Anxiety

I just sent my oldest two off to a college football game with my dad.  I should be jumping through the roof because I’m down to two kids, but instead I am sitting here praying they make it there okay and have a good time.  Anxiety is no joke.  I ponder every scenario and worry the entire time they are gone until they get home back in my arms.

I worry about an asthma attack, as my son has asthma, or a car wreck, or anything really.  I feel like I am being so negative, because I know they will have a great time and I hope they will both get home in one piece, but you just never know, and I think the fear of not knowing and not being in control really gets to me.

I never really had this anxiety until we lost our baby around 20 weeks.  Ever since we lost her, I obsess and worry about everything.  I don’t like them going places where I don’t take them and even when I do take them, I worry the entire time.  I don’t let my worry affect them, because I want their childhood to be fun and memorable, not in the sense that they remember me worrying their entire childhood.

I literally worry about everything. I try to let it go and keep my mind busy with other things, but it is constantly in the back of my mind anything and everything that could possibly happen, that I don’t have control over.  I need to put my worries with God, but it is so difficult when my anxiety seems to take over every ounce of anything else I have going on.

I also have anxiety over our business.  Not having a set income like a regular job is so stressful, and put on top of that, people don’t pay their invoices like they need to, and our main source of income had to be replaced and was down for a couple months.  It is truly a recipe for an anxiety attack.  I’m not really sure what an anxiety attack feels or looks like, but I’m pretty sure I am on the verge of one.  Bills are piling up, money isn’t coming in, employees have to be paid, we have a huge job coming up and we don’t know if we can meet the demand, but we desperately need the job to keep things running and be able to pay what we need to pay personally, and on the business end of things. Plus, we just had an employee Facebook message his ONE WEEK NOTICE, when he told my husband he would not leave us high and dry and would give us a two week notice.  We had a feeling it was coming, but we weren’t really sure when, but his wife graduated a few months ago and got a good paying job, and we knew he would be gone once she started working.  We just didn’t think number 1 it would be through social media, and two it would only be a week notice, right before our BIG job is set to start, so we will be down to my husband and two other guys.  One of the other guys is in his late 70s and has told us He may finally retire at the end of the year, because his health his slowly failing. He already has to go to chemo once a week and doctors appointments typically take up at least another 1/2 day during the week.  Our other employee has been there for a very long time, but he’s getting up there in age as well, and then you have my husband.  He already busts his ass, so I can’t imagine the stress he is feeling finding out this news this morning. I am so worried about him and I don’t know what to do or say, because he seems to handle it with such poise, when I know he is about to freak out on the inside, because he can’t physically do everything that needs to be done.  There aren’t enough hours in the day to get it all done, and he doesn’t need that additional stress.

We could hire someone else if the money would come in like it’s supposed to, but trying to hire someone else right now when the business is in the shape that it’s in, financially, it is really almost out of the questions.

Stress, anxiety, worry, depression, fear….it’s good to list it out and feel like it’s “getting out” I guess.  While it doesn’t really make things better, it is nice to be able to verbalized everything going on.

We will just pray about it.  God has a plan, right? We think so, and nobody said it would ever be easy, but the anxiety is REAL.

Pray for Me.