or a satisfaction that results in going back to sleep, which will leave me in limbo for roughly 18 minutes when my alarm clock will be going off to get my husband his medicine and replace his ice in his ice machine and his cold pack from the freezer.

Praying this doesn’t wake the possible back to sleep baby so I can actually go back to sleep as well.

Pray for me!

Motherhood – Passing The Test

I constantly feel like I am FAILING at motherhood.

I feel like I constantly say No and I always “have to do this before I can play with you……”

I don’t want to worry about the house. I want to be in the moment and play the game or color, or build with play-do, but I feel the urge to do other things before I do that, and then by the time I have done what I “needed” to do, the kids are ready for bed or doing something else that they don’t “want” me for.

I feel like I am constantly on the go and that I am FAILING. I know I try my best, but do I really?

They HAVE to have clean clothes. I HAVE to make sure the dishes are done. I have to make sure the clothes are somewhat put away.

What am I getting at? I don’t know really. This is just the mindset I am in right now, but then again, am I failing?

My kids DO have clean clothes and plates to eat on. They love each other to no end, and even though they ask me to play, and I say “let me do this first,” they handle it with grace and move on doing it with another sibling.

Children are resilient.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I WANT to say YES to them asking me to do things, and I am really trying to do better, but everything else has to be done too.

My husband comes home from work and instead of helping me, he goes right upstairs to help build a fort, and I have to be the bad guy this weekend to say, “we are taking it down so you can clean your room.”

Maybe I’m pissed that he can just come home, no worries, and do what he wants with the kids. I feel like I carry the burden of EVERYTHING on me, when it comes to the children and the house and hell, even work sometimes.

He is an extremely hard worker. He is great at doing his job, but when it comes to home-life, he’s just mediocre. It’s frustrating.

I don’t want to have to pick up his candy wrappers and spit bottle off the coffee table AND the bedside table in the mornings, which I’m not even really sure how the one on the bedside table got there, because he slept on the couch more than half the night and the only reason he came to the bed is because I went and bitched that he was still on the couch and not in the bed. (we just got a new couch, because the other one was worn out because I think it was slept on way too much, so I have asked him to sleep in the bed, not on the couch.)

He claims that the couch sleeps better than the bed, but I think it’s just because he would rather watch tv and fall asleep on the couch than get off his ass to come to the bedroom. I mean, he literally walked right past our daughter on the couch asleep two nights ago, to actually go get in the bed. Why wouldn’t he take her to her room? It’s not like he’d have to exert that much energy. Her room is on the way to ours for crying out loud. Our 4 year old doesn’t need to be sleeping on the couch all by herself for the whole night, not in my opinion, at least. No worries, I carried her to her bed…..

Back to the kids, and not a husband rant. I constantly feel like I am failing them and myself, but maybe part of that is because I don’t get the support that I need and deserve from my husband. He expects certain things out of me during the day at work, and then when I expect certain things, he acts like it is an inconvenience to him.

Maybe that is where all these feelings are coming from? I look at my children though, and realize maybe this “failing” is all in my head.

Yes, they argue.

Yes, they are meaner to each other sometimes more than what I feel like they should be.

BUT,

They give piggy-back rides to and from the car when one doesn’t feel like putting their shoes on to go into the house.

My oldest son will play with Barbies just to appease his little sister.

My oldest daughter will grab the baby and play with him just so I can finish up dinner, or go to the bathroom by myself for a change.

The baby goes to his sister when she has hurt herself and rubs her face and gives her a hug.

They sneeze, and someone always says Bless You.

They cough, and someone always asks if they are okay.

When one falls, there’s another one there to pick them up and make sure they aren’t hurt.

They imagine together and talk about when they are older and their jobs and how they will have businesses near each other so they can be together frequently.

THIS….

This is when I know I am not failing them. I AM doing something right.

They love like no end and have the biggest hearts of any kids I know.

My oldest yells way too often, but most of the time it’s because she is acting on her motherly instincts and yells because she’s scared they may hurt themselves.

My oldest son can occasionally have a smart ass thing to say, but it’s because he thinks outside the box and has different ways of doing things, and he will always cover his tracks when he knows he’s said something smart assy, by giving a hug or kiss and explaining himself.

My youngest daughter is a free spirit and can sometimes be a little “witchy” but she will snuggle and tell you how much she loves me and will say the sweetest things.

The baby….not much of a baby anymore, but still……he hits too often, and has began biting on the occasion, but he will hug and love on you and make sure you are okay if it seems like you aren’t feeling so well.

These are the moments that I live for as a mom……not the fact that I wash the dishes instead of play, but the fact that they play and will pretend to wash the dishes so that they can be doing the same thing I am, even if I’m not.

They love each other immensely, and they had to learn that from somewhere, right?

They are perfect in every way.

Motherhood is like the test you study for, but when you sit down to take the test, everything you studied for isn’t on the test.

There are questions you didn’t study for and that you’ve never even heard of, but regardless you try your best.

I may not feel like I am acing this test, but based on my results of watching my children play when they don’t think I’m watching, I think I might be passing.

I Signed up for THIS.

I read things that will say how people put “fake” lives on Facebook and nothing is truly that perfect, which I agree with on the occasion, especially when I see one of my friends who complain CONSTANTLY about situations, then go posting how great everything is.

I’d like to think that I keep it real for the most part. I do use the occasional SnapChat Filter, only because I don’t always have the time or want to make the time to put makeup on, and I’ll use the filter that just makes my face look decent, not like a superstar.

Anyways, I have noticed for some time now that when I post a video rant or a post about a kid being sick or not feeling well, I get an

“I’m so sorry.”

or a

” Cherish these moments, because it won’t last forever.”

“It will get easier, Mama.”

Let’s get one thing straight…. while I half-hazardly appreciate the concern, there’s no concern here. NONE. I just want VALIDATION that this MOM thing ISN’T for the FAINT of HEART.

There is NO need for an APOLOGY about my kid being sick, or me being up all night and waking up in the middle of the night catching throw up in a towel and/or on myself from the baby.

I SIGNED UP FOR THIS!!!

This is MOTHERHOOD.  In all its glory.

The SAME people that complain that “your life is so perfect through Facebook,” are the ones who want to try and give the advice on how sorry they are and give you pity when things AREN’T going perfect, so WHAT DO YOU WANT??   My perfect “fake” life, or MY “I just got threw up on in the middle of the night life?

In my eyes, when you are saying, “oh, it will be okay mama. this is just a difficult time.” I KNOW THIS!   Again, I SIGNED UP FOR THIS.  I don’t need your SYMPATHY.

I am just trying to not so silently make my point that THIS IS WHY moms ONLY POST POSITIVE things, because they don’t want to hear APOLOGIES. We just want a “Hope they feel better soon.” or a “Let me know if you need anything.”

And trust me when I say, I don’t post because I want something. I just simply want to let people in on my life, because let’s face it……

If I run into you today, I’m going to be half-asleep, probably not in the best mood, because I was up half the night being puked on, and I may or may not be wearing a TIARA because my kids DARED me to since it’s my birthday……

So not only do I look half-asleep and cranky, but I will also be walking around looking like a Hungover Disney Princess.

I’m a HOT MESS…

BUT….

I SIGNED UP FOR THIS!!!

I knew there would be days of puke and poop and all nasty things, but I also know this job comes with SNUGGLES, and SLOPPY KISSES, and a LOVE that has NO END and NO Measure, no matter how wide these sweet kiddos spread their arms to tell me just HOW MUCH they love me.

I SIGNED UP FOR THIS, so

PLEASE

STOP with the apologies when everything ISN’T perfect!!!

Sometimes a mom just needs to vent to VALIDATE that what she is going through is NORMAL and KNOW that SHE ISN’T the only one up in the middle of the night getting puked on, or cleaning shit out of a bathtub.

So please, just let it be. Let the mom know, you know what she’s going through and she ISN’T ALONE.

Don’t offer an apology.

Again, She’s looking for VALIDATION, not SYMPATHY.

Offer another CRAZY story about YOU being up in the middle of the night, so that she TRULY knows she is not alone.

Motherhood is messy and emotional and one of the most stressful and amazing journeys I have ever been through and continue to go through, but in the end…..

I am SO glad that I SIGNED UP FOR THIS!

A Letter to My Earthly Demon

I could wish hate upon you.

I could wish misfortune and heartache.

I can think of a number of things I could wish upon you…… but here’s why I won’t.

You clearly have all those things in your heart already.

Someone so willing to be so heartless when someone is vulnerable proves that the things I could wish upon you, already exist.

Instead, I will PRAY for you.

As much as you seem to want us to hurt, I will indulge in the fact that I have a heart of Gold and I will rise above your words.

Nobody is perfect. I am far from it, but the love I have in my heart and the joy I am given each and every day by my family is absolute PERFECTION.

You may use fancy words and accusatory tones, but nothing can take away what I have with MY Family.

You, sir, I feel for. I’m sorry that you feel it necessary to threaten my family because you don’t have a stable one.

The fact that the only reason you have a relationship ship with your grandchild is because your wife is kind, should have been my additional red flag, among the other things.

Or the only reason your daughter calls is when she needs money and your other child doesn’t even speak to you.

I’ve always thought you were a miserable old man, and now it has truly come to fruition.

I don’t think you believe in God, but I DO and my family DOES, so we will stand together no how big the storm and we will PRAY.

Pray for your twisted mind and your cold heart, because that’s what we should do.

While you threaten us, we will rise and conquer because one of the many things we have that you don’t is TRUST in the Lord and knowing that the path he is leading us down is not meant to be an easy one and you sir are just a speed bump along the way!

Sincerely,

MaMa Bear

Pray for Me!

Busy Mom vs. Husband

Yesterday I went into work late….we own our business, so not a terribly big deal. Our oldest daughter likes to go in with my husband and “run the office” on days that I just need a little more time to get the other 3 ready to go out the door.

We just got back from vacation Sunday, so when it was time that I should be leaving, the baby was still asleep in the bed, because let’s face it…..NOTHING is better than being back in YOUR OWN BED…….   well my bed, because we “co-sleep,” but not really the point.

Anyways, I finally get to work, and it’s chaotic….4 kids, small office, phone ringing…..chaotic…

My husband is asking me all these questions, trying to figure out who hasn’t paid bills, because we need money in the account to pay employees, because while it was Monday, today is Tuesday, and that means, payday….

So, I am getting questions from everywhere, then realize we are out of receipt paper in our card machine, and we have a customer that was supposed to be coming to pay their bill that was paying with card, so I have to leave AGAIN….and of course by this time, it was lunchtime, so the kids needed to eat, so I couldn’t just run to Office Depot, I had to stop and grab lunch before heading back as well.

I got a text from my husband to stop and grab starting fluid….I ignored it, because the baby had just fallen asleep, I was already on the way back to the office, and I was just over taking orders for the day…whether it’s the husband or the children, I feel like that is all I am good for….taking orders and doing everyone’s bidding.

I finally get back to the office temporarily,  because it was Open House for the kids at their new school. We shove down our lunch very quickly, jump back in the car, then head to the school, for what I thought would be a relatively quick visit since the kids are in the same building this year….WRONG…..

Our daughter has 4 teachers/ 4 classrooms, so we had to visit them all….once we found them that is.

Then, after meeting my son’s 2nd grade teacher, he wanted to go visit his kindergarten teacher (he went to this school in kindergarten), but kindergarten is in a completely different building….

Did I tell you how we were “walking” through the school this whole time….. I have 4 children, and of course, my husband isn’t going to go with me, because that would be too convenient, so, I have a wagon….the baby was asleep initially, so kept him in the carseat and plopped in into the wagon, then had to BEG the 3 year old to stay in the wagon while we navigated through the PACKED hallways.

I pull the wagon back to the car, pack it all back up, and head to the kindergarten building so my son can say hey to his teacher.

We finally get done and head back to the office the grab the deposit for the day…meanwhile, my husband calls wanting to know where I am, because I guess I have been gone too long for his liking, but oh well….I’m trying to do the MOM thing. I explain to him that I am less than a mile away but I will NOT be staying, because I have the get to the bank before 5:00 and we have volleyball practice at OUR HOUSE at 6:00.

I am on the mend from vacation…my house wasn’t ready for visitors. While, we do keep them on the screened porch, I still have to have everything somewhat situated in case anyone needs to use the bathroom.

I drive up to the bank at 4:56, then get home around 5:15, knowing I have an extremely LIMITED amount of time to do everything I need/want to get done.

I needed to straighten living room, bathroom, kitchen, porch, and laundry room, as well as wash a bunch of dishes, and REALLY wanted to attempt getting dinner started or ready to be started….. I have planned to cook country style steak because my husband made the comment a couple weeks ago that I haven’t cooked that in over a year, so I wanted to surprise him.

My oldest helped with the living room, the bathroom had torn toilet paper all over the floor, from whom I can only guess was the baby got in there somehow the night before…. I washed what I could in dishes to make it look presentable, put a pot with the rice, water, and butter with the lid on, so I would just have to turn it on when practice was done. I mixed up the casserole and got it in a pan ready to be put in the oven when practice was over. I took out all the other supplies I needed to make the country style steak and the topping for the casserole. I had everything sitting out ready to go for when practice was over.

Then, I remembered that I needed to call my mom to come watch the other kids during practice, because I can never depend on my husband to be home in time to watch them. 5 minutes after I called, my husband shows up, and immediately asks if I’ve called my mom to come over and watch the kids. He goes to get in the shower, not even asking if there is anything he can do to help me.

Then, my parents get to the house….my dad is helping me coach, so that’s why he is there, and then my mom, obviously to watch the kids……BUT, as if I don’t have enough going on, my mom looks around and sighs, as if my house isn’t clean or good enough…I’ve had it at this point with everything. I tell her, I’ve got 4 kids, 5 if you include the husband, I’m trying to have a hot meal for them at a somewhat decent time, I’ve been working on school stuff since they start Wednesday, AND we just got back from vacation…I haven’t had time to do all the things that need to be done!

Then the girls start arriving for practice. Practice lasts all of 40 minutes due to the weather, which was almost time for me to regain my composure with the day’s events.

I immediately start on dinner, my husband goes and sits on the couch on his phone, and lifts not one finger. I tell him, I need him to keep the baby out of the kitchen, because I cook the country style steak in hot grease, so he did manage to come get the baby from under me. He asks me what I’m cooking, and immediately says, “you know we have leftover spaghetti. Why didn’t you just warm that up?” I was speechless to be honest with you, because yes, I could have warmed up spaghetti, but he complained about that last night, because I bought the kind with tomato chunks in it by accident, and he freaked out about that. I told him kindly, that I have the taco meat pre-cooked for Tuesday night because we have a volleyball game, and in hopes of winning Tuesday night, we will have a game on Wednesday night, and we would reheat the spaghetti then.

During dinner, which it was the best country style steak I have ever cooked….I proceed to ask him how everything is, and he responds with ” well, it’s been so long since you’ve cooked it, that I really don’t remember what it tastes like… But, you can cook. You have proved your worth.” Proved my worth? Are you freaking kidding me? I said nothing, because at this point, we were all sitting down as a family, and I didn’t want to start an argument.

He eats the majority of his plate, and says, “well, I need to go eat some TUMS.” You know, at this point the only thing positive out of his mouth, was that ” I have proved my worth,” and that wasn’t sitting well with me, so I don’t even know what to say or do.

After dinner, I was telling him what I needed to do in order to finish getting things ready for the kids first day of school, and he did offer to wash the dishes, but with the entails, him just washing what will fit in the other side of the sink, not finishing all the dishes, and I will be watching the baby, not doing anything that I need to be doing, so I told him that. I told him that I would wash the dishes, because I knew if I did it , it would be done, and not half way done like he likes to do it. He didn’t argue either. I guess maybe he does the half-way washing on purpose knowing it drives me crazy?? Who knows….I finish the dishes, wiping the counters, all that, and proceed to tell him that I have to go upstairs to get the kid’s school shirts done (they have to have uniforms, so I make their uniform t-shirts to save money, because mine look just like the ones you buy.) We just don’t advertise that I make them, because I don’t know that you aren’t supposed to, but I also don’t know if it’s okay.

I head up the stairs and the first thing he asks me is how many shirts to I have to do and what else do I have to do. I tell him I have 12 shirts already printed to press, and I wanted to go ahead and get our daughter’s school supplies monogrammed.  We are in the South….I will slap a monogram on anything possible, to include School Supplies.

I got 8 out of 12 shirts pressed and he kept asking me the entire time when I would be finished. He then asked what else I had to do, AGAIN……. When I told him I wanted to get her school supplies done, he asked “Do you have to do them tonight?”

In my mind…. PLEASE tell me when else I am going to do them? It was yesterday, so Monday, and they start school TOMORROW, Wednesday. We have a volleyball game tonight at 7, so by the time we get home, it will be at least 8:30, which is bedtime for the first night of school, and the baby will be getting fussy by this time, and I am at work all day today, after I had to take the oldest for her ADHD appointment….  When else will I have time to do it?

Guess what though??? The baby was crying, and he knows if the baby is crying, I am not going to continue to do what I am doing, so I design a few of the monograms that I was to print, and head downstairs to find him on his phone in one hand and holding the crying baby in the other, so with a little EFFORT, I’m sure he could have gotten the baby to sleep and gave me the opportunity to finish doing what I was doing.

Why am I telling y’all all this?? I honestly don’t know. I’m not really sure at this point that anyone even reads this but me……..

But, If you are out there? Is this just a man thing?? Or did I seriously get screwed in the husband category? I love him, I do, but this negativity that’s been going on, when I am truly trying to be a good wife, is getting out of hand. I mean, I go to a job every day that I DO NOT WANT to be at, because I know he NEEDS me there to do things, so that’s what I do. I go and do, and then when he comes home, he acts like I’ve been there all day, and haven’t been at work too…mind you WITH THE CHILDREN.

Why does he feel like it’s okay to be this way towards me, like he is some sort of God??  I just don’t get it. I am a full time mom and full time employee, at the SAME TIME, then I go home with said children and continue to do what I need to do there also. Am I just asking for too much, for him to be a joint partner with the kids and the house?? Is that even realistic? It’s not like I ask him to cook dinner, or anything like that. I don’t even ask him to do laundry. I simply want the trash taken out on the regular, and then the occasional assistance in keeping on top of things.

That’s not too much to ask is it? I mean, y’all, he spends most of his time ON HIS PHONE while I’m spending time with the kids or folding the laundry, and he sleeps on the couch and makes a mess like a college student and LEAVES it there in the mornings, for me to pick up. How hard is it to throw your spit bottle away, or your empty Mountain Dew can, or the Little Debbie wrappers, or put your late night either ice cream or cereal bowl in the sink?

Seriously y’all, PRAY FOR ME!!!

Food Addiction

I’m not a doctor, and I have no real statistics. This is just based on me and my personal choices and how I feel about the whole food addiction thing.

I’ve always thought it was a ridiculous accusation to have a good “addiction,”

I mean drugs, alcohol, those are addictions, but FOOD?!?

….well, the older I get, the more I see it and the more I’ve personally witnessed this addiction amongst myself and now trickling to my daughter.

I never thought of it as an addiction, but it IS.

I crave a sweet and will do anything in my power to eat a sweet before I will let the feeling pass.

It’s a mind game.

I will stand in my pantry with a bag of chips while my husband and kids aren’t nearby, and will shove down as many chips as I can while no one is watching.

OR

I’ll go in for seconds straight out of the pot while I’m supposed to be cleaning up the kitchen, just so I can eat more and satisfy whatever my mind is telling me I “need”

The only thing this seems to accomplish is me knowing I overindulged, being guilty I did it, and the scales not decreasing.

Then I will get on my daughter for doing the same thing I do. She just hasn’t figured out how to completely hide it yet.

So what do I do? I don’t want her to have the same struggles I have.. I’ve been on diet after diet, tried different things.

It hasn’t always been this way. I did Weight Watchers with my mom when I started 8th grade. It’s much easier when the food is being prepared for you.

Eating right and playing softball at the time dwindled me down to a size 5, and I still thought I was fat and not skinny enough.

Over the years I’ve tried Atkins, Keto, Paleo, Weight Watchers again, counting calories, standard diet/excercise, Slim Fast, different weight loss pills, hydroxycut, Medifast(Optavia)…..I’ve tried a lot.

They’ve all worked kind of in different ways, but nothing I have been able to stick to.

Optavia was my best success other than weight watchers during my younger years.

I lost around 30 pounds in about 2 months, then surprisingly found out I was pregnant.

My pregnancies must consist of a diabetic diet, due to gestational diabetes, so my eating stayed pretty consistent with what it had been, just no more Optavia.

I blew up! Now, I know you gain weight while pregnant, so I anticipated that, just not as much as what I did. I guess stopping Optavia “cold turkey” was a shock to my body and this last pregnant was the most weight I’ve ever gained during a pregnancy.

So my most healthy body pre-pregnancy inevitably ended with my heaviest weight post-pregnancy.

I told myself I’d do Optavia immediately after birth to get back to what I was, but the “Nursing Plan” just didn’t cut it. My milk supply was down and the baby was cranky, so that didn’t last very long.

Here we are a year later, and I’m still no where I want to be. I was at 213 when I went for my 6 week Post-pardum visit, and until about 3 months ago I’ve stayed at that weight.

I tried Optavia again, and I’m currently teetering between 199 and 201.

I’ve been at this for a week bc I can’t keep the eating down right, plus with everything financially we have been going through, I haven’t been able to order any more “fuelings.”

I’m at a point now though, where I’m not convinced Optavia is that great. I mean, yeah it gets you down to the weight you want if you stick to it, but what happens when you get down to your weight, and stop with the fuelings.

I’m not saying stop the habits you learn like eating lean and green and keeping carb count low, but stopping the fuelings.

I saw a post from one of the coaches and he made the comment that he looked forward to starting the 5 and 1 plan on Monday because he ate bread over the weekend and gained a couple pounds.

So eating bread one weekend make you gain multiple pounds, so you’re forced to go back in their plan?

Again, I’m not an expert, but unless you are a whole damn loaf of bread, I would think it would be okay.

I WANT to eat bread! Now, I’m not a huge bread eater anyways, but I love the occasional sandwich, so what do I do?

We’ve established I already have a good addiction, my daughter appears to be headed the same direction…. I want to eat sweets and bread and things that taste good.

I want my cake and want to eat it too! I get the saying now!

I’m discouraged. In my mind, i count carbs and count calories and think that I can do this plan but change it up as long as the calories are under a certain amount or the carbs are under a certain amount, but it’s EXHAUSTING!

I’m hoping to one day get a handle on all this and be able to report back. I just want to be healthy for myself and my children and not feel so insecure in my body. I am blessed with the children I have and my good health, but I want to be comfortable in my skin and be proud to walk out of my house in a fitted shirt and shorts and not worry about the shorts being so tight my belly is gonna hang over.

I’ll keep you updated.

Pray for me!