Struggles of Adulthood

In our business, it’s sand.

Everything is about sand…how we pay our employees, how we pay our bills….everything we do revolves around the selling and/or processing of sand.

In order to dig this sand, you are supposed to have a mining permit, which we do. We try to do everything right, but I still isn’t enough.

There are a lot of farmers in this area. They hear about a job needing a lot of sand/dirt, and they are all over it. They dig a new pond on their hundreds of acres and make $3 or $4 per ton off that big job, when we should have had it.

They don’t have mining permits, but they have the equipment and the material, so they do it to make 100,000, or however much that particular job is for.

It KILLS our business.

We have employees that need to be paid, taxes, bills, insurance, OURSELVES.

I’m at a point where money that is owed to us isn’t coming in…the money that is supposed to be coming in isn’t enough to cover our expenses, and I’m wondering if we should even keep our doors open.

We are in our third year of business. Should it really still be like this?!?!

Something has to change, but what? I am trying to bid for jobs so that we can at least keep things running, but AGAIN, a farmer could swoop in and decide to “dig a pond” at any given moment, yielding ample amounts of sand for a big job.

I put money aside to make our house payment, but before I could make it, I needed gas in my vehicle and that was the only money we had to our name, so I got gas, then we needed groceries, so I spent as little as possible by making an exact list and meal planning.

THEN, I come home Monday, and our WATER has been turned OFF!

Apparently, the bill didn’t get paid, so there goes another $200 from the “pay our house payment fund.”

All I can hope for at this point is a big job to come through and actually pay for their material and PATIENCE.

I have not been as obedient as I should be as far as a Christian goes. We moved a year ago to be closer to our business and family, and our church is in our old town. We don’t go as often and we aren’t as involved and I really feel it has taken a toll on us. We aren’t praying enough or serving enough, and not only do I feel like it’s taken a toll on us spiritually, but emotionally as well.

I feel a disconnect that I don’t want to feel and I yearn to get that connection back.

So then it comes to question, do we find a church here that we can call “home.”

It took us YEARS to find a church that immediately made us feel welcome and comfortable and like family, and the thought of not being a part of that is heart-wrenching.

….Adulthood is so difficult….. what it would be like to be a child again? Worry free and relying on the constant of your parents navigating of your every move, being your guidance and confidant….your source of income…no bills, no stress……

Why as children do we want to become adults so quickly?!?!?

As I sit and ponder the direction of our business, I am having such anxiety. This is our living! Sand allowed us to buy our house and our vehicles and our groceries, but it’s also our decisions and business that have put us in severe uncertainty and debt.

The fact of not knowing if and when jobs will come is extremely frightening! Our 4 children depend on us to be that constant that we so long for and miss from our childhood.

Pray that we get the direction we need and figure out where this path of life and adulthood is leading us. We have a lot of people depending on us.

Maybe with constant prayer and laying it all out, we will understand the direction we need to be going.

Grammar

This is a serious pet peeve of mine. The world has come to all texts and shortened abbreviations and no one cares about their grammar…….you see what I did there….. I used their, as in possessive (their grammar)  and there, like over there.

I see so many Facebook posts with grammatical errors and no one says anything. Now, I know it’s not the nicest thing to correct someone when they are making a post, but boy do I want to SO bad.

Here are some examples and tell me if I am wrong…..

I want go to Walmart on Sunday afternoon because it’s busy.

want….should be won’t. How hard is it to change a letter and add an apostrophe?

Were going to the store.

Again ADD a flippin’ apostrophe!  We’re going to the store, or better yet, just type your words out. We are going to the store.

There are so many examples, and I am not sure why it drives me so crazy but it does!!

There, their, and they’re

The toy is over there.

Their toy is ruined.

They’re going to the store for a new toy.

Want & won’t

I want to go to the store.

I won’t go to the store.  You use this in place of will not.

Y’all it really isn’t that difficult, and I guess people just don’t care. I know there are more that I see on a daily basis and it drives me up the wall.

Is it laziness? Is it they truly don’t know?  What is it? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? I feel like our teachers work their asses off to teach us these things and then we just throw it all away because we either don’t care, or we weren’t paying any attention.

When you make these mistakes in writing, to be sure it will be relayed into your professional life as well? Do businesses not care what type of grammar mistakes you make?

When we were looking for office help, that was one of the first things I did. I made sure the applicants used proper grammar with certain words, as this person would be sending professional emails for me and I want it to be just that…professional.

I am not saying I majored in English, and I don’t make mistakes in my writings, because I am sure I do, but COME ON, these words y’all are using change the complete meaning of the word. For me, it makes it difficult to read when all I can do is think of the word you have used and the word that should have been used.

So, let’s continue.

Were & We’re

Were you going to the store today?

We’re going to the store today.

My mind of course has gone blank in thinking of more words that are used incorrectly, but YOU TELL ME.

What are your pet peeves?

Do you despise grammatical errors? Can you not stand when people add an s to the end of a word….

Sonics, mines, etc…

Let me know! I’m curious to see other’s thoughts!!

 

 

So Over It

I’m SO OVER IT.

EVERYTHING.

OVER EVERYTHING.

I say this and will continue to keep going and try and enjoy the little bright moments that my family gives to me, but for RIGHT THIS SECOND, I’m over it. I want a vacation by MYSELF away from it ALL…. Children, husband, any sort of RESPONSIBILITY or any event that requires me to be somewhere at a SPECIFIC time.

I say all this knowing it will never happen, because the whole time I would be away, I would be thinking of and missing my sweet babies and having anxiety about what they are doing while I’m gone and if everything is okay, so here I sit…

……..NO MOM-cation, no serenity, no quiet, no time to think things without an interruption……..

Today, I sit at WORK, with my toddler crying to the point of gasping because I took her Ipad away, the baby is teething so he’s fussy, and a husband who is at his whit’s end at with the business.

I am expected to be his rock ALL the time, but when I need something, I can’t even come to him because he has all these questions and wants to know why I feel that way, then he will send a sweet text saying how great of a mom I am like I’m going to fawn all over it.

DUDE, I KNOW I’m a good mom, can YOU be a BETTER DAD and HUSBAND?!?!?

I don’t want this to come off like I don’t appreciate his work, because I do. I am there for the most part EVERY DAY with him and know how hard he works, and when I say hard work, I don’t mean just long hours, I mean PHYSICAL, MUSCLE draining LABOR….. He WORKS incredibly hard, BUT….

So do I…….  I am the one who gets the four kids up and ready in the morning times, and I’m still expected to be at the office as soon as I can so that I can fulfill the obligations there. I have to go at least 2 schools every morning and 2 days a week, I go to 3 to drop kids off. Then, I have to haul 15 minutes down the road to get to the office at a decent time. Occasionally, I have a doctor appointment for one of the kids, so I drop off, run to the doctor, drop off by school, then head to work.  It’s a lot and it become overwhelming….not so much the dropping off and appointments, but the getting ready every morning and doing it BY MYSELF, and then having to stare at the house from the night before that looks like wild animals live there, and there is nothing I can do about it because I’m rushing around like a maniac trying to get all the kids together, fed, lunches packed, shoes on, coats on, bows in, and so I just stare at the mess.

It is a daunting thing to stare at. I have all intentions of starting the washing machine and swapping the laundry, but it just doesn’t happen. The mornings I think I will have time, I end up forgetting someone didn’t finish their homework, or I didn’t sign a permission form, or I can’t find a kid’s shoes or my keys…..it’s always something.

I just want some help too. I am expected to be at work and “help” and I want help at MY place of business (home) Is that too much to ask?!? I mean I am really growing somewhat of a resentment towards my husband because he gets to go to work WITHOUT children. He gets up in the morning and gets HIMSELF dressed, and head out the door all within 20 minutes, nothing hindering him. He gets to drive in silence on the way to work without kids yelling at each other about who touched who or where their jacket is because they are cold….. He gets to actually DO HIS work while he is at work….I have to figure out how to answer a phone and it sound professional with a screaming baby on the other end.

Then I try and put it into perspective that this is only a glimpse in time. One day they will be grown, and while I know that is true, the present is NOW, and right NOW I am supposed to keep it ALL together, the office, the house, the kids, MYSELF, the schedules, and it just doesn’t seem to be happening………

I mean my husband agreed to be in a wedding the same day as our girls’ dance recitals. It is both of their FIRSTS and he has told this guy, who we haven’t hung out with in at least 10 years that he would be in his wedding, INSTEAD of going to the recital, and then the Bachelor Party he tells me is ON OUR ANNIVERSARY weekend….. what kind of shit is that?!?!?   First, I am supposed to go to a CLOSE friends’ wedding this same weekend, but tell them we can’t once we get the recital date, THEN he gets asked to be in THIS wedding, the SAME weekend, and says YES, KNOWING we aren’t going to the other one because of the recital…….THEN he wants to go to the Bachelor Party on our ANNIVERSARY weekend!?!?!?!?!

I’m at a loss.

As you can tell, today has been a rough one, and while I do love my husband, or at least I think I do, I get so frustrated at what little he does to help us in the present. He keeps saying business is going to get better, and it HAS, but he works a lot of hours now, but he wants credit for working these hours, because it’s PLASTERED on Facebook. It was to the point this morning, that I almost “checked in” at “motherhood” and said some stuff just to try and prove a point, because let’s face it, moms are ALWAYS “checked in” to motherhood. It’s not something we get up and get ready for….We are just there… ALL THE TIME…

I am hoping and praying I get through the rest of this day and tomorrow’s hopeful post is much more positive and uplifting, but today is Thursday, and that means, getting home at 3:45 from all my school pick ups, having to get dinner started and toddler dressed for tumbling at 4:30, getting back from tumbling around 5:30 and have the two big kids’ soccer practices at 6:00 and 7:00……. Somewhere in between we will have Homework, dinner eaten in shifts, baths, bedtime, and MAYBE a “mommy drink” to keep my sanity.

 

Pray for ME.

The Parenting Handbook

The joke is on us as parents. There is NO Handbook that tells us how to DEAL.

I mean there are handbooks for EVERYTHING, but not THIS. There is no book that can tell you how to properly deal with every situation that you will face as a parent, or every EMOTION that YOU as the PARENT will go through when seeing your child hurt or happy, or anything.

This parenting thing is HARD!

I posted a few weeks ago about finding out our daughter had SCABIES. This was the most off the wall thing I could have ever though possible for my daughter, but there it was…..the cream, the pamphlet, the screaming when the cream was put on because it burned so bad because the itching she had been doing caused open wounds……the CONSTANT itching, that makes YOU feel like you want to itch until you feel NOTHING.

We treated her and my oldest son. We washed all the bedding in the entire house, did everything we were supposed to do…… my son seems fine, but our daughter was STILL itching…. then…. the BABY….he is itchy and has spots….the doctor originally said it appeared to be dry skin, and that she didn’t think it was SCABIES, but then he got a spot on his hand that looked like an ant bite, but larger. I told the doctor and she said, let’s treat him for Scabies just to be on the safe side, so with the second tube of ointment, we treated the baby, and myself.

Since this, we have given our oldest a second treatment, because she was STILL ITCHING, and this time it seems to have worked for her, but now my 3 year old, the baby, and myself are itching.

When will it END?!?!?  Again, I say, there are NO HANDBOOKS for this kind of thing. I am literally WASHING BEDDING DAILY to try and rid ourselves of this thing. We have steamed/vaccummed the floors, the couch, the mattresses, the pillows…… I am exhausted. All this laundering has left the house a mess, because all of our attention has been on the bedding and furniture, so NOT ONLY am I ITCHY, but I’m going CRAZY because my house is a MESS!!!

Then, let’s talk about the fact that up until about 3 weeks ago, but 11 year old was still in pull-ups. We have been to a Urologist, tried medications, tried waking her up during the night, EVERYTHING, and NOTHING has been working. About 3 weeks ago, she waited until about 9:00 at night to tell me she was out of pull-ups and I simply said, I’m not buying them anymore. You’ve got to figure it out. It may seem HARSH, but it truly had gotten to a point of what I feel is a dependence on the pull up and she was using her “hard sleeping” as an excuse. She’s never been to a sleepover because it’s embarrassing, and she’s never been to a camp or anything of that nature because of this. She is truly MISSING OUT.

Again, NO HANDBOOK for how to deal with these situations. For inquiring minds……the first night without the pullups, my husband woke her up to go to the bathroom one time, and she woke up DRY!!!  It was like a miracle, because we have TRIED ALL THIS before. 2nd night, DRY, 3rd night, DRY, 4th night, DRY……  In 3 weeks, we have had ONE accident.

Then COMES the RINGER……..  YESTERDAY……..

My daughter gets in the car from school and says, “mom, I tried calling you like 20 times today and you didn’t answer.” So of course I respond as if something is terribly wrong. She hands me the folded up blue piece of paper and says,

“Here, I can’t tell you, JUST READ IT.”

note

“OMG, I said.” She says, “yeah, I tried calling you and the office, and your mom and her office, and I even called daddy and was going to ask for you if he answered, but no one answered.”

……..this is what being a mom is…..I want to be there for my child for things like THIS, and I didn’t answer the PHONE. Granted, I didn’t have any missed calls from her either. I don’t know what happened for them not to go through, but none of us had missed calls from her, and she said she called MULTIPLE times.

MOM FAIL!!!

Seriously y’all, there is NO HANDBOOK for all this. No one tells you how much of an emotional roller coaster parenting is, or how much you can love a little person who has the attitude of their father and the looks of you. It is unbelievable the amount of emotions running through me yesterday when I read this little blue piece of paper.

So what now?!? The school nurse talked her through her first time, because the call didn’t come through to my phone…My daughter restored my faith in parenting though when I asked her if she freaked out and her response was, “well, I did at first, but you pretty much prepared me that it was going to come at some point, I just didn’t think it would be today.”  …. We don’t ever expect it sweet girl…..

There’s more about this whole handbook thing that I want to discuss at some point, but I don’t know that it will be today. I just wanted to give my thoughts as to there is NO HANDBOOK. I guess if there were, it would still leave out the little details, because as you all know, everyone is different, and we all parent in our own ways and have different relationships with our children.

I have just been drowning the last month or so with all this sickness and rashes and now this. We get her out of pull-ups and now we have a “woman” on our hands……. although she may think she’s a “woman,” I informed her this morning that she is and will always be my baby and she better not forget that.

Maybe I will write my own book, as a “guide” for my daughters when they have children one day that would at least give them some laughs and enlightenment as to what they can look forward to as MOMS.

Pray for Me.

 

I am a Joke

I am an absolute joke.

I don’t know what I have done or not done for it to get like this but something has to be done.

There children are walking ALL over me!

There are clothes all over the floor and trash tossed about in random places, dishes on the table from dinner….

Legos on the bathroom floor and HAIR CHALK remnants are all over the upstairs bathroom….fingernail polish on the bathroom counters

and clean, folded, well, been stepped on folded, on the floor….

Homework wasn’t done last night, pajamas are throw in the couch from this morning, attitudes are already flaring…..

And the only one that seems to notice all these things are ME.

My husband obviously caught on to the bitching because the 2 bags of trash that have been sitting by the pantry for THREE days was finally taken out…he’s got ONE job!!!

Why do I fold the clothes if they aren’t going to put them up?

Why do I ask to put your plate in the sink or clothes in the laundry room, if it’s not going to get done?!?!

I am a joke to them. I might as well talk to myself, which I already do half the time so I can get it out of my system without yelling at someone about whatever….

It stops TODAY!! I’ve got to start standing up for my HOUSE and my RULES and MYSELF.

I informed the kids this morning that they would be sitting on the couch this afternoon doing nothing until the house was cleaned and yes, I’m going to do it, bc it needs to be done the correct way and not everything thrown under beds or shoved in closets.

I told them no TV, no IPADS, NOTHING until everything was done.

I even told them NO WHINING! (I’m sure that won’t last)

This all stemmed from the fact that I’ve cleaned the living room 4 times this week, walked in there and immediately saw a chip bag, fruit snack wrapper, sticker on the floor, pajamas on the couch, another kids clothes on the floor, toys in random spots(toys are supposed to be upstairs) 3 plastic cups in the coffee table, lego pieces scattered…. (remember I have a 9 month old who loves putting small pieces of anything and everything in his mouth!

I am being overrun by my kids, spouse, and my house and I’m sick of it. Change starts today!!!

Pray for Me.

Life isn’t a Hallmark Movie

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a good Hallmark movie, but it’s the same thing over and over again (again, I still sit on my couch and watch them over and over like a broken record)

Why though? Life isn’t like these movies, not that I expect them to be, but for once, it would be nice to feel the real ness of what a complicated life really is like.

The movies are always boy meets girl in a small town, they fall in love and something always happens….

Your recent ex tracks you down and confesses his love all the while interfering with the new or rekindled love that you’ve found in said small town….

Or your business is failing, you fall in love with the local who happens to be wealthy and your business all of a sudden is thriving and making it while the day before you were preparing to close the doors….

Again, I love these movies, but oh how life is NOT a Hallmark Movie!

Maybe that’s Hallmark’s goal…to let you incision what could potentially be, MAYBE, or to just get you out of your world for 2 hours and engrossed in a life you only dream of.

What I can say is, there aren’t Hallmark movies about a couple who has been together since high school….no, they didn’t drift apart and meet back after all these years in their small town…. they haven’t faced a divorce and come back to their hometown, or dealt with a spouse death…… they’ve stuck it out TOGETHER all these years, and come back to their hometown…. with their FOUR kids….

They’ve been through two military deployments, high school and college graduations, death of grandparents, death of friends while overseas that they couldn’t save, a separation that almost ended in divorce, but through some almighty power, they MADE it.

Then again they were almost torn apart due to an affair that ended up making them stronger.

They’ve dealt with loss of friendships, financial hardships, the death of a child, and a business that just seems to keep afloat, BARELY, regardless of all the time and love and work that’s been put into it.

A wife who is self diagnosed as struggling with PPD, but not sure if it’s just depression from moving away from all her friends and a town she’s known for the last 13 years, but trying to keep it together between dance and tumbling and volleyball, and soccer, and guitar lessons.

A husband who gave up is law enforcement career to try and better his family and works his ass off every second of the day and it’s still a struggle to keep food on the table.

A couple who has defied all the odds against them and still love each other, and try their best to BE the best for their 4 kids who adore them.

A mom who is really trying to keep it together every second of every day despite the fact she feels like she’s drowning in a sea of bills, laundry, dishes, diapers, baths, and being a personal milk factory.

THAT should be a Hallmark Movie.

The inevitable triumphs despite all the road blocks that keep popping up at every turn. Maybe it would take you to an alternate universe like Hallmarks movies seem to make me do, but it would give a different perspective as to anything and any obstacle has the capability of being overcome.

Pray for me!

Four Years Ago YESTERDAY

Four years ago yesterday, I was in labor all day and didn’t know it.

Four years ago yesterday, I sat in the waiting room at the doctor’s office with cramping and a false positive on my water breaking while I waited to go into an ultrasound.

Four years ago yesterday, I saw our baby girl moving on a monitor with her heart beating and was told everything would be OK.

Four years ago yesterday, we would go grocery shopping in an attempt to forget that I was cramping.

Four years ago yesterday, I would come home cook dinner and my dad came to visit because we were getting the nursery and the other kids’ rooms ready for the arrival of our baby in a few months.

Four years ago yesterday, after dinner the cramping continued and worsened and for some reason I decided to start timing it.

Four years ago yesterday, I sat in my living room timing my cramps that were two minutes apart and I knew something wasn’t right.

Four years ago yesterday, I called the midwife multiple times asking about the pain I was in and telling her that they were consistently coming a couple minutes apart.

Four years ago yesterday, I was assured that my doctor’s visit showed nothing was wrong and that I should lay down and relax because it was most likely Braxton Hicks contractions.

Four years ago yesterday, as I laid on my side trying to relax I felt a pop as if a balloon had popped inside of me and I knew my water had just broken.

Four years ago yesterday, I jumped up from the bed and went to the bathroom and knew she was coming way too soon.

Four years ago yesterday, I cried in agony knowing we had to go to the hospital but not wanting to.

Four years ago yesterday, my dad who lives an hour away happened to be at our house… talk about right place right time, unfortunately.

Four years ago yesterday, my husband and I sped in the car on the way to the hospital, getting pulled over along away just to be let go when we told him the situation.

Four years ago yesterday, I got to the hospital and immediately went back and all the midwife could say was she was sorry this was happening.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor came in and wanted to look at the baby on an ultrasound machine.

Four years ago yesterday, we watched our little baby kick and turned and her heart was beating a perfect rate just to be told she would be coming and there was nothing we could do about it.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor did give us a glimmer of hope when he said if it’s not real labor you’ll just be on bedrest for two months until she’s ready.

Four years ago yesterday, I knew from the bottom of my heart that I was in labor, although I’d be willing to lay in a bed as long as I needed in order to keep my baby.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor wanted to see if I was in actual labor by checking my cervix.

Four years ago yesterday, the doctor made a face and told my husband to look.

Four years ago yesterday, the umbilical cord was already hanging out of my cervix.

Four years ago TODAY, the doctor said that since her heartbeat was so strong she could possibly be born alive.

Four years ago today, my husband and I did something we never thought we’d have to do.

Four years ago today, we wished that our daughter wouldn’t be born alive because we knew she wouldn’t survive and we didn’t want her to suffer.

Four years ago today, I had to pee and I was afraid to, because I knew what would happen with the pressure.

Four years ago today, I went to the bathroom and our daughter was born in the white plastic thing you catch urine in.

Four years ago today, I gave birth to this bright pink, perfect little baby and there was nothing I could do to save her.

Four years ago today, we held her in our arms and counted her 10 fingers and 10 toes and saw the hair that was beginning to grow.

Four years ago today, we held our perfect baby and cried in disbelief at what just happened.

Four years ago today, my husband and I vowed to not blame each other for the circumstances we were facing.

Four years ago today, my husband and I made a promise to be strong for one another because we knew this was going to bring out a lot of emotions.

Four years ago today, we knew we were destined to have another baby.

Four years ago today, we prayed more than we had prayed in our entire marriage.

Four years ago today, we had to leave the hospital with our baby in a little box and not in a car seat or in my womb.

Four years ago today, we took our baby home.

Four years ago today, our oldest got to meet her sister and hold her.

Four years ago today, we had to take our baby girl to the funeral home.

Four years ago today, I was numb with any kind of emotion and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about the funeral service for my baby when 24 hours prior she was alive in my belly.

Four years ago today, we were lost and broken and didn’t know how we’d move forward.

For years ago YESTERDAY, our lives were changed forever, and TODAY we will celebrate with love and tears and prayer and cake for our sweet girl’s 4th Birthday.

Another day I will tell more of our story as to how we’ve moved forward, and what a journey it has been. Our sweet baby wasn’t with us for long, but the impact she played on our lives has remained evident in all the things we do.

Pray for Me!!!