So Over It

I’m SO OVER IT.

EVERYTHING.

OVER EVERYTHING.

I say this and will continue to keep going and try and enjoy the little bright moments that my family gives to me, but for RIGHT THIS SECOND, I’m over it. I want a vacation by MYSELF away from it ALL…. Children, husband, any sort of RESPONSIBILITY or any event that requires me to be somewhere at a SPECIFIC time.

I say all this knowing it will never happen, because the whole time I would be away, I would be thinking of and missing my sweet babies and having anxiety about what they are doing while I’m gone and if everything is okay, so here I sit…

……..NO MOM-cation, no serenity, no quiet, no time to think things without an interruption……..

Today, I sit at WORK, with my toddler crying to the point of gasping because I took her Ipad away, the baby is teething so he’s fussy, and a husband who is at his whit’s end at with the business.

I am expected to be his rock ALL the time, but when I need something, I can’t even come to him because he has all these questions and wants to know why I feel that way, then he will send a sweet text saying how great of a mom I am like I’m going to fawn all over it.

DUDE, I KNOW I’m a good mom, can YOU be a BETTER DAD and HUSBAND?!?!?

I don’t want this to come off like I don’t appreciate his work, because I do. I am there for the most part EVERY DAY with him and know how hard he works, and when I say hard work, I don’t mean just long hours, I mean PHYSICAL, MUSCLE draining LABOR….. He WORKS incredibly hard, BUT….

So do I…….  I am the one who gets the four kids up and ready in the morning times, and I’m still expected to be at the office as soon as I can so that I can fulfill the obligations there. I have to go at least 2 schools every morning and 2 days a week, I go to 3 to drop kids off. Then, I have to haul 15 minutes down the road to get to the office at a decent time. Occasionally, I have a doctor appointment for one of the kids, so I drop off, run to the doctor, drop off by school, then head to work.  It’s a lot and it become overwhelming….not so much the dropping off and appointments, but the getting ready every morning and doing it BY MYSELF, and then having to stare at the house from the night before that looks like wild animals live there, and there is nothing I can do about it because I’m rushing around like a maniac trying to get all the kids together, fed, lunches packed, shoes on, coats on, bows in, and so I just stare at the mess.

It is a daunting thing to stare at. I have all intentions of starting the washing machine and swapping the laundry, but it just doesn’t happen. The mornings I think I will have time, I end up forgetting someone didn’t finish their homework, or I didn’t sign a permission form, or I can’t find a kid’s shoes or my keys…..it’s always something.

I just want some help too. I am expected to be at work and “help” and I want help at MY place of business (home) Is that too much to ask?!? I mean I am really growing somewhat of a resentment towards my husband because he gets to go to work WITHOUT children. He gets up in the morning and gets HIMSELF dressed, and head out the door all within 20 minutes, nothing hindering him. He gets to drive in silence on the way to work without kids yelling at each other about who touched who or where their jacket is because they are cold….. He gets to actually DO HIS work while he is at work….I have to figure out how to answer a phone and it sound professional with a screaming baby on the other end.

Then I try and put it into perspective that this is only a glimpse in time. One day they will be grown, and while I know that is true, the present is NOW, and right NOW I am supposed to keep it ALL together, the office, the house, the kids, MYSELF, the schedules, and it just doesn’t seem to be happening………

I mean my husband agreed to be in a wedding the same day as our girls’ dance recitals. It is both of their FIRSTS and he has told this guy, who we haven’t hung out with in at least 10 years that he would be in his wedding, INSTEAD of going to the recital, and then the Bachelor Party he tells me is ON OUR ANNIVERSARY weekend….. what kind of shit is that?!?!?   First, I am supposed to go to a CLOSE friends’ wedding this same weekend, but tell them we can’t once we get the recital date, THEN he gets asked to be in THIS wedding, the SAME weekend, and says YES, KNOWING we aren’t going to the other one because of the recital…….THEN he wants to go to the Bachelor Party on our ANNIVERSARY weekend!?!?!?!?!

I’m at a loss.

As you can tell, today has been a rough one, and while I do love my husband, or at least I think I do, I get so frustrated at what little he does to help us in the present. He keeps saying business is going to get better, and it HAS, but he works a lot of hours now, but he wants credit for working these hours, because it’s PLASTERED on Facebook. It was to the point this morning, that I almost “checked in” at “motherhood” and said some stuff just to try and prove a point, because let’s face it, moms are ALWAYS “checked in” to motherhood. It’s not something we get up and get ready for….We are just there… ALL THE TIME…

I am hoping and praying I get through the rest of this day and tomorrow’s hopeful post is much more positive and uplifting, but today is Thursday, and that means, getting home at 3:45 from all my school pick ups, having to get dinner started and toddler dressed for tumbling at 4:30, getting back from tumbling around 5:30 and have the two big kids’ soccer practices at 6:00 and 7:00……. Somewhere in between we will have Homework, dinner eaten in shifts, baths, bedtime, and MAYBE a “mommy drink” to keep my sanity.

 

Pray for ME.